HSG Results; Work; Darkness; Light

2 05 2009

My hsg was totally normal.  I told my sister and she was like, “Oh no, ok”.  she keeps thinking that there is going to be a magic answer – shit, I keep thinking there is going to be a magic answer.  The bottom line is that there is no magic answer.  

It was a rough week.  I am really busy at work – with work and pro bono and volunteer initiatives I am trying to get my firm to stand behind.  I am trying to help an organization start a leg.al clini.c for our street hom.eless population, I am co-chair of our pr.o b.ono protec.tion from ab.use program, I am on a newly formed volunteer committee for a local nonprofit that seeks to improve education for children in home.less shelters and finally I was just interviewed to serve on a board that seeks to get medical care to the stree.t home.less population worldwide.  I now want to quit my regular job and do everything else I am doing full time instead – it feels so good and I feel selfish for feeling that way but it is the best I have felt in so long helping people in even small ways.

I grew up extremely poor – my father is an alcoholic – sober now – and my mother was a rage-a-holic – dormant now.  We lived on the skirts of homeless.ness – there was always the fear that we would lose our house.  A local businessman ended up buying our mortgage after my mother left and my father fell apart so that my father would not be home.less with three daughters.  I worked two to three jobs to get through undergrad and I worked full time during la.w school – I was in the top 10% of my class and I was lucky enough to land a great job.  I spent the first few years of my career working nonstop and now that I have “proven” myself and my last review was the best I have ever had in any job – I need to start giving back more.  

It seems as though my life now revolves around finding distractions to sufficiently take my mind away from my life, which revolves around getting and staying pregnant and my broken, shattered, blackened heart.  I had a really dark day Tuesday – the misery was incredible – and I really, really want to try and stay out of that darkness.  Please.  

As for getting knocked up – I am waiting to see a smiley face – today may be CD 11 – it is hard to tell since my “implantation spotting” turned into AF.

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9 responses

2 05 2009
Sprogblogger

Oh my dear. I wish there was a magic answer for each of us. And I wish it wasn’t so sucky. And I really wish we could all do the things (besides trying to reproduce) that make us feel the most like ourselves. I’m so glad you’ve found something that is so satisfying, and I hope you’re able to pursue it as deeply as you want to.

But mostly, I hope that smiley-face shows up on time, and that this next cycle works perfectly so that you can get on with your life and never have to face that dark place again.

You’re very much in my thoughts today. Take care.

2 05 2009
Jill

Lisa-I’m so sorry for all the pain you’re going through now and I’m also deeply sorry and saddened for all the heartache you’ve endured your whole life. You’ve had a tough one, no doubt about it. But just as you were able to rise above your childhood and finish at the top of your law school class, I believe you will rise about your infertility too. You are a fighter and even though there have been and may still be dark days ahead, I think you will remain tenacious. You have lots of support from all of us! Hoping for a smiley face very soon!!

2 05 2009
Mrs.spit

It’s amazing the way we can very slowly and painfully bring meaning to our lives, and the lives of the children not with us through volunteer work. Good for you, it won’t bring healing to the pain, necessarily, but it will bring you a renewed sense of purpose. It’s particularly hard to give to others when you hurt so badly yourself, and it truly is an amazing thing you are doing.

2 05 2009
T

Hoping your smiley face shows up soon.

You are a truly amazing gal, thanks for sharing a bit of your story..You are fearless.. your show that in everyone of your posts..

hugs…

2 05 2009
Bunny

Wow! All of the pro bono work that you are doing sounds amazing. Hope that bringing so much light into others’ lives helps to fight the darkness in your own. Thinking of you in this trying time.

2 05 2009
Maria

You do such wonderful work it just doesn’t seem fair that you’re struggling so much to get PG…I’m sure you’ve said that to yourself a million times 😉

If I had some “magic” dust I would certainly send you a whole bottle. Take care of yourself.

2 05 2009
JJ

It was very touching to read a little bit of your story and to hear what you’re doing. I’m impressed! You’ve been through alot and I hope things turn around for you very very soon. Hugs.

2 05 2009
Amanda

Your post was so touching today, despite all that you are going through you’re still so open and willing to give back! You should be very proud…sounds like all your volunteer initiatives not only make you feel good (which is awesome) but also really do help others out too!

2 05 2009
agplatters

It sounds like you’ve overcome many challenges and I have no doubt you will surpass this one too–one way or another. I wish I could give you an answer. It is impressive that you are giving so much of yourself and finding such satisfaction in each of these commitments, even as you are going through so much personally. I hope those dark days are few and far between.

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