Waiting

9 10 2008

I had a pretty good day at work today. I met with the director of the leadership program I am in to catch up on all of the things I missed at the retreat. It is an awesome program and our goal is to implement a one day event in a really run-down part of my city that will excite people about the potential use of vacant space. It will be a nice distraction. I also worked on a bunch of loan documents – boring but distracting.

So I really, really, really hate this part of chemical pregnancies/early miscarriages. I stopped my progesterone yesterday and now I just wait to bleed. Last time I started bleeding a few days after I quit taking the progesterone but it could take longer. I think it will be quick since my hcg number is so low. I hate the physical closure takes so long – it postpones the emotional closure – not that such closure is ever complete.

So I was on The Nest boards and this poor girl miscarried last night – she was really early too and said she felt silly for feeling so horrid because she was only pregnant for a few days. I felt the same way after my first loss – I was so devastated, I could not stop shaking, crying, throwing up at times and felt the most complete sadness and devastation I have ever felt in my life. So I did some research and the research shows that when we lose pregnancies – no matter at what stage – we just do not lose the embryo or a potential child – it feels like we lost a baby, a toddler, a pre-teen, a teenager, birthdays, Christmases, etc., etc. That made me feel better when I thought I was not ever going to make it back from that hurt and pain.

I hate to say this but this time around is much easier – last time I could not stop crying – even at inappropriate times – for days and days. I cried a bit this time but I mostly feel numb – so maybe it is not easier, I am just not feeling it. I get scared that I will bottle all of this up and have a complete nervous breakdown.

Even though I am not making a decision about which path I want to take, I told my DH that we could afford another cycle (our insurance coverage has just about run out) and even adoption if I (1) put my student loans in to deferment and/or forbearance and (2) I quit making contributions to my 401(k) for a little while. The first option is okay and I know the second option may be stupid financially but I do not want to go into any more debt. My student loans are in the SIX FIGURES and we have two mortgages, my stepson lives with us, etc. etc. so even though I have a great job times get tight. But it made me feel better to have a plan.

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4 responses

10 10 2008
Fabulous-At-40!

Lisa..I know the powerlessness felt when trying to conceive…I have experienced many losses but we also have two lovely girls (8 and 3). We had been trying for our third for about 10 months and I have had a few early miscarriages. I am typically very intuitive but conception was eluding me…then I came across a book called ‘Spirit Babies’ by Walter Makichen he also has a website you can access from my Soparia blog.

Conception is a physical journey, which you are doing everything right but it is also a spiritual journey. When we remember how to connect to this realm and communicate with our future children we regain our power.

I hope this book gives you as much peace as it has given hundreds if not thousands of mothers and fathers!

Wishing you ease…Susette

10 10 2008
Mtnhighmama

Hi Lisa,
I’m doing really well. Thank you for asking.

I’m glad to hear you have a plan. It’s so hard to just be in that weird nebulous place of not knowing. Having a plan makes if feel doable again, doesn’t it?

I have been through 6 chemicals, 1 negative, and this one makes the 2nd successful cycle. It’s exhausting and wearying and frustrating. Even without it being my own, I relate to where you are at.

As for finances, my Intended Mother and I were talking about this the other day, and the ridiculousness of the costs involved and she said, ‘but really, there’s nothing I’d rather spend my money on’ and I guess in that perspective it soothes a little.

Not to second guess, but have you considered donor? before moving to adoption?

It’s totally normal to not be so invested each time. I have become so ambivalent during cycling that I’ve come to the point that during it I don’t feel anything. total ambivalence.

I always plan to have projects during the 2ww, and right after cycling.

10 10 2008
agplatters

Hey Lisa, I hope your physical closure comes quickly and easily. My heart goes out to you after all you’ve been through to get to this point.

Your comment about all the things you’ll miss that could have been with your babies is so true. Last weekend I was shopping for bridesmaids dresses and saw all these moms with their daughters, sharing the moment when she walks out with the dress on. And I thought of how I’ll not have that moment with my daughter, maybe a different daughter, but not the one I just lost.

Just wanted to mention. None of us are alone in those feelings.
–Nancy

11 10 2008
mylifechronicles

I am sorry to hear about this. My heartfelt condolences. I have had 25+ BFNs before but never a chemical. I can not even imagine the pain that comes from realizing that the two lines on a stick did not actually stick. My heart goes out to you.

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