Walking Out of the Darkness

25 04 2009

Mr. M and I took a walk in a local park today – it was beautiful and hot and just great to get out.  As we were walking, I saw so many people with their kids, women with strollers with babies as old as mine would be had my first pregnancy been successful. I could feel the darkness that I am/have been living in and I looked at the man next to me – my man – and it struck me how hard he has been fighting to keep me with him – he as drug me out of so many dark places and days just by doing simple things like the dishes and laundry.  He has asked me to do so many things and I usually say no because I was too tired or I felt too sad or I felt too insecure – and it hit me – I have to work harder to meet him half-way, I have to walk, more like, drag myself out of the darkness to get to him, to love him, to take care of him.  He is getting tired too – tired of losing me to this process over and over and over again.  I am going to slowly try to get my life back more and more – I have to, pregnancy or no pregnancy, baby or no baby – I need to find myself again, find joy again.

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19 responses

25 04 2009
sprogblogger

You’re right, of course. And I think it’s the hardest thing about this whole process – finding that balance between being true to what we feel and not allowing ourselves to sink into it, forcing those we love to come in after us.

I wish you joy and peace and the enjoyment of many long walks in the sun with your man by your side. The baby will come. Live for today, too, so you have wonderful memories of your time together when it was just the two of you, as well as the memories of the sacrifices you made for each other.

Thinking of you.

Thank you for the reminder of what’s important here…

25 04 2009
Darya

I’m with you girl. I want that too and I agree this is so hard for our other half but how do we do it? I really don’t know. I feel like whenever I try, I get kicked in the face and I’m right back in the hole and waiting to be dug out. It sucks.

26 04 2009
T

hugs…

26 04 2009
K

Wow, you are so right. It makes so much sense. I have to do the same thing. Thanks for sharing and opening my eyes…I need to turn on my OWN lights. I salute the joy you will discover.

26 04 2009
agplatters

You will drag yourself out of the darkness. It sucks that you have been there for awhile and are there right now. But it is also part of the grieving process and coming to terms with what has happened. Just the fact that you are recognizing where you are at and where you want to be shows you are ready and are so strong. It won’t be as fast or easy as we’d all like, but you will get there honey.

26 04 2009
mekate

Such kind comments and I so agree–
You have every right to be whatever you are emotionally moment to moment. I am sure that man-o-yours will appreciate any gesture you make, whenever it is you are ready or able to make it. He is going through his side of this, as you are going through yours– and it is good to reconnect even in little ways, even if it is resting your foot on his while you watch TV. I wish you gentleness as you heal. And know we are out here pulling for you. Warmly, Kate

26 04 2009
Ashley

It is such a tough place we all find ourselves in. I feel like two separate split people–the one who is in a very dark place and the other who keeps on living. Some days my happier self is out in full force and I don’t even remember who that other darker, person is. But other days…well you get it.

Wishing you happier days!

26 04 2009
Just me

Keep fighting! Both of you! And make sure to share with Mr. M that you recognize all that he’s doing for you- it may make all of the difference to him.

Sending you light.

{{hugs}}

26 04 2009
Nikki

What a touching post! Yes, it’s so easy for us to let ourselves flow with our own individual feelings, with our own grief and loss that we sometimes don’t see it from our DH’s point of view. Your DH sounds like a wonderful man who is trying so very hard to make this easier for you. And you are wonderful for realizing this and for wanting to make the attempt to meet him half way.

Hugs to you!

26 04 2009
Andrea

Good for you! It’s so hard sometimes, isn’t it?!?! My DH is the very best and I know I’ve been less that funh to be around lately. I wish I could snap out of it, but it’s just so hard sometimes. I agree with you, though, we need to find joy again no matter how this whole IF journey turns out. I’m going to try really, really hard.

27 04 2009
Sue

It is funny – I get this way when I am finally free of meds. I start to look around again and see my wonderful DH and want to make him happy. And, to make him happy, I just need to be a little happy. I’m just getting there too – and I think I start lupron again today. Argh. Our lives are not about having children, they can’t be. Otherwise, we will be disappointed in everything and that is not a way to live. This was a good, strong moment for you. Just know that no matter what comes of this – babies or no babies – you are lucky b/c you have each other and a beautiful life. You are facing these difficulties together! Hugs.

27 04 2009
caroline

Oh sweetie – I feel for you. You have been on my mind and I have been wondering how you are.

It was wonderful to have a break from IF over the last week. There were some days when DH and I just had fun and IF didn’t even cross my mind. It gave me hope that life can be fun and worth living even without a current pregnancy or child. I hadn’t thought it would be possible to be happy without children, but the last week has proven me wrong.

I’m here for you anytime.

x

28 04 2009
Jill

I am so sorry for all the pain you’re going through. My heart aches to read this. It is great that your DH has been so wonderful, he knows you love him, but the extra effort you can make at a time like this will surely help him too with his grieving. ((hugs))

29 04 2009
Sarah

There are moments when I look at my husband and I think that I couldn’t love him any more than I do, and then he is so deeply kind, and even in light of our newest diagnosis (balanced translocation), he has maintained that we will be parents, no matter what, and held my hand as I descended into the darkness, so that I would know that there is a way out, and I find an even deeper level of love than I ever knew existed.

30 04 2009
mekate

me again, just checking in and sending love.
Hoping you are as ok as you can be. Warmly, Kate

30 04 2009
JJ

Hey, just popping in to say hi. I’m wondering if you’re feeling a bit better? Hope so. Hugs. Jxx

30 04 2009
pj

Thanks for reading my blog and leaving a comment.

I love Sue’s comment!

I’m sorry you’re in that dark place too. Know that you aren’t alone. I’m hoping that someday we both can look back on these times and know that we got through them, and for whatever it’s worth we survived.

Wishing you much peace.

1 05 2009
Just me

Just wanted to say hi. 🙂

I hope spring is helping to raise your spirits a bit and that you are feeling a little “brighter”.

Thinking of you…

1 05 2009
Echloe

Thanks for your encouraging words on my blog. I hope to do the same for you. It is going to be hard. But someday I’m sure you’ll feel like yourself again. Sadly this happens to a lot of people. And they aren’t walking around in a zombie sadness forever. And neither will you. Hang in there.

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