Scrambled Emotions

14 10 2008

Crap – I just wrote my post for today and my wireless went down and lost it – so here I go again.

I have been having some really, really mixed emotions. I alternate between debilitating sadness, anger, jealousy, fear, hope, despair. I have been pretty worthless at work but I am showing up and most days, I show up showered….

I had some cramping and clotting today, I hope it is almost over.

Our firm had a reception for new assoc.iates and one woman that I really like had a baby during her last year of la.w school – he is nine months old now. She told me that she was so scared during her pregnancy because her mother had two miscarriages in a row before she had her and she experienced bleeding during the beginning of the pregnancy. She did not know anything about me or my experiences and I almost bawled my eyes out right then and there. I try not to look for “signs” but I thought that maybe she was there to tell me that and maybe I need to try one more time. My hubby wants to try one more time – I will be willing if our RE thinks it is feasible and they do some tests to rule out major problems with us.

I am also so open to adoption – I would love an adopted child just as much as a biological child – there is more to family than blood. I spoke to another attor.ney from our firm – she has done some adoptions in the past and said she would help me in any way she could. We live in PA and she said it is harder to adopt in PA because of the restrictions – I do not want to use an agency if we go down this path. She had a good idea to contact other attor.neys in our out-of-state offices to see what the requirements in those states are.

Our appointment is on the 27th with my RE – I am glad that there is some time between now and then.




3 responses

15 10 2008

I can’t help but look for “signs” either. Its just soo hard not to. Especially when you are desperately looking for answers! I hope your RE has some clear answers/next steps for you.

15 10 2008

This is why I hate IF. It is so much easier to cope and deal with knowing “why” something happens. It is hard to mentally get around the fact that in IVF they put an embryo into your body…why don’t we end up pregnant??? Arg! I also spend my life looking for the signs. I am waiting on my next IVF now and still “trying” for the next two cycles, and I find myself thinking, “is that a cramp?” “maybe that pain is a follicle growing” etc.

thinking about you.
*hugs* april

18 10 2008

Hi Lisa,
Sounds like we are at the same point. I’m also feeling like one more shot is our limit and adoption would be a great alternative. It is just hard to go from one roller coaster to another, huh? I hope you get some answers on the 27th that help you decide the next steps. And it’s ok to feel all of those things…you have every right.

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