Birthday Babies!

11 03 2011

I know I have not posted in ages…lots going on, but here are my sweeties, one year ago and today.  I love them more every day.

Thank You 2010

2 01 2011

Thank you 2010, for giving me the two most amazing people to ever exist.  And thank you – my blogging friends – for seeing me, for helping me, for loving me through the best of times and the worst of times.

Everyday is like Xmas

17 12 2010

I try to get home every night to see the babies for a bit and help put them to bed (I am successful 99% of the time).  I am so lucky to have my DH who picks them up from daycare everyday, plays with them, makes and cleans bottles and gets them in their pjs…yes, I know, incredible, and he loves every minute of it.  Once the babies go down, I cannot wait for morning so that I can see them again, I got the feeling last night that every morning is like xmas, I have the most amazing people in my life.

Both of the babies are crawling like maniacs.  Sugar started about 5 weeks ago but it was a dragging herself around the floor kind of thing, now she is up on her hands and knees.  Spice started a bit before their 9 month b-day, prior to that he was rocking and scooting backwards, so cute.  They are both babbling like crazy but Spice is also trying to say “cat” – so cute – it comes out like a hard g or c sound.  I showed him my breakfast today – cookie and coffee – and he loved it.

They have both been sick – with a virus that inevitably turned into ear infections but also gave them a terrible rash all over their face and bodies.  Sugar’s is gone but I call Spice my speckled xmas elf.

I am trying very hard to focus on the positives in my life – there are so many – and it makes for much better living.  One of my favorite bloggers Kate was talking about non-stop fear in one of her posts and I can relate to that.  When I feel like that, I make decisions based on those feelings.  It is like a pebble in a windshield, the cracks spreading and spreading and spreading.

Also – would like to say to lastchanceivf – I read all of your posts, hugs to you, keep your head up, you are amazing.


29 11 2010

I turned 36 today.  My DH met me for lunch, my dad sent me flowers, which was sweet, but it was also depressing – they had the kind of lilies that are present at every single funeral and the smell permeated my office.

We traveled to my hometown for Thanksgiving – Sugar and Spice loved, loved, loved it but the poor things were so out of their routine, it was rough for them sleep and crankiness-wise.  Sugar would not sleep the first night at my sister’s unless she was physically touching me – I felt bad for her but it made me feel warm and fuzzy too.  I broke my sister’s washing machine while we were there and just forked out $500 to replace it.  DH told me not to fill it so full but I ignored him – and he claims that is a classic example how I never listen to him and that he does not feel like a partner a lot of times.  Sigh.  Crushed my heart.  He is right.  Have work to do.

I got the results of my colposcopy back.  Abnormalities on the outside and inside the canal of my cervix.  Have to have surgery in an OR to remove it.  Sometime in January.  Not looking forward to that but so glad it is not cancer, I can deal with pre-cancerous growths.

I cannot keep up with regular life.  Mail, bills, cleaning, organizing, showering, cooking, working, pictures, baby books, you name it, I am COMPLETELY overwhelmed.  I have always been ahead of the curve as far as getting shit done.  I cannot seem to get anything done.  My plan is to start making a pot of coffee when I get home and try to crank away.  That is what I am doing now – I came home to see my sweeties, now I am going to log on and work and try to jam some stuff out.


19 11 2010

Atypical Gland.ular *updated

12 11 2010

I had my routine pap done on 10/20 and never thought about it again – 20 years of normal paps behind me, I thought nothing of it.  I was at work and my gyn called me – they found a.typical glandula.r cell.s – precancerous cells.  My limited knowledge and consultation with Dr. Google reveals that this is not a typical finding, however, only in about 20% of cases does this result in a potentially Very Bad Thing.  My last pap was about two months before I got pregnant with sugar and spice so I am hopeful that any bad mojo is only recent…

So the plan is to get a colpos.copy and some biopsies of my cervi.x and endometriu.m on the 22nd.

I had a thought that the universe could not be this cruel – to give me my children and then give me cancer – but it is that cruel and terrible.  So many of you are proof of that – and unfortunately, Mo is proof of that – Mo – I thought about you quite a bit today – and my heart goes out to you – I am so pissed off for you.

*updated – I also have aty.pical squam.ous cannot rule out a high grade lesion but am HP.V negative


9 11 2010

Mekate has some wonderful news, please go congratulate her!   Mekate has been through hell and yet is always there with an uplifting word and, although we have never met, seems to have the kindest spirit.  Thanks mekate and I am so overjoyed for you!

Sleep Deprivation and Public Shaming

6 11 2010

I have noticed some serious changes in my personality since Sugar and Spice were born.  They are the true joys of my life and they make me so happy, I live to be with them.  All of the other parts of my life have been a roller coaster and I really think it is from sleep deprivation.  I am an 8 hour minimum girl – if I do not get 8 solid hours, I am a beast.  Yes – the babies are sleeping well – from about 7:30 pm to 5ish am – so no complaints there. However, I wake up when I hear them and I do not and have not slept straight through the night in so, so long – the end of my pregnancy involved some sleep deprivation too – but not like this.

The bottom line is that I am bitchy much of the time – I do not have the energy I used to have and I feel like I am in survival mode.  Compound that with excessive caffeine use and there are times when I am downright surly.  So.  I am going to try and start taking naps – especially on the weekends – and try to get to bed earlier during the week.  I push myself to the point of perfection and I do not want to miss one second of Sugar and Spice’s life – the life that I have with them before and after work and on the weekends that is.  But at this point, I need quality over quantity – I feel like I would do more reading and more activities with them if I was more rested.

Onto my public shaming.  I really, really need to lose the rest of this weight.  I gained 65 pounds during my pregnancy – and to date, I have lost 55 of those pounds.  The problem is, I was about 20-25 pounds heavier than I like to be when I got pregnant (thanks to 3 IVFs, clomid, IUIs and depression).  So, I really have about 20 to lose before I am in the “healthy BMI” range and another 15 to lose after that to be happy – and 10 after that to be ecstatic.  Sigh.  So we are talking about a minimum of 35 pounds and up to 45.  I have been yo-yo-ing and emotionally eating (stress at work, stress with DH at times) and it has not been pretty.

I started Sout.h Be.ach on Thursday – and this morning I was down 2.5 pounds…so, it is a start.  Wish me luck.

The things we do to our kids…

31 10 2010

Teething? Feeding Strike?

19 10 2010

Spice has been acting hinky at his night feedings…it started about two weeks ago – he stopped drinking all of his night bottle on and off – we tried not feeding him solids in between, worked once, now nothing works – he is only drinking like 3 oz.

I gave him the 3 oz he would drink plus some solids.  Now he will not sleep.

Any words of wisdom?