Today

23 03 2009

Today sucked, it really, really sucked.  I got the call from the clinic – officially a bfn.  I am all over the place.  The worst part of the day is when I told my dad – I am his clone – and he started crying on the phone.   There really are no words for that.  


I am trying to stay away from raging against my clinic for the shitty response – I think my eggs may have been over-cooked – I got my records today and the notes said most of the oocytes had dark zonas and the three that did not fertilize were “atretic” whatever the hell that means (update – Dr. Google says that means postmature – I am in a rage).  The icing on the cake was the transfer – I really feel like they should have had me empty my bladder more – I had to do it twice since they were running late.  I cannot do anything about it – nothing, nada, zip – it is over and there is not shit I could do about it even if it was their fault – shit happens and it is happening to me, it is my turn for whatever reason.  My RE is calling me tomorrow “between 9:30 and 12:00” (my clients would kill me if I scheduled calls like that) to “discuss where to go from here”.  It should be interesting.   If I do IVF again, I would rather go out at the best clinic I can – anyone have success from Cornell?  I have heard quite about about CCRM and I had a phone consult with them but I really do not know anything about Cornell.

Well, where do we go from here?  I have no idea.  Mr. M has come along for this crazy ride and I have completely left it up to him.  Whatever path he wants to take for us to become parents at this point, I will try.  I will try DS, DE, IVF again, adoption, anything.  Each path has its own ups and downs and grieving processes (and potential financial ruin).  I do feel like it is insane – doing the same thing over and over and over and expecting different results – I feel insane because I want to try again.  There, I said it.

I keep saying things to myself like – this is just temporary, you will be a mother someday…etc.  I know I have good things in my life – why does it feel so hollow right now, so fake, like I am playing a part in a play and we have not gotten to real life yet.

Do you remember the other attor.ney I told you about – I went to law school with him? Their retrieval was the same day as mine – they only got two eggs, one fertilized, three day transfer on the same day as mine with a 7 cell B and he told me her beta (she is 38) was 160 today.  They have had two prior miscarriages so when he told me I was so happy for them – but of course, for me, I was like WTF, really?  I hope they end up with a beautiful baby – which will be due on my birthday. That is right – my due date this time would have been my birthday.   IF and IVF are dogs from hell (for those of you who know Buk.owski – obviously I need to stay away from him right now).

Thank you all for your support.  Please also give Mo and Darya some love – they got their official bfns today too.  
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27 responses

23 03 2009
'Murgdan'

Oh I’m so sorry. Suck. Dammit. This just freakin’ sucks.

23 03 2009
'Murgdan'

Oh I’m so sorry. Suck. Dammit. This just freakin’ sucks.

23 03 2009
Darya

I just emailed you 2 seconds before I got your message on my blog.

23 03 2009
Flower

I am so sorry….(((HUGS))) It is totally unfair….I would be upset too.

23 03 2009
strongblonde

arg. this totally sucks. i hate that you (or any of us) have to go through this!!

big hugs.

23 03 2009
Just me

Oh what a sucky sucky day. 😦 I’m sorry. It’s frustrating enough to deal with all this IF crap, but to feel like your clinic isn’t doing their part well must feel unbearable!

Thinking of you! Spoil yourself this week. {{{hugs}}}

23 03 2009
sprogblogger

Oh god, I am so sorry. Thinking of you.

23 03 2009
Caroline

Hi Lisa,
I’m so sorry that you had such a crappy day. I was really hoping that this would be your lucky cycle. You are doing so well just to get through this. Spoil yourself, you deserve it.

23 03 2009
What IF?

Your post gave me a huge lump in my throat. I’m so sorry about this awful outcome. You write so beautifully about wanting your life back, the desperation, the weight gain, the frustration, the anger, the disappointment upon disappointment. The just wanting it to work, damn it! I am really sorry you are living this hell right now and hope you can find a way to pick your trampled heart off the floor after you have worked through this grief. Sending you strength, and hugs.

Thank you for all the stunning comments you have left on my blog, especially after my BFN last month.

23 03 2009
Niki

Uggh, even when you know to expect the $hitty news it still hurts. I guess there's always that glimmer of hope and when the official word comes it's crushing, so it's no wonder your day sucked! Mine sucked too. I am so frickin' pissed and sad for me, you, Mo/Will, Mr. & Mrs. Duck, and Brenda (No Regrets). I just don't understand this and just really wanted one of my special blogger friends to have some good news damn it!

I did have a phone consult with the RE (I forgot his name) at Cornell who specializes in uterine lining research. I liked him and found him to be very knowledgeable, but beyond that I don't have any experience with their clinic.

I am pleased to hear that you want to try again. Do you know why? Because to me that means you have hope. You believe in your heart that at the end of this hell on Earth nightmare that you will have a child. I am standing and ready to walk on with you whenever your and Mr. M decide the direction you will take. You are a fighter and an inspiration to others to keep "walking through the flames". Keep on friend, keep on!

BTW … I'll be emailingn you when I get caught up on my grading, which clearly isn't going so well for me tonight.

23 03 2009
hopefulone

This just sucks hardcore, sorry does not even seem to cut it.

I am thinking of you and the pain and heartache you must be dealing with today.

It is so unfair, so unfair.

Lately it just seems that is all that is happening is unfair things to deserving people.

My thoughts are with you.. your blog is inspiring and fearless.

(((big hugs)))

23 03 2009
mekate

I am so sorry- I hear you– wondering why we try the same thing over and over hoping for a different outcome. Oh me too-I wonder too, and I do the same thing and wish for a different outcome- and I wish and hope for a different outcome for you next time– IVF, or whatever you do.

and oh, I so agree: inspiring and fearless.

23 03 2009
Emily

I can't even believe you are out there today being a cheerleader for others – you are one strong chick!

I am so sorry for everything you are going through. I am sorry your clinic f'd up – I know my last cycle was a bust (at least in great part) b.c of the protocol. Water under the bridge.

I had a phone consult with cornell set up after #3 and cancelled. They were amazing & helpful in the setup & the consult was going to be free. It is probably worth calling. If I remember, their website is loaded with info.

Thinking of you and wishing it wasn't so.

Please take care of yourself!

23 03 2009
Nikki

Lisa – I’m so sorry sweetie. Big hugs to you.

I’m doing ok – thanks so much for your message on my blog today. I will write a post tonight or tomorrow – I have a bunch of random updates for you guys. Nothing really TTC related, but generally.

Hang in there sweetie – if you need any info on CCRM, let me know.

24 03 2009
DAVs

It all sucks. I’m just so sorry you’re at this point. We went all the way to CCRM for our final cycle and failed there too. The pain of all of this is simply too much sometimes. You’re not crazy for wanting to cycle again. It’s completely understandable.

24 03 2009
mylifechronicles

Oh.. I am soo sorry dear! This just blows! I hate that you have to go through this. Wish it would have ended a different way.
But I am glad to hear that you want to try again. Hope is what keeps us moving. Just take some time off to get through this cycle mentally before you make any big decisions. ((HUGS))

24 03 2009
dreamyouremine

I am so sorry. So very sorry. Try to find something that makes you happy, even if it is only a little, and not fret about next steps. No decisions need to be made right now. Thinking of you.

24 03 2009
hopefulone

just read your comment on my blog.. glad you seen my post too.

Hoping a few sweet things find you today.

24 03 2009
kirke

I hate this, Lisa. I so wanted a different ending. I hate that you are going through this right now.
It just broke my heart when I ready your post

I’m thinking of you.

24 03 2009
bunny

so, so, so sorry. hope you don’t have to fake it for much longer… sending you hugs.

and extra special thank you for cheering me on when you are in such a tough place– your good karma account must be huge!!

24 03 2009
Mtnhighmama

NO! no no no. this just isn’t right. I’m mad for you.

biggest of hugs, Lisa.

25 03 2009
Katie

I am so sorry…I really don’t know why this happens- it is just terrible and it sucks!! Take care, you are both in my prayers!

25 03 2009
Clio

Lisa dear… this sucks really bad.
((hugs)))
I don’t blame you for wanting to change clinics. If I end up doing IVF again I’ll also try with a different one.
interesting that this setback has not stopped you from still wanting to try again, and perhaps try other options.
and yeah… stay away from Bukowski.
((more hugs))

25 03 2009
JJ

I hate this! I know that feeling of rage. I had that after each of my failed attempts b/c I always felt that they cd have done something better or more to make the cycle successful. I’m so sorry.

I don’t know much about Cornell, other than I’ve heard anecdotally that they are a bit impersonal. I swear by CCRM. I hope you are able to move forward with a great plan and that things will ultimately work out. Big big hugs.

25 03 2009
Mo and Will

lisa

i feel like i’m coming back to life a little bit a day at a time. just finally processing this post of yours…

so, about cornell, although we haven’t had success at there, many many women I know have. they specialize in taking very hard cases, many people who have failed elsewhere. although we’re unfortunately in the minority who haven’t yet succeeded, they’ve been nothing but kind and professional with me. i’d be happy to email with you if you wanted about specific physicians there. they are all good, but there are a few stars.

moandwill@gmail.com

mo

26 03 2009
Lisa

I’m new to your blog but wanted to pipe in. I cycled at Cornell with Dr. Davis in December. While I didn’t have success, DH and I both feel like he gave us our best shot ever to become parents and they were nothing but professional. My phone rang on several occasions and it was him wanting to talk about something in my chart, etc. Although they cycle a LOT of women, and it is impersonal to a degree at the clinic (they have it DOWN), I received personal service when it actually counted. ER and ET are a bit like a cattle call, but I sort of knew that going in so I wasn’t shocked (sitting in a room in hospital gear with 12 other couples, also sitting there with few clothes…weird!). My embryos, while few, were stellar, and I did end up with a CP after never, ever being pregnant before. We’re likely done (and had already moved onto domestic adoption when I did the last IVF…last shot, so to speak) but if I could come up with the cash again, I’d DEFINITELY go back to Cornell. No hesitation.

26 03 2009
Lisa

Oh, and good luck to you! If you want to chat, feel free to email me at
“lvfrey [at] gmail [dot] com”.

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