10dp3dt – Battered

22 03 2009

Another negative.  After I wrote my post yesterday, I pretty much fell apart.  I feel truly battered, exhausted and numb.  I cried with Mr. M for a while yesterday and then took a nap, which I think saved my sanity for the rest of the day.  


I really do not know what the future holds for us.  I had always looked forward to the “next cycle” and there was hope in that looking forward.  Now I just feel beaten, raw and submissive.  I feel like I just want to give up this dream to have a child.  

The last year has given me two pregnancies, two losses, 3 IVFs and 1 canceled IVF.  I am so tired of the emotional roller coaster.  Sheer joy, sheer terror, hope, fear, crushing disappointment, anger, confusion, shock, disbelief, horror, isolation and depression are just a few of the emotions I have gone from in a span of days, over and over and over in just one year.  That is just too much.

My self esteem has totally cratered.  I feel fat, defective, old, worn, depressed and desperate.  

I always say that I need a break after each cycle – some were longer than others – and I am not sure how much of a break I am going to need this time.  I just want to heal a bit, to get some of my confidence back, to have fun with Mr. M and his son, to leave the house during a weekend, to feel normal again.  One of my blogging buddies had a post about faking it until we make it – that is exactly what I intend to do in the hopes it will save me from the darkest places in my heart.
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28 responses

22 03 2009
Leah

I’m so, so sorry. I was sincerely hoping to come here this morning and find wonderful news. I’m just so sorry. It’s the very definition of unfair, it never makes sense to me.

22 03 2009
dreamyouremine

Oh Lisa, I am so sorry. I am sitting here crying for everything you’ve gone through. Be kind to yourself.

22 03 2009
'Murgdan'

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Fuck infertility and all the pain it causes…

22 03 2009
'Murgdan'

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Fuck infertility and all the pain it causes…

22 03 2009
sprogblogger

I am so sorry, Lisa. Take whatever time you need, and yeah, faking it is a viable option until you’ve got some strength back. You’re in my thoughts.

22 03 2009
Nikki

Lisa – I’m so sorry! I could have written your post myself. Sometimes hope is so hard to find, and it isn’t fair what life has dished out to us.

I have no words of wisdom. I wish we lived close by so I could have given you a hug in person. I hope you will be able to be gentle to yourself and take some time to heal – not just physically, but emotionally and mentally.

Lots of hugs to you.

22 03 2009
Niki

Lisa, this sucks. I’m so terribly sorry. The dark place where you are is familiar to me … I always seem to go to that place of hopelessness after disappointing news. Fortunately after a little bit of time I’m back to making a plan of action. If there’s one thing about us infertiles it’s that we are resilient and very good at “faking it”. If those IRL actually knew how we feel inside, they’d probably try committing us. Take the time you need for you and we’ll be here. ((HUGS))

22 03 2009
hopefulone

Hi Lisa,

I am so sorry, reading your post brought tears to my eyes.

Then I makes me feel angry because this is so unfair.

I am going to be praying that something great comes out of this for you and Mr.M.

22 03 2009
mylifechronicles

Oh Lisa… I am so sorry that you are going through this. Take your time to heal. Take your time to get back to your life. Be it faking or for real… I believe it can help. Thinking of you. ((HUGS))

22 03 2009
Just me

Lisa- I don’t have a lot of comforting words, but I’m sending you hugs and thinking of you…

22 03 2009
Clio

dear, dear Lisa
your post carries so many familiar feelings.
I am so sorry.
This roller coaster, this darkness in the end… it is too painful.
May you find the strenght to heal. Take your time. Reclaim your self esteem when you are ready.
we are here for you. A tribe of virtual sisters.
Cry, vent, scream all you want. But never doubt your strenght and your beauty.
We all need to find ourselves after a blow like this.
May you find your center and heal.
hugs

22 03 2009
Susette

Lisa, you probably will not want to hear anything I say right now but I wanted you to know you have inspired me with your journey. I have started my next screenplay which deals with the many facets of wanting a child. My own brief history, 3 miscarriages, then a daughter, then 3 more miscarriages then another daughter and then 3 more miscarriages and now I am using the book, The Infertility Cure by Randine Lewis Ph.D. Although I have not gone the IVF route or assisted repro. route I have always known that my losses were showing me were I had confused thinking…ie…my body is broken, I am too old, I don’t deserve, I have no control over my body, why me, etc…all of these experiences have brought me closer to myself. My girls and all those losses literally have forced me to love myself. What a gift…I can now love myself through anything.
I wish you ease during this time.
Thank-you for your demonstration of bravery and honesty.

22 03 2009
Erica

Not that these words are comforting, but I’m so sorry. I’m thinking of you and hoping that you feel peace with all of this soon.

Thank you, too, for all of your support on my blog. I greatly appreciate it and feel strength in knowing that I’m not alone in this hell hole. I hope we’re both out of it soon.

22 03 2009
Emily

Oh Lisa, such bad news today…I am so, so, so sorry. Take all the time you need to rest and heal and figure things out. Thinking of you and sending huge hugs!

22 03 2009
Andrea

I am so sorry:( f-ing IF…..

22 03 2009
kirke

This sucks, Lisa. Seriously sucks. I wish I had the words that would make this all better or make you feel comforted, but I know there are none.

Thinking of you. Be gentle with yourself.

22 03 2009
Darya

I’ve been thinking about you all day…trying to think of something I could say to make you feel better and I’m sorry I’m here empty handed. I didn’t POAS for the first time in 2 years because I’m almost positive this cycle didn’t work and I’m not ready to deal with the devastation and grief that will follow. I almost want to cancel my blood test tomorrow because I’m so scared.

I’m sorry you are here. I’m sorry IF sucks so bad. I’m sorry for all that you’ve been through.

22 03 2009
Mo and Will

Lisa

i’ve been thinking of you and your husband all day. very sorry you’re going through this. please know we understand as few others can. hang in there. it must get better, right?

Mo

23 03 2009
Caroline

I’m so sorry for the pain of your loss Lisa. I feel for you so much. We are here for you anytime, and we are sending you a big group hug.

23 03 2009
Darya

I’m going in for the test now but I won’t know until sometime this afternoon. They usually call between 3 and 4 central. How about you?

23 03 2009
strongblonde

arg. i so totally hate the post cycle mental battle. it absolutely sucks.

thinking lots about you.

xoxo

23 03 2009
Mo and Will

thinking of you today. we tested negative again this morning and gave blood for beta. waiting for the official “it’s over” call.
hope you’re hanging in ok. i took a mental health day today.

mo

23 03 2009
MamaSoon

I am sorry it was negative. I know the hurt all too well. ((Hugs))

23 03 2009
Darya

I’m so sorry sweetie. (((HUGS)))

I am waiting. Not feeling good about it. 😦

23 03 2009
Darya

I just got bad news too. I fucking hate this shit.

23 03 2009
Soko's Journey to Parenthood

Lisa, I am so sorry to hear this news.Not sure why things happen like they do and in the world of infertility it’s never something we can understand.

Our hearts and our prayers are with you and I hope in time you find a way to heal and contine to move towards your ream of having a child.

Take care,
Tracy

23 03 2009
Soko's Journey to Parenthood

Lisa, I am so sorry to hear this news.Not sure why things happen like they do and in the world of infertility it’s never something we can understand.

Our hearts and our prayers are with you and I hope in time you find a way to heal and contine to move towards your ream of having a child.

Take care,
Tracy

23 03 2009
hopefulone

Thinking of you…

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