12dpiui; Negative HPT and AF

22 04 2009

The FRED was stark white this morning – at first I thought it was the waste of a test but it is different when you KNOW for sure.  Even when I know in my head, there is a part of my heart screaming “he or she could still be fighting in there, don’t give up on them”.

But, now I KNOW.  AF is here in full force.  I am going in to the obligatory blood test.  I am going to stop and get a giant cup of coffee first.  

I am really busy at work.  Yesterday, in between my day, I cleaned my office.  It is usually immaculate.  But, over the last three-four months, it has really deteriorated.  People are probably going to think I am quitting because it looks so clean – I needed to clean it, I need a cleansing of sorts.  I wish it were that easy.

I have to say, this is much easier off all of the drugs.  Or maybe it is easier because I have had other losses.  I say easier because I can function, I can think, I can make rational plans.  I am not as depressed.  My office was a clue about how depressed I have been.  That, and sitting in front of the TV every night and not taking off these bloody 15 pounds from the prior IVFs, the prior losses, the prior-what-felt-like-eternal-hell.  Maybe I am just used to it – living this way, living with this grief, the cynical hope but that part of my heart is screaming that it could happen.

((HUGS)) to all of you and thank you for loving me.

ce.  I

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13 responses

22 04 2009
mekate

Sending you big love.
FucQing pervasive invasive and well earned grief– I hate the familiarity of it and how you’ve come to know it so well, and once again, yay to your cynical hopeful resilient heart.

There’ve been a million moments in this journey where I thought all I wanted was clarity, when it turns out, what I really wanted was for all to be well, all to be proceeding normally and for everything to work out. So today you have clarity. But that is not my wish for you– my true wish is for all to be well, for you to have success, and to have everything work out.
Thinking of you,
Kate

22 04 2009
Just me

So sorry sweetie. Sending hugs.

22 04 2009
Nikki

(((HUGS))) So very sorry. I was also holding on to hope for you.

Sending calming thoughts your way. Take care of yourself.

22 04 2009
Mo

Just sorry. Thinking of you.

Mo

22 04 2009
T

Oh Lisa I am so very sorry.

I wish I could think of some comforting words but I have nothing cause is this beyond unfair.

22 04 2009
Sarah

I just found your blog yesterday and am catching up on your story. My heart goes out to you…. that special cocktail of grief and hope is one that only fellow members of this “club” seem to understand. I hope it’s ok that I added your blog to my blogroll… I’d like to follow along as you continue your journey.
Hoping that this day is better than yesterday,
Sarah

22 04 2009
Sprogblogger

I’m so very sorry. Thinking of you.

22 04 2009
Maria

I’m so sorry. ❤ & hugs.

22 04 2009
clio

sweetie… I’m so sorry.
This really sucks, no matter how many times we’ve been through it. I do like your idea of cleansing, clearing, cleaning. Doing that outside of us, helps us clear our thoughts and feelings inside as well.
I hope you find strenght, love and support also from those around you in this difficult journey.
hugs and blessings
clio

22 04 2009
mrs.spit

I’m sorry. Everything about this sucks.

22 04 2009
K

Amen….to everything you said. The cleaning, the moving on. It really does feel good. Good for you…!

22 04 2009
agplatters

No. No, no, no, no. It is good to have a definitive answer and be able to move on. Take it easy the next few days in case your emotions hit you later–you have every right to feel however you need to feel right now. I hope they can do some testing to prevent this from happening again, honey.

22 04 2009
Niki

I am so sorry about everything. It sucks! Honestly it’s probably a combinatin of reasons why you are having an easier time dealing with this loss, but for me the biggest factor for me after my first two losses was that it was now familiar. Not that you want a m/c to be familiar, but sadly now they are. You know that you will fall down, but you also know that you will get back up again. You will be able to walk forward again through the pain and sadness. So, it is mentally much easier to deal with. I’m thinking of you and sending ((hugs)) and healing.

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