Embryo Update; Fear

11 03 2009
First, please go give Niki your love and support.  Niki is Myles’ mom and she received very bad news today.  Niki was one of the first women to comment on my blog and support me through it all – she is one of the most amazing women, so strong and supportive to me through all of her struggles.   

Normally, my clinic does not give updates on day 2.  However, since I am a stalker and know the one of the embryologist’s on a first name basis at this point after my inquiries from my last full cycle that ended in another very early loss – I called her up and got the scoop.


My eggs were injected on Monday at 2:42 pm and the fert check was done Tuesday morning before 9:00 am.  So they checked them again today at 8:47 am (42 hours after injection).  On day 2 (at the 48 hour mark), they like to see 2-4 cells.  Of my three embryos, two were at the 2 cell mark but she said they would probably be 4 cells in the afternoon.  They were both graded A-, which is slightly less than perfect!  Now my third embryo was 6 cells already…she said it was advancing very quickly and that they look for anything from 4 to 14 cells on the transfer day.  That embryo was grade B, which is what most “good” embryos are graded.  She said that they all had very little fragmentation, which is very good.

My transfer is at 9:00 am tomorrow.  They like to see 6-8 cells by the 72 hour mark, which will be 2:42 pm tomorrow so I will be happy with 6 in the am.  Not sure what to say about the 6 cell except that it may be my rock star – has anyone else had embryos that grew quickly like that?

So, here is my fear.  I am afraid that there is something chromosomally wrong with me, my eggs, whatever and I will never be able to have a child.  I have lost both pregnancies so early that they could not test the “products of conception”.  This fear sprouted up today out of nowhere in the midst of all my positivity – I almost think it is self preservation – I had gotten myself to the point where I was really excited and hopeful – maybe my psyche is doing some self-protection.  At any rate, I am going keep my hopes up because this could work.  It really could and I want to give my little sweeties as much love as I can for as long as I can.  I cannot wait until they are inside of me tomorrow.  
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7 responses

11 03 2009
kirke

I think there is always fear…..especially as we have to work so much harder at what so many take for granted.

I am very impressed by all three embryos. You can’t ask for better than near perfect and a rock star! I will be thinking about you tomorrow!!

11 03 2009
Just me

I am the queen of “what ifs”. Not just with infertility, but with everything in general. (“What if the crockpot catches on fire and my dogs get trapped?” “What if this bruise on my finger means I have leukemia?” “What if III gets in a car accident coming home from out of state?”) I think mine is also, ironically, defensive. If I think of the worst case scenario, then it can’t be as painful than if I’m surprised.

Try to put it out of your mind. (Ha. easier said than done, right?) If your embryos were some freak fast-growing embryos that indicated some sort of underlying issue, your doctor would tell you that. It’s so hard not to try to interpret all this medical mumbo jumbo ourselves!

Try to stay positive and get some sleep! Good luck with your transfer tomorrow! I’ll be thinking of you! 🙂

11 03 2009
Darya

I just found your blog. Good luck with the transfer!!!

11 03 2009
hopefulone

Hey Lisa,

those are some great embies, wishing you all the best tomorrow…

Those fears are all normal, like as if we do not want to get our hopes up to high just in case so we are almost self defeating.

Thinking of you, and have a fabulous transfer tomorrow!

12 03 2009
Caroline

Hi Lisa,
I think we are all scared at some points when we are going through infertility treatment. There is always the concern that things might not go to plan. You are doing SO well…I think it is good to remain as positive and hopeful as you can. That way you are giving your embies the very best chance.

12 03 2009
Niki

Lisa, Those sound like 3 great little embabies! I know you are nervous and worried, so the fear comes out. That fear and I are very familiar with one another. I won’t tell you to put it out of your mind because that’s impossible. I won’t tell you to focus on only the positives and forget the fear because I know that’s impossible. However, I will focus on the positives for you and will think only good thoughts about your three beautiful embryos!

I hope the transfer goes well and look forward to hearing all about it.

((HUGS))
Niki

12 03 2009
Katie

Here from Maria’s blog. Wanted to wish you the best at your transfer.

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