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6 06 2009

We made it home last night a little after midnight.  I imagined coming back and writing a great post about my vacation, detailing how it was going to serve as a light through the lonely darkness that I have been feeling.  I did not have cell phone service for most of the cruise and the ship did not have free wireless.  On Thursday, I got service and I called my little sister to see how her latest ultrasound went on Wednesday – there was no heartbeat.  She could tell by the ultrasound even before the tech said anything that the baby was not alive.  She said she could see the baby’s head and the outline of the little body and she just kept waiting for some movement, any movement.  It did not come.  She had a D&C yesterday and our older sister went with her.  There was tissue to test so she now is now on that seesaw of thought of what if there was nothing wrong, but what if there was?

Before I left, my little sister told me that she did not feel right about this pregnancy, that she was not getting bigger, that she felt a reduction in her symptoms.  She was really, really sick the entire time with my niece and she was not feeling that with this, her second pregnancy.  

We cried and cried on the phone together and I am so angry.   

That lonely darkness in me is growing and I am so brutally angry that my sister has to experience this, to live this, to now have a dark lonely place in her forever.   

I wish that I could have been there to hold her hand.

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13 responses

6 06 2009
Sprogblogger

Oh, I’m so very sorry. My heart just aches for your sister, and for you, unable to be there to try to comfort her. So very sorry.

6 06 2009
mekate

OH! I am so so so sorry.
She is lucky to have sisters to support her–and I agree with Sprogblogger, my heart just simply aches for her.

thinking of you, thinking of her,

Kate

6 06 2009
Maria

I’m crying for your sister. And for you. I’m so sorry this has happened to her. And I’m so sorry it’s brought extra sadness to your life.

I’m sure you’ve seen this before, but wanted to share with you so you can maybe share with your sister when she’s ready for it…

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

6 06 2009
Nikki

I’m so very sorry for your sister Lisa. Life is so darn unfair sometimes! Keeping you, your sister and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

6 06 2009
Bunny

So sorry that your sister is going through this. What a difficult return home for you. Thinking of you both.

6 06 2009
emily

Oh no…how awful. I am sorry for your sister and your family. How heart wrenching for everyone.

6 06 2009
bellaandherfella

I am so sorry. How devastating. Thinking of both you and your sister.

7 06 2009
agplatters

Oh honey, I’ve been thinking of you and hoping you were having a wonderful time on vacation. You deserve that. That is so heart breaking about your sister. I know exactly what she was going through–we found out about our 4th loss at the NT scan and I saw her little face and “where’s the h/b?” kept going through my head. Definitely pass my blog/info on if it would be helpful for her.

7 06 2009
strongblonde

arg. that sucks. i’m so sorry to hear that. thinking lots about you and your family now xoxo

7 06 2009
Trena

I so sorry for all your sister is going through and how that makes it even more hard for you. Big hugs to you both. Seeing something like that on the screen never really leaves you.

I was just a surrogate when I went through one of those routine u/s only to see a real baby with no activity.. still sometimes when i close my eyes I remember every part of that moment…

I missed you while you were gone..hope you had a good time with Mr.M

Big hugs…

8 06 2009
theworms

I’m so sorry for you and your sister. You are both in my thoughts.

(((HUGS)))

9 06 2009
Ashley

I am so so sorry. This is awful. No one should have to go through this kind of pain, pain I can only imagine.
Sending you and your sister strength and peace.

9 06 2009
Echloe

I’m so sorry to read this. I hope people are treating your sister with kindness right now. What an awful thing. Just awful.

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