Tidbits of Shite, Gratitude and Angst

So many mixed emotions today.  First thing – I am on my way to work and call one of my best girlfriends from work to see if she wants coffee – we stop and get each other some in the morning – and she says yes but decaf. I am like WTF she NEVER drinks decaf, so I say “WTF, are you pregnant?”   Dead silence on the other end, and then she is like, “I can’t lie to you” and I am like “Why would you” and she was like “I was going to tell you after your procedure, I am six weeks pregnant.”  (On a side note, she had really scary cramping all day – keep your fingers crossed for her)  Okay – this is after my sister – Betsy – you know I love you – tells me last week “she has something to tell me” – I am thinking cancer, my mother killed her husband and buried him in her backyard, etc. but she was like “Steve and I are going to try and get pregnant again.”  Finally – later today, a male atto.rney that I work with – his wife was pregnant and miscarried right around my first loss – I find out she is pregnant today and he was like “I felt funny telling you”.  

So I call Mr. M after I find out my first friend mentioned above is preggers – and say how happy I am for her and how sad I am for me – he was like, “just be happy, don’t let this take over your whole world, don’t wallow in it.”  I think it is from going on and off of the bcp but I wanted to freak out and be like – “you haven’t seen wallowing!! etc. etc.”

AARRGGHH – let me first say that I am truly happy for all of the above people – really, truly happy for THEM.  I am sad for myself of course but I can separate that and still be happy for them – BUT – I feel like a total bitch – these people are trying to spare my feelings and that makes me feel angry.  Is that twisted or what?

Also, my firm announced 2009 salary freezes – here comes the gratitude – I really do not care – I am grateful I have a job that I love and if it saves other people from getting laid off, I will stay at this salary for another year.

Finally, I am looking forward to my baseline appointment tomorrow!