Coming Out of My Self Centered, Self Pitying Fog

3 01 2009


Okay, I am finally coming to my senses.  I worked so much in December that I was completely out of sorts.  As I noted before, I did have a few crying spells that came completely out of nowhere and I was lost in self pity and isolation for a while – I was completely ungrateful and did not think that 2008 spit out anything positive.  Well there were a number of wonderful things that happened and I feel compelled to list them here. 


1. I started this blog.  This has been far better than any therapy I could pay for.  I met a local woman for coffee yesterday – she is a friend of a friend – and she is about to embark on IVF#2 after her first one failed.  It was so nice to meet another woman and talk face to face about this journey.  Although I have not met all of you wonderful, amazing, inspiring women – you have become part of my journey and I think of you often throughout my own self-centered fog and I wonder how you are doing.  There is also safety in anonymity – I can make up silly xmas songs without fear of judgment…well, not too much judgment!

2.  I got pregnant twice.  Yes, I lost both of them, but being pregnant – especially the first time when I was innocent and naive and thought it was going to result in a live baby on or before Jan. 30 – was the best feeling I have ever had in my life.  Unfortunately, I have a horrible fear that I am going to be chasing that feeling into countless cycles and countless heartbreaks.  Whoa, wait a minute, I am listing what I am supposed to be grateful for. 

3.  I have become more educated about my body and IVF.  How fucking lame, am I really listing this?

4.  My niece was born – this is fabulous – she is a beautiful, amazing baby.

That is about it – please do not let me know if I am forgetting anything – I hate being reminded of what I should be grateful for!!!

The bad moments of 2008 are a bit longer than the list above but I refuse to list them – I am hoping to leave them behind and return to some semblance of my pre IVF self – I really want that optimism, that joy and that innocence back.  I do not think that is possible but I am really going to try.  I am going to try not to tie my happiness in with cycles, with weight loss, with 35 fast approaching, with money, I just want to be happy inside and lose the turmoil that has been created.

I have wished for the desire to have a baby be removed – how much easier would that be – I hate being so melodramatic and I just want to be even-keeled and take this all in and still have a life – still have a happy life.  I have to say – I am pretty sick of myself and hearing these same things over and over.  I am so glad that I have this outlet because I do not want to bore Mr. M, my family and friends with this.

When I met that woman yesterday, I said one of the best things about blogging is being able to vomit out all the shit here and then go back into my life as a semi-full participant in that life – being able to laugh with Mr. M, go to the movies, meet girlfriends for coffee, etc. etc.  For sure, blogging is the best gift of 2008.  Thank you all for your support – even during boring times, i.e. no cycle news, no beta news, etc.






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13 responses

3 01 2009
sprogblogger

Hey Lisa,

I think we’re all totally allowed to indulge in some self-pitying wallowing. And anyone who claims they never indulge is lying, they just might not be so aware of it.

I have to say that blogging about all this is the best thing to happen to my relationship with my husband in a long time. I don’t necessarily want him to know when my ovaries hurt, just as I don’t necessarily want to know what he’s doing in the bathroom. But on days when ovaries are all that’s on my mind, it’s nice to put it out there and have a few people offer support and commiseration. And then it’s nice to be able to get on with real life and have some coffee (COFFEE!), watch a movie (or a Star Trek!) and not have to put it all on friends who knew me pre-IF, who love me, but really don’t understand what I’m going through.

Hang in there. I think 2009 is going to be a better year for both of us, and much less turmoil-filled. At least, that’s my New Year’s wish.

3 01 2009
Nikki

Lisa – it’s so normal to indulge in self pitying once in a while. IF is a real life crisis situation, and it would be impossible to skip and giggle through it!

I love blogging too! It’s free therapy, it’s a great research place, it’s a great support system, and it’s a great way to journal everything.

Now I mostly don’t talk to real life friends about my IF. If and when someone asks me, I tell them to read it on my blog. If they really care and are interested, they will read it.

Good luck with everything this year – and I mean it! I hope this is your year of miracles!

3 01 2009
kirke

As geeky as it is, I like that I’m learning more about my lining as well. I know other people in my life probably wish I didn’t know quite as much as I’m constantly telling them about my lining and the size of my follicles.

I like your positive, upbeat attitude. I’m trying to find myself again too.

3 01 2009
'Murgdan'

Blogging was one of the best things about 2008 for me too…and you are entitled to enter that fog from time to time–but don’t things just look so much clearer when you come out of it?

3 01 2009
'Murgdan'

Blogging was one of the best things about 2008 for me too…and you are entitled to enter that fog from time to time–but don’t things just look so much clearer when you come out of it?

3 01 2009
Emily

blogging is a wonderful by-product of my IF too. i wouldn’t trade it for the world, ok, maybe for a baby 😉

i like your list. hoping for a better new year.

3 01 2009
Caroline

Hi Lisa,

As one year ends and another begins I think that it is perfectly normal to reflect on what that year has brought you. 2008 sounds like it was a very difficult year, and it is normal to feel self indulgent at times.
Just hang in there, and make sure you keep blogging. I’d like to hear how you are.
I hope that 2009 brings you good things.
infertilecaroline.blogspot.com

3 01 2009
dreamyouremine

Hi Lisa,
Well said! But it isn’t self-pity…you gotta focus on yourself in hard times to heal and get through them so that you can give an abundance of your wonderful self to everyone around you!

Let’s try to work on getting back to our old selves in the upcoming months. Let’s reclaim all the hope and happiness that has kinda disappeared. Deal?
Nancy

3 01 2009
Mo and Will

Lisa

We’re glad you started blogging too! Use this space for whatever you need it for!

I hear ya on the loss of innocence after pregnancy loss and the possibility of chasing that pregnancy feeling for a long time to come.

I’m impressed you were able to come up with a list of things you are grateful for.

look forward to following along with your blog through 2009. Brighter days ahead for both of us, I am truly hoping!

3 01 2009
Faith

Hey there — came in from a mutual blogger friend. Thanks for sharing that list. We all have a lot to be thankful for in 2008, and much to look forward to in 2009.

4 01 2009
April

oh lisa, isn’t this what this space is for? i appreciate having people who will read and comment on whatever is going on: my crazy MIL, my freak out over weight, my decision to put myself on metformin and keep it from my RE. somehow it makes me feel less crazy and alone. i think that the fog is unavoidable, but its great to have the support of your newtwork here…

**hugs**

4 01 2009
mylifechronicles

That is sooo true. You just made me realize it. Starting a blog WAS the best decision I made in 2008. And I am so glad I did. Meeting people like you who support me through all the ups and downs of IF was just the best gift of all. We will get through this together and I hope that 2009 opens our worlds to new and exciting journeys.

5 01 2009
Karin

Hi Lisa!

Thanks for sharing your blog… I really enjoy reading it and can’t tell you how much I relate to this last entry. I’m all about ditching my old ways and being kind to myself in every way in 2009! Glad we can be a support to each other through all of this…

Karin 🙂

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