misery

6 05 2009

please go give kate your love and support – she had an u/s today and received horrible news

today was bad.  i stayed up late reading dea.d and g.one and finished it this morning before work, i did not even take a shower.  i went to work and it was a struggle to do anything.  on top of that, any social time is spent with my friend who is pregnant.  she came in around 3:00 and said she swore she felt the baby move.  yes, i am ecstatic for her – but it felt like my heart was being hit with a cleaver.  the rest of the day was so agonizing, every minute felt like an hour and left at 5:30, which is very early for me.  on the way home, i was so depressed, the thought of coming home and sitting around made me want to pull my head off.  so i went to the gym, which i have not done in months and months, did the elliptical for 30 minutes, got in my car and started crying.  i could. not. stop.  

my heart, my head, it all hurts.  is this ever going to work.  the grief from losing 3 pregnancies (I feel bad for grieving my most recent only days old  pregnancy but I do)  this year has accumulated in my soul and i just do not know what to do with it.  i do not want mr. m to see me this way – i am afraid he will want to stop due to what it is doing to me.  that just adds extra pressure and i feel like running away 

so, what do all of you do to keep from going off of the deep end of grief?

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12 responses

6 05 2009
bellaandherfella

I’m so sorry. I guess I do a lot of the same things as you…workout, read, SHOP 🙂 You have every right to grieve your pregnancies. I so hope the next one is the sticky one. ((HUGS))

6 05 2009
Mrs.spit

Be kind. Don’t expect to be all better. 17 months later I am feeling like I might live and maybe even thrive.

Grief is such a long journey.

6 05 2009
agplatters

You loved all of your babies from the moment you found out–even before then. So you have every right to grieve in the way you see fit. I don’t know that the pain will ever go away. It gets more manageable, for sure. I can’t say there was any particular thing I did that made the difference. Lots of little things. Having the blog to get all the thoughts out, finding other women who have gone through the same thing, protecting myself as needed from situations that brought more pain, talking to a counselor….all of those help, but it is just so gradual. Every single time, the hope returns though. It has happened to me over and over and I’ve watched it happen to so many women. We’ll never be the women we were before losing our babies. I wish there was an answer on how to cope and start feeling better. just know others understand and are sending you lots of love.

6 05 2009
Niki

Lisa, uggh I hate days like you had today. You have every right to be upset and to grieve all 3 of your pregnancy losses. I just wish things were different for you and for me. I’m probably the worst to give you advice because I’m always teetering on the edge. I guess the thing that I do is just to let myself be. I don’t get down on myself for feeling sorry for myself. I get angry and do something physical, like working out, to get rid of it. Oh and I talk, talk, talk … this seems to let me really feel it. You are already doing that, so I think you are doing great! ((HUGS))

6 05 2009
Erica

I blog. Once I get it out, whatever it is I’m feeling, I usually start to feel a little better. Our husbands want to be helpful, but I don’t know that I believe they are capable of it. If you think he’ll want to stop if he sees you struggling and you DON’T want to stop, then put on a happy face near him and blog it away. We’re listening.

Thinking of you.

6 05 2009
sprogblogger

What Erin said. I blog. I write to people who’ve been there, done it, and survived. It’s inspiring to know that someone’s survived what feels unsurvivable.

And, you’re allowed to grieve no matter how old the pregnancy was when you lost it. You’re allowed to grieve another round of lost possibilities, and you’re allowed to grieve the individual loss that this was.

I’m eagerly anticipating our test results, jsut because we might get some actual answers which will predict our chances of future success, but I’m also dreading it, because it will tell us what sex our baby was, and it’s going to make it twice as hard to think about, whether proto-sprog was a boy or a girl, that’s a whole lifetime of wishes, and I’ll have to process it all over again once I know who s/he was…

And I just started D&G this afternoon. My guilty reading pleasure, and I was so pleased when it came into the library this afternoon so I could dive into it right away!

Thinking of you.

6 05 2009
Mo

just let yourself feel it. my heart goes out to you. glad you took yourself to the gym. you’re walking through it. it will not always be like this.

Mo

6 05 2009
Ashley

I don’t know how I keep my sanity some days. I do, however,think I have two distinct personalities. I know I’ve said this before on my blog..so forgive me for repeating. But I have happy self and then I have miserable, depressed, desperate, awful, jealous bitter self. I never know who’s going to be ‘on’ on any given day. I think, on many days, i find it a success if happy self dominates over the other self. Geez, I sound like a nutcase.
I’m sorry things are so hard right now. Wishing it would get easier.

7 05 2009
caroline

I’m so sorry to hear that you have been feeling so bad. Grief is a long road, and some days are worse than others. I think that you have done an amazing job of keeping yourself going through all of this. Don’t forget to spoil yourself and know that we are here for you. I wish I could give you a big hug. x

7 05 2009
Sue

I escape. We’ve now had 3 losses too – and the last one, I said, for the first time in my life, “I want to die” (no- not suicide watch, really, but I remember the feeling that I just didn’t want to exist – it was so painful). That one really knocked me down. It was the first time I’d seen and heard a heartbeat and had little u/s pics of our baby. I really thought I was going to die of grief. But, there really isn’t much to do but plug on or give up. So, I grieved (loud and long), and escaped through books and then I did alot of yoga, went running, watched movies, and thought about what I was going to do next. I try not to think about whether or not I can live through another m/c b/c what choice do I have? So, we just plug along. You will get there. You will come out the other side – after you take the time to grieve. In my research, those of us IFers who just keep on going always end up pregnant…we just do…so that keeps me just plugging along. If not this cycle, then another cycle, maybe DE, etc. So it goes (to quote Vonne.gut). Oh, and I ordered Dea.d and Go.ne from Amazon weeks ago (b/c it was the cheapest and supposedly fastest way to get it) and I still haven’t got it! so ticked.

7 05 2009
K

You definitely need to grieve for as much time as you need. I have found reading others’ blogs just helps me get through the day, even though I often don’t feel like blogging myself. They give me hope when they have good news. They give me comfort when they share in my pain. And they make me feel like I’m not alone….even though IRL I am. And I’m making an effort to avoid toxic people IRL who make me feel alone in the first place.

I have found that I now find relief in the strangest, smallest things….like the smell of lavender. Going to the bookstore and just wandering…browsing books about topics I know nothing about. I’ve also started doing the grocery shopping and other errands in other neighborhoods. I find this mixes things up a bit for me, it makes me feel like I’m someone different (particularly on a bad day) and I don’t risk running into people I know and having to explain why I look or feel like shit, or pretend to have a happy face. I also find little fantasies to distract me. My DH would love to move to Italy (where he has lots of family) so sometimes I get online and look for homes in Italy just for fun. It reminds me there is another life to create for yourself or at least live it in a different way.

I guess my point is sometimes you have to look for that little thing, whatever it is, to help you make it through the day. And sometimes it’s right in front of you the whole time, but you’ve never thought about it in a comforting way.

Hope some of this helps. Sorry it’s such a long comment. And I wanted you to know that I have really focused on your piece of advice…trying harder to meet DH half way. I realized I couldn’t get there yet, so I’m shooting for 60/40 and I think about that a lot. And DH has noticed, and he appreciates it, and it makes me feel better.

Take care,
K.

8 05 2009
Nikki

Sweetie – I’m so sorry for the horrible day you had. And I’m even more sorry that I didn’t come by and hold your hand yesterday. I’m very sorry.

I think for me – having lost 3 pregnancies within a span of 8 months last year, blogging helped. It helped to get out and meet a local group of IF ladies, who had met at a mind / body class. I have never been to a mind body support group, but these ladies met there, and started hanging out. I met one of them through my blog and got introduced to them. They saved my sanity many a time.

Talking to people that got it really helped. I wish I could say the pain goes away, but I would be lying. It doesn’t go away. It dulls with time, but it stays on and on.

I think you’ve been amazingly brave through everything, and you’re holding yourself together really well. Take care of yourself, and be gentle to yourself.

(((Hugs)))

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