Anger, Joke, and Strange Territory

8 04 2009

Rambling, all over the place post.

So I have not gotten a smiley face on my digital OPK yet.  I am scared that the test malfunctioned and I missed it and we will have to wait until next month.  I hate waiting and I am done with it.  Today is CD 13 – I used to be a 28 day girl but my cycles have been different since all of the drugs this last year so I am not sure when I “should” be ovulating.  For those of you who have used OPKs, please let me know your experience and when you got a positive.

Niki wrote a post that made me think of how I feel “alone” most of the time inside this head of mine.  No one IRL life really knows that most of the time I think of not being pregnant, being pregnant, my losses, my fear of the future being childless, etc. etc. etc.  I feel like I live all alone in this great big house that is my head.

I have been feeling pretty angry the last few days.  Anger that I am not currently pregnant and anger that my prior two pregnancies failed.

I shared with a fellow IVFr and multiple miscarriage victim last night that I sometimes feel like this is a big joke – that my attempts to conceive through any method, but especially DS, is a big joke and that it is not going to work, it is never going to work and I am just wasting my time, energy and money.  

Honestly – I feel like I am going to get my period, not ovulate!

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13 responses

8 04 2009
sprogblogger

ugh. yes. I hope no one – outside of those of you who read my blog, anyway – know how much energy, how much of my LIFE is invested in having a child, thinking about having a child, wishing for a child, dreading a future without a child…

You said it well. Great big house, and we’re each all alone there.

But at least we get mail sometimes. Hang in there. Keeping my fingers crossed that the damned OPK shows dark soon. (I hate those damned things. Never did feel like I was getting a positive, even when I knew I was.)

8 04 2009
mrs.spit

Sending hugs. I usually ovulate around day 19 after having Gabe.

8 04 2009
mylifechronicles

I am very scared to acknowledge that I might end up with a childless future. My mind just doesn’t want to go there. It is in denial. And the very few times that it has gone there, nothing productive came out of that. I just hope I don’t have to face it and deal with it!
When I used OPKs, I got a positive on CD13. But, this was before my body saw any external hormones. I don’t know where it would be now. Keeping my fingers crossed and hope that you see a positive on that OPK soon!

8 04 2009
Maria

Funny, I was going to say that it sounds like someone is quite hormonal today…maybe that’s a sign the Big O is on it’s way??

Sorry you’re having a rough day. I hope tomorrow is better {{HUGS}}.

8 04 2009
Sue

I used to use OPK’s and would always surge on day 13 of a 26 day cycle. Then came IVF and IVF meds. This past month, I tested and tested and got a positive OPK on day 20 -yes, one whole week late. I was floored. The one thing that I did do was test at the exact same time every day and not with first morning’s urine (it can dilute the surge). When it got closer to day 14-17 I started testing 2x a day so I didn’t miss it (expensive, yes, but I buy those cheap mega packs of the ones you dip in pee in a cup – I’ve learned with my own cycles they work better and have the added bonus of 20 in a box).

Stick with it (lol, I made a pun). I know how you feel. After all I’ve been through I can’t imagine that I will ever be pregnant again and can barely remember that I ever was…until I think that my due date would be very quickly approaching. It is an awful isolating feeling. But, I still plug on forward, what choice do we have? I think it is so cool that you are doing a natural IUI cycle…at least you will get one good healthy and unmedicated egg!

8 04 2009
Niki

Lisa, please never worry about the advice that you give to me. Your advice is always welcome! I am hoping that the opk smiles back at you sometime soon. I have heard from others that their cycles were lengthened by the IF meds, so it very well could be that your cycle is just going to be a few days longer.

I am so sorry that you feel alone. It’s tough to deal with all of this on your own and to not have the support of others IRL. Is there a reason you haven’t gone public with your IF struggles? Have you considered sharing your story with a select few close friends? Are you afraid of their reaction? I’ve been fairly public with my struggle since it began, but that’s really just my personality. I know that there is a negative stigma surrounding infertility and it makes those of us who struggle with it feel shameful. It shouldn’t be this way and the only way that we can break down the stereotypes is to speak out and educate our friends and family. I’m not telling you what to do because it’s such a personal issue, but rather providing my take on why I have made my struggle public.

I should also say mention that if you do decide to share your struggle with people IRL you may still feel alone. I feel alone all the time and it’s because despite their best efforts fertiles just don’t “get it.” With that said some of the people you least expect will surprise you and be your strongest supporters. Please remember that I’m here for you whenever you need me (you have my email)! ((HUGS))

8 04 2009
meinsideout

Hey Niki – thanks so much. I am pretty “out” with our IF, IVF and my losses but we are keeping our choice to use donor sperm close to the chest.

8 04 2009
T

Hey…

I have done about 8 IVF, and my cycle is just plain wonked.. I think the PIO you were on might be holding things up.. I really hope it is not a missed cycle..

thinking of you and bigs hugs…

T

8 04 2009
Andrea

I hope you see that 🙂 very soon and that this cycle results in your sticky, healthy baby! I feel the same way, though, I’m always thinking about some form of IF, but most of the time I can’t say anything outloud, so then I just come to the blogosphere to vent. We’re hear to listen!! ((HUGS))

8 04 2009
Rebecca

OPKs never worked for me. I’m not sure if it was b/c I just used them wrong or was careless with when I tested or b/c I used the cheapy ones from Dollar Tree. I did get really good at the saliva microscope though, and it worked for me. Maybe try that as an additional test? I want to say the brand name I used was Ovulite, and I bought it on eBay for about $15.

9 04 2009
caroline

Hey sweetie,

I’m so sorry that you feel all alone. I know how you feel. This whole thing totally sucks, and I wonder if it is a big joke too.
I’m sorry I can’t help you out with the OPK thing. I never really used them. But I am here for you anytime you need me.
Caroline

9 04 2009
JJ

I hate to tell you this and everyone is different, but I ovulated really late after each IVF cycle. Once on CD24, once on CD21 and once on CD22. The drugs really messed with my system. I hope you don’t have to wait much longer. I’m sure you haven’t missed it!

It’s hard to read how alone you feel. I’ve been there, as have so many of us. I’m unable to think about anything else, make any real plans or anything like that. Everything has been on hold since I started on this road. IF takes over your whole life. I’ll confess that even if I make plans to go out with friends, half the time I have to cancel since I’m having a bad day and can’t go out in public. I’m very lucky I work from home…..

I’m hoping that you will feel much better as soon as you see the smiley face or two lines on the OPK. Only a few more days. If you get too frustrated, you could always go and get some blood work done, E2, P4 and LH. That will give an indication of where you might be in the cycle. However, I’m pretty sure you’re just a few days late with it because of the IVF meds.

Big hugs!

9 04 2009
clio

I hope you are just having a longer cycle.
I totally share your anger that it all seems like a big joke and I also feel alone with my pain. Even close, close friends who are very supportive, cannot really get it. But it’s easier, like Nikki said, if you share your struggles with someone else besides your DH. Even if they don’t completely understand, they can give us much needed support, love and distraction. 🙂

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