Loving and Waiting

I have not been posting much – but I have been trying to keep up with commenting…So far, this is definitely the best part of pregnancy for me.  I am feeling them move (amazing) and I have my doppler to keep me sane, knowing that they are alive.  I am still feeling mildly to moderately icky most of the time but NOTHING like I felt the first trimester, which, had I known I would feel so badly, I would have asked my doctor to write me a slip for short term disability and taken some time off of work.  I am still on 16 mg of zofran per day – I would love to be off of it – and I tried to wean at 17 and then at 20 weeks but the serious puking started again.  My docs at this point think I need to be on it for the entire pregnancy.  Scares me.  Between the flu vaccine and the H1N1 vaccine (I got both) I am scared of so many things…on top of the still nervous/anxiety feeling I have about my little girl’s choroid plexus cysts.  Gah – I have to just learn to accept what I can and cannot change.  But seriously – I feel pretty good, I am exquisitely happy and really, really looking forward to having them here.  

I did have a semi-scary episode last week.  My stomach (now really my uterus has taken over my entire stomach) would tighten for like 10-15 minutes at a time – get super rock hard.  I went into my doctor’s office – they did a cervical measurement – my cervix was nice and long and closed – about 4cm I think, which I was told was longer than average for this point in time – so woo hoo!!!  They were not entirely sure what was causing the tightenings – just one of those pregnancy flukes I guess.

There have been a ton of bfps lately and I am so happy for these women and DAMN – I really want the rest of you to be there too.

20 Weeks and Baby Stuff! Thanks Niki!!

Wow.  It is unreal – I am 20 weeks today.  Me.  20 weeks pregnant.  With boy/girl twins.  I feel so lucky and so happy and just in awe.  The babies have really started kicking and I can actually see my stomach moving at times when they do – it is unlike anything I have ever experienced.  So beautiful. And intimate – it is just me and them.  I love that.  

A friend of mine from work gave me two identical cribs – they had two kids really close in age so they bought identical cribs.  I really wanted dark wood but they are really cute and I really like them (AND THEY WERE FREE!).  My husband put one together – a picture of it is below.

Inside the crib are clothes that Niki sent to me – thank you so much Niki – that she received when they thought Myles may be a girl.  I am so touched and honored to have one of my babies wear these clothes.  I hope that the next 17ish weeks keep going well and my little girl will be able to wear them!!!  Close ups are below.

 I went out to BRU about two weeks ago and bought the babies the first baby clothes I have ever bought.  I went into BRU swearing that I was not going to get pink and blue, that I would find a nice green, yellow or orange outfit.  But, I saw these and I HAD TO HAVE THEM!  Pictures below.

Choroid Plexus Cysts

I had my anatomy scan today and the bottom line is that the babies looked really good – baby boy is measuring 20 weeks and baby girl measures 19 weeks 5 days – their pictures are below!

However, they found two choroid plexus cysts (good article here) in choroid plexus area of baby girl’s brain.  After my u/s tech was done, she went to talk to the doctors and was gone for about 15-20 minutes I got a sinking feeling that something was wrong, that she found something.  She was pretty young (mid-twenties) and VERY chipper and VERY happy – and her opening line when she came back in the room was, “I am going to share some information with you but you cannot freak out…”  Yeah, ummm, mental freak-out ensued, my face dropped and my heart stopped.  She said they found these cysts and the doctors went over all of the rest of the findings of the ultrasound and the results of my first trimester screening and felt that there was not an issue and felt that no further investigation was necessary…Yeah, well, um, okay – she gave me the print out of the u/s and at the bottom, it talked about these cysts and the correlation between them and Trisomy 18 (I googled later and 50% of Trisomy 18 babies have these cysts).  Major mental freakout began…I had told Mr. M to leave since I had a doctor’s appointment right after (thank god) so I was alone and starting to panic a bit.

So, I get to my doctor’s office (same hospital) and wait to see the doctor.  As soon as I saw her, I started to cry a bit.  She was amazing.  She basically said that she loves and hates ultrasounds – loves them for what they can diagnose and hates them because sometimes they show things that scare us for no reason.  She stated that the cysts, while not common (found in 1% of 2nd and 3rd trimester ultrasounds), should not worry me because:  1) I have no other markers for a trisomy; 2) baby girl looks perfectly fine and normal – the doctor said that we would be able to see other malformations – hands, heart defect, etc. and that there were none of these markers present; and 3) these cysts have no neurological effects, will not affect her brain development, intelligence, etc. – they may go away or they may remain, there will be no adverse effects to her either way.  Of course the doctor said there is no way she can say any of this with 100% certainty but they cannot say most things with 100% certainty.  The doctor went on to say that if I were carrying one baby, they would not even do another ultrasound to check on them – and the only reason they will look at them later is because I will be coming in for growth scans about every 4 weeks.  

Now for the craziest part – I called my little sister to talk to her about this and she was like – I know I am going to make you feel better – and I was like – how – she told me that my niece (who is ahead developmentally in every way) had these cysts at her anatomy scan.  Now, I have no idea about the genetics of this but that blew my mind and, together with what the doctor said, made me feel a million times better.  

I was so scared for my little girl and a million different thoughts went through my mind – mostly that I love her no matter what and I would do anything to help her, to nurture her – no matter what.  But – it appears as though everything is okay and my biggest fears will be when she starts dating!

I have had a HORRIBLE taste in my mouth for weeks – it tastes like I drank a gallon of hydrogen peroxide…my doctor thinks it may be anemia and tested me for it – I should get the results next week.  Also, they told me about a H1N1 vaccine clinic they are having on Sunday and told me to go get the vaccine…

I have not done a survey yet – I am going to have some fun and do one now:

Total Weight Gain? 21 pounds (holy shit – I gained six in the last three weeks – grow babies grow!)

Maternity Clothes?  Pants all of the time – I try to wear regular shirts since I am not a fan of maternity shirts.

Stretch Marks? Not yet!

Sleep? I wake up at least 2 times per night to pee but many, many other times to change positions – I have to start sitting up because the acid reflux/heartburn is really bad – and then I have to change positions multiple times and it is not easy since I have a pillow between my knees and some on the side.  Definitely getting ready for when they get here!

Best Moment this week?  Knowing that my babies are healthy and are growing well.

Food Cravings?  Grilled cheese sandwiches, bagels with cream cheese, pickles (it was Ramen noodles – I ate them every night for like six weeks)

Sex?  Yes please – my libido is crazy???!!!!  But if you are asking about my little ones – it is a boy and a girl!

Labor Signs?  Some tightenings every now and again – nothing crazy – but my doctor did tell me to pay special attention to all of the possible warning signs.

Belly Button?  Starting to look weird and change shapes.  

What I miss the most?  Nothing – I would not trade anything for this – I am happier in my heart (aside from the fear, which still comes and goes and new fears about being a good mom) than I ever have been

What I am looking forward to the most?  Meeting our son and our daughter, holding them, kissing them.

Milestones?  I am over halfway there for twins!!!!  I love being on the other side of the timetable!!!

And here are my babies sweet forms:

Our little boy:

Our little girl – she had her hand up to her face quite a bit – and we got to see her sucking her thumb – it was awesome and the tech tried to capture that – hence some of the blurriness:

Ultrasound at 17 Weeks 1 day

I had an ultrasound today – it is definitely one boy and one girl!   I went to one of those elective u/s places and took my MIL and my two SIL.  It was amazing.  They are side by side, our little boy is on my right side with his head down and our little girl is on my left side with her head up, so when they kick, they were kicking each other in the face/head area and just really interacting with the movement of each other.   I am overjoyed and just so happy to see them, to know that they are growing and that so far, everything looks fantastic.

Our little girl:

 

 

Baby boy’s foot in her face:

Our little boy:

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

 

I am going to light a candle tonight to remember the loss of our three pregnancies, to remember all of yours, to remember Myles, Gabriel, Karis, Addison – and all of the unnamed babies, I will remember.

 

http://www.october15th.com/

 

 

M/S Relapse and Baby Registry (Puking, Pregnancy and the Dreaded BRU Mentioned)

So, I started to wean myself off of the zofran about two weeks ago.  I was taking 4 4mg tablets per day.  I then went to 3 for a week, then two and then 1 on about Wednesday of last week.  I started to feel like total shit.  (warning – lots of puking mentioned) Friday I threw up everything I ate and drank.  Saturday I kept most of my food during the day down but we went to a charity event that night (at which, one of my co-worker’s husbands tried to sell us life insurance for our not-yet-born-babies – yep) and I ate a variety of foods.

On the way home, I pulled over at a gas station and asked Mr. M to run in and get two plastic bags.  I switched to the passenger side.  He handed me the bags and I proceeded to vomit like crazy.  The bags were great but I missed them the first couple of times and puked all over myself – the seatbealt, my pashmina, my dress, my new blac.kberry tour that work just gave me.  The best part is that my bladder was sort of full so every time I puked, I peed a little.  It was disgusting.  I also weighed myself and I was down about 1.5 pounds.  Needless to say, on Friday I took 3 zofran and have been on 3 since then.  I called my doctor’s today after I woke up feeling like total and utter shit just to fill them in and they sort of read me the riot act.  I am to go back up to 4 4mg per day and up to 6 4mg per day if I need to.  They said it will take a few days for me to feel better again.  Sigh.  I feel like I was trying to do the right thing but it seems as though the hyperemesis is here to stay.  FYI – total weight gain at almost 17 weeks is 10.5 pounds which is not too shabby but I really, really wanted to be doing the 1 pound per week thing and gain at least 24 by 24 weeks.

As I mentioned before, my sisters are awesome and are dying to throw me a baby shower where we grew up – we compromised for November 29, (still too early in my paranoid book) which also happens to be near my 35th birthday (they wanted to do this month, I don’t even look pregnant for f’s sake).  They are sending out the invitations.  Soon.  Full blown panic set in.  I threw caution, suspicion and terror out the window and registered at BRU.  I also started an online one at Tar.get.  Yeah, it is freaking me out.  It is sort of fun but mostly like trying to learn a new language.  I have no idea what I need – no, let me rephrase that – what two newborns are going to need.  My sisters have been awesome and are helping me navigate this foreign territory.  Of course, in the car on the way to register, I was like, this is going to jinx this pregnancy faster than you can say lap pad, but it has been a day and my doppler this morning let me know that all is well.  I still feel in shock most of the time – is this really happening?  To me?  Did I really get this lucky?  Holy shit.  It is amazing.  Then I read stories like the ones that were recently featured in the New York.Times about how dangerous twin pregnancies can be and terror comes knocking.

Okay, the best part of the last week or so – I can feel them moving.  It is like little flutters, the most amazing, purest, holiest thing I have ever felt.  They are amazing.

Preliminary Gender Results!!

I had my OB/MFM appointment today – it went really well.  I had my favorite doctor – she is due in 10 days.  We went through all of the issues I have been having:

1) I had a TINY spot of red blood on Friday, followed by a little pink but only after I peed.  I cannot believe it but I did not totally freak out – I called them that day and they told me to keep an eye on it, and I have had no other issues since then (U/S looked great today, internal exam revealed a long, hard and closed cervix – the main suspect is a UTI and they are running a test for that);

2) I have had some serious round ligament pain on and off – sharp, shooting pains low on either side;

3) Whether to get the flu and swine flu vaccines – I have decided to after much deliberation and fear;

4) My upper abdomen is very swollen and hard most of the time – especially at the end of the day – she said it was all the abdominal stuff getting pushed up.

We then got to the good part – the ultrasound.  My practice does not doppler, they do in-office scans (is that awesome or what) and the babies both look fabulous – great heartbeats, great movement.  I asked her that, even though it was early, if she would mind looking for girl and boy bits…she did not mind at all but said that she could always be wrong and I am only 15w5d.

The first shot showed a baby’s bum with his (yes, his) legs spread and she pointed out the tiny spot between his legs that looked like a little boy part – as she continued to scan him, she said, “yes, that is definitely a boy”.

The next baby was being a bit more difficult but we got a nice shot between her (yes, her) legs and there were three bright lines, which is pretty much a solid indicator for a girl.   I feel so protective of them – so vulnerable, little people and they are going to have thoughts and feelings and dreams and I am so excited to be their mom.

We honestly did not have a preference – we had no secret desires – and would be happy with live, healthy babies, regardless of the gender.  That being said, it is an entirely different world knowing what they probably are – it is breathtaking – and I was filled for most of the day with hopes, fears, daydreams, fantasies, shock and amazement.  I think I am going to have a son and a daughter.  I have to say I am crying thinking of that actually happening – it is amazing and I feel like the luckiest woman alive right now.  

So, I am going to buy them something this weekend – my first baby purchase.  Ever.  I am really, really excited about that.  We are also going to start planning the nursery.  And thinking of names.  Holy shit.

This is Harder Than I Thought

I have not been able to post about what is going on with me for a while.  Mostly I have just been scared.  Of so many things.  We worked really, really hard to get pregnant.  I am still sad and lost when I think about what the struggle has been like.  The miscarriages.  Loss of friends.  Loss of true intimacy with my husband.  Depression.  Inability to do what I normally love to do.  Weight gain.  Hair loss.  Terror.  Anxiety.  

And I am angry that I am letting all of that interfere with the beauty and amazement of being pregnant.  Of holy shit I am in my second trimester pregnant.  Of I should be swirling around, throwing glitter and singing I am pregnant.   Part of releasing myself from that cycle is acknowledging that I AM LETTING THAT HAPPEN.   IF and recurrent pregnancy loss feels like a separate being most of the time.  Like it has a mind of its own and can bend and shape how I feel.  That is just not true – I have to try and let go of these fears, these horrible, gut-wrenching fears that are keeping me from writing a journal to these babies.  Keeping me from being joyful when I talk to my sisters about their shower planning.  Keeping me from the awe and joy.  I am feeling pretty angry – some at myself, some at the universe and some at what I perceive to be the separate, living, terrifying RPL.  

And I feel even worse, thinking of my IF and RPL sisters out there reading this – if you are thinking get over it, you are pregnant with seemingly healthy, viable twins – I am with you.  I want to get over it.

My original reason for starting this blog was to help other women in similar situations – although I have received so much more – and this post is part of that.  I hope that anyone else that feels this way feels better knowing that they are not alone.

Regular Post

I never do “regular posts” but I read one on someone else’s and it was great to see another side of that person – so, for all of you – please feel free to do the same – I would love to know more about you!

1. What was your first alcoholic drink? 

Some cheap, crappy beer – I do not remember.

2. What was your first job?
Um, babysitter at a young age.  My first real job was as a cashier at a supermarket named Mart.y’s Market.  Yep.

3. What was your first car?
1977 Chrysler LeBaron – the firewall was shot and it was like 10000000 degrees inside of it.

4. Who was the first person to text you today?
My IRL friend K.  

5. Who was the first person you thought of this morning?
My husband.

6. Who was your first grade teacher? 
Mrs. Tra.ver.

7. Where did you go on your first flight in a plane? 
San Francisco.

8. Who was your first best friend and do you still talk? 
Miche.lle.  She was killed in a car accident when we were 19.  I think about her frequently

9. Where was your first sleepover? 
At a girl name Maggie’s – I got homesick and made my dad pick me up at like 9:00.

10. Who was the first person you talked to today? 
My husband.

11. Whose wedding were you in for the first time?
My cousin’s – we wore horrible banana yellow dresses.

12. What was the first thing you did this morning? 
Gave my dog Shelly her aspirin and taga.met with cheese – my little man Rico gets cheese too.

13. What was the first concert you went to? 
Lollapalooza ‘93 with Michelle.

14. First tattoo?
Too embarrassing.

15. First piercing?
My ears.

16. First foreign country you went to? 
Canada.  (Mrs. Spit – if you are reading – I heart Canada!)

17. First movie you remember seeing? 
Children of the Corn – I was traumatized.  

18. What is one thing you would learn, given the chance? 
Math.

Please Support Breakatthebend

Please go give http://breakatthebend.blogspot.com/ some love and support.  She went in for an ultrasound today – she was a little over 8 weeks pregnant and there was no heartbeat.  As if this was not horrible enough, they had decided to put her beloved dog, B-dog, to sleep soon.  

I hate this.