thank you; 11dpiui continued

21 04 2009

Thank you all for your words of support, I cannot tell you how it makes me feel.  I. bled. all. day. long.  It is starting to hit my panties now, I cannot wear tampons and I have the crinone clumps coming out of me with dark clots of blood.  It is so primitive yet I feel so vulnerable, so stripped of my dignity in a weird way.

I was like an automated zombie at work.  I worked on documents, I discussed my idea of instituting a firm wide volunteer program, I talked to clients, I talked to clients, I attended a practice group meeting.  I was literally like a zombie.  It was a relief on one hand – I was just me – but it was so lonely on the other hand.  I drove home and felt so alone and reading your comments made me cry and realize that I am not alone.  I cannot thank you all enough for that.

My insurance emailed me back – they said they need a diagnosis code – it was after 5:00 when I received the email so I could not call them.  That sent me into such an internal rage it was scary.  How the f*&* would I know the diagnosis code offhand?  I will ask my clinic tomorrow when they call me with my results.  

I did have the RPL blood panel done after my second loss – that was all clear.  The only other things I can think of is a uterine issue they missed with the sonohysterogram (maybe I should request an hsg?) or chromosomal issues with me.  

Sprogblogger’s post tonight hit me in my heart.  I think that people think I should give up.  No one has said that.  But that is one of the reasons why I quit telling most people.  I can feel the judgment pouring off of them.  And my answer is the same as Sprogger’s – I am desperate for a child.




9 responses

21 04 2009

Oh man. I feel your pain….I really, really do..and just did a couple of days ago. It sooooo sucks. And I am so sorry. It’s the type of pain only narcotics can begin to shake a stick at. I just read your previous post. We did karyotyping on DH. It provided nothing for us. However, if it did provide something for you then your option would be to do an IVF cycle with PGD if there was a genetic issue to avoid. This is so tough, and still experimental to a degree, and there is some risk to the embryo. I wish I could say something else to comfort you. I wish I could help more.

21 04 2009

Wow, I can’t believe you made it through a day of work. I know what you mean about feeling that people wonder why you are doing this. I still feel like people are wondering why and waiting for something bad to happen. Everyone has their own path to take and they can’t possibly understand. Just know that lots of us do.

21 04 2009

Sending hugs.

21 04 2009

More hugs…

21 04 2009

Hey sweetie…

I’m so sorry you are in this hell. It’s so unfair. Your words ” I can feel the judgment pouring off of them” are the exact words I feel so often. It totally sucks doesn’t it?

And BRAVO for doing all that you did at work today. I know how hard that can be. ((HUGS))

21 04 2009

gosh darn sweet lady- no one else is in your shoes. I think you are superwoman going through your day today-
but I would have thought that if you were home
or eating bonbons.

This is so friggin hard- it is plenty hard enough without the Them and the judgment. Know that you are doing the right thing for You. If someone has not felt the intensity of this particular compulsion, this biological imperative, there is simply no way for them to understand how non-negotiable this is. I knew I had to try, and then each time I tried I knew I was not done.

And I am so so sorry for all that you are going through and all the myriad vulnerabilities. I wish on you peace and healing. Warmly, Kate

22 04 2009

Hey L

I am so sorry for all you are going through… sending you big hugs…

22 04 2009

Many hugs to you. Hats off to you for dealing with your day today. Any other woman would be a mess.

If you haven’t had an HSG before, you should get that done. I believe a sonohystogram may not be enough to detect uterus issues.

I read sprogbloggers post, and I so totally agree. The numerous times people tell me I’m brave, I feel like saying “I’m not brave. I don’t have another option, that’s it.” 😦

22 04 2009

Definitely don’t give up. Honestly, you really haven’t been through all of the treatments! The acupuncturist I went to yesterday said that she had a client go through 21 IVFs before she got pregnant! (of course, this was during a negative commentary of my old RE and how he never changes protocol and this poor woman did the same protocol 21 times!).

I am on my 7th IVF. After my 5th we found out that all of my prior IVF’s were crap and were not going to work no matter how perfect my body is. So, if I gave up after 5, I would have NEVER given myself a chance! See your RE, get a second opinion with another RE, discuss genetic testing and move forward. I would be shocked if you gave up right here.

I, too, am impressed that you made it through a day at work! Please take care of yourself and your DH and just see how you feel after a regroup. I wish this didn’t happen (but, needless to say, I was impressed that it worked on a natural IUI, maybe you have less problems than you realize). Hugs.

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