Obsessive Pee Stick Update

4 10 2008

I peed on an Ans.wer stick at 2:15 pm. A faint line showed up fairly quickly – I only say faint because I do not need to squint to see it, nor do I need to hold the stick at a 45 degree angle to see it – I just see it. That made me pretty happy since I have had a bunch of water, a huge cup of really weak tea, 16 ounces of water and milk with my cereal so far today.

So I am trying to hang out in bed but I had to get out, get away from Dr. Google – so I went to get a manicure and a polish change on my toes. I do not drink or smoke – but I love to get my nails done. I was looking forward to the peace and quit – my nail tech Jackie does not bother me with chit chat. There was a woman in one of the pedicure chairs and just as I settle in, she tells another woman that she is expecting and how surprised she was when she got pregnant since she and her husband were both doing really stressful residencies and how she is due in March. At first I was like, “oh crap, so much for zoning out on this pregnancy stuff” and then I was like, Lisa, you selfish cow. So, from that moment on I did not begrudge her and I sent her warm and positive mental vibes. I really hope that Mother Nature is nicer to her than she has been to me in the past. I mentally wished her a safe and healthy pregnancy and then I focused on which color to choose for my toes…haha, not really.

I then just sat back and thought about my experiences. During my oh-so-short first pregnancy I was blissfully happy and blissfully ignorant. It was my first IVF and we were only doing IVF because of DH, right? So it was so easy for me to get pregnant and I was NEVER so happy in my life as I was when I had my little Baby P, the poppy seed inside (that is how we referred to our little bean) of me. Miscarriage DID NOT EVEN CROSS MY MIND. I had no idea what a miscarriage was, I had no clue and I certainly did not think it would happen to me.

So hear I am in round 2 and I feel like I am bordering on another loss. I have not given this new life inside of me a name yet – I feel like a horrible mother already. It is just so painful – and then I wonder if all this mental angst is damaging my baby further and I feel even more like a total shit. I feel a bit weary and I guess I am trying to protect my heart and my psyche if my little bean does not make it.

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