8dp3dt – POAS-a-thon Day 3 Goes to THE STICK

20 03 2009

I got a bfn this morning.  I am not very upset right now because I am still holding out hope – just because I tested positive two other times on 8dp3dt, does not mean this one would be exactly the same.  It is still early.  I am telling myself all of the things I would be telling all of you.  I sort of believe them. 


To tell you the truth, I thought I was going to get a bfp this morning for sure.  Last night I had what I thought was a really, really faint positive on a CV.S brand stick – I took it apart and it just looks like the indentation where the line should be but I swear there was a little bit of blue.  I tested this morning on a FRER.  I am going to be very honest here – the reason I love peeing on sticks is that when I got the bfps it was the only physical link I had to that baby.  Sometimes I think about not posting about my POAS habits because it is embarrassing to me at times.  But – this is my blog and I started it mainly to help other women going through this hell – you are not alone, I am not alone – those of you who judge others for POAS, you do not walk in anyone else’s shoes – please do not judge.  The hcg that the embryo – my baby – produced was visible on that stick and I could see it, it made me feel like I could see my baby at that moment of time.  I lost those pregnancies but I had a tangible link to them.  Shit, I am crying now and I was going to try not to cry at all today.

Yesterday was horrible physically – I had so many gurglings and sounds going on, it was crazy, I had some dizziness and a headache.  I slept from 9:30ish to about 12:30 and then I could not sleep again until about 3:45.  I had really, really bad heartburn and nausea.  So I was really getting my hopes up but at the same time my bbs feel smaller.  My lower back was hurting as well.  I thought I would wake up and it would be a bfp for sure.   

The ultimate feeling that I have is that it is too early for any of this and that it is the PIO making me crazy.  I really want to go into work – I have a ton to do – and I want to be able to not cry.  The inappropriate, uncontrollable tearing up at times is really embarrassing and I wish I had better control over that.  Peace to you all today and peace to me to get through it.  I am glad that I have the weekend – my beta is Monday and I will know for sure by then and I hope if it continues to be a bfn, I can cry it out of my system.
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9 responses

20 03 2009
dreamyouremine

Oh Lisa, I’m sorry it was a bfn this morning. You have every right to feel sad and let the tears flow. I understand about wanting to keep that to yourself though. What a rollercoaster–your signs do sound promising though! I hope today is a good day and you have some happy surprises.

20 03 2009
JJ

Big hugs. The whole thing is so scary. I’ll have to go through it in a few weeks, too. Hoping that line pops up for you. xxxxx

20 03 2009
Mtnhighmama

I don’t have much to offer but hugs and a note that I am wishing you the very most positive of things from over here on the Pacific Northwest.

(((HUGS)))

20 03 2009
mylifechronicles

Oh dear… I am holding onto hope for you too. I really hope that the second line starts showing in the next couple of days. ((HUGS))

20 03 2009
Emily

Crap! I was so hoping today would be the day. I am sorry 😦 Sending big hugs and still thinking the most POSITIVE thoughts!

20 03 2009
hopefulone

Sorry about the bfn this morning..

all your symptoms are good ones, especially lower back pain.

thinking really positive stuff for you..

when I was in the 2ww I think I was using 3 first responses a day…costly but fed my addiction

20 03 2009
Nikki

Hugs to you Lisa – my heart totally broke when I read the line about the pee sticks being our only physical connection with the babies. So true. I still have the BFP pee sticks from my last pregnancy. DH had thrown them once, but I fished them out of the trash can and saved them. I can’t bear to think of throwing them away.

I’m so sorry sweetie – I’m holding out a lot of hope for you, and I know you’re doing such a brave job of holding yourself together! HUGS!!

20 03 2009
kirke

This whole business is crazy making. I was so hoping that today would be the day, but it is still so early. Do whatever it takes to make yourself feel better….

((HUGS))

22 03 2009
Leah

Please don’t ever be embarrassed by your POAS habit. There are many, many of us out there with the same addiction.

I truly wish your sticks were giving you different, consistently + results. I’ll continue to hold out hope, I’ve got everything crossed for you!

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