2ww Officially Sucks…6dp3dt of Sweetness?

18 03 2009

I am so miserable right now.  I am tired and I am feeling some gurglings in my stomach like I do before AF arrives and that has me pissed off and convinced that this did not work.  At the same time, I am still having some “dizzy spells”, pinches and twitches and “short intermittent cramps” in my uterine area – also, since I have been psychotically documenting the veins in my breasts – its seems like I can see more and they are bright blue on the surface.  


So part of me wants to believe it worked but then I feel like the world’s largest sucker and I will feel so foolish when it ends up being a BFN.  I just really need this to work – I am so sick of my life being on hold, so tired of the hormones, so tired of the roller coaster, so tired of hoping and being crushed – f*ck, I am just tired of it all.  I went to lunch with three girls I went to la.w school with and I felt like a freak, like a total alien. I found myself talking about our attempts to get pregnant and they had no clue what I was talking about but were super supportive.  Why did I say anything?  Because it is the only thing in my life.  I have let this entire process take over everything, I am boring, bordering on agoraphobic and I have no life other than trying to get and stay pregnant.  I am so f*cking sick of it.

So here are the things that are sweet in my life today:

1) I did not chew out the nasty, backstabbing woman in my office who likes to talk about everyone and make trouble;

2) I went to a client event and did not scare any current or future clients with stories of the RE not being able to get the catheter past my cervix into my uterus or about the fact that my tits feel like anvils;

3) I showered.
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10 responses

18 03 2009
sprogblogger

I’m sorry you’re feeling so crappy. I must say, though, that if I were you I’d be trying to think positive. The cycle I had the most “premenstrual” symptoms and generally felt crappiest was the only one that worked. (well, sort of worked. you know what I mean.)

You’re officially in the worst part of the 2ww. Try to hang tough. GIve it another few days. You’ve got a lot of folks pulling for you on this one, and I’m right there up front – oh, I want this to work for you!

Fingers crossed, sweetheart. Hang in there.

18 03 2009
Just me

I’m sorry you feel crappy. There is no reason to feel like a sucker when those BFNs rear their ugly heads. It’s so hard not to be hopeful and to analyze every little twinge. The 2ww does suck. BIG TIME.

sending you hugs and and hopeful thoughts. 🙂

18 03 2009
Nikki

I so understand what you mean. I too am that boring, obsessed, INFERTILE person that feels like a complete alien when friends from the past get together. Like I have 3 eyes or something! 😦

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. Yes, this crap is f*cking unfair!

Hugs to you, and I have my fingers crossed for you!

18 03 2009
dreamyouremine

The 2ww does suck! But I like the blue veins on the boobs. That is always one of my first signs. Friday cannot get here soon enough, huh?

18 03 2009
kirke

I now what you mean….I try to keep everything buttoned up, but as our lives tend to revolve around bloodtests and ultrasounds, it’s hard not to share with people what my ovaries look like.

I’m sending lots of positive thoughts. You are getting so close!!

18 03 2009
Emily

I agree with Sprog – you are def. in the worst part of the IVF 2ww (although it all sucks, really). I can totally relate about feeling like a freak, not a good feeling. Just another little IF gift – let’s hope it is your parting gift 🙂

19 03 2009
Darya

I felt the same way for most of today. 😦 I hate this shit. I was so sure I wouldn’t be evaluating every twinge and feeling this cycle but here I am doing exactly what I do best..OBSSESSING!

You are NOT boring. You just have a lot going on and you are focused on something in your life.

19 03 2009
Caroline

I’m sorry that you had a bad day. Don’t forget that you are working really hard on a very important goal – to bring home a baby. It is an exciting thing to be focussed on, even though the daily grind can be pretty tedious. Hugs to you.

19 03 2009
strongblonde

😦 you poor thing. you know that you don’t feel good when “showering” ends up on your sweetness list.:)

hang in there….only a few more days until beta, right?

xoxo

19 03 2009
Mermaid

I’m sorry you’re stuck in this nasty 2ww.

If it helps, sometimes taking a shower is accomplishment enough for one day.

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