La La Clomid Land

18 06 2009

Not sure if this was my first side effect from the clomid, which I took at 7:00 this morning, but at 3:00ish I was in la la land.  Like I was high (ahem, not that I would know what that feels like) but not.  I would be working diligently on some thing or another and then all of a sudden I would be on the ‘net surfing for paraovarian cysts and clomid IUI success rates.  Or I would be just sitting there thinking.  

Or this could be a side effect of hope.  Of bright, shiny, what feels fresh and new, hope.  Yes, I have it and it feels fantastic.  Part of me, the part that has been completely knocked on my ass so many times, wants the shiny hopeful part of me to go away, that I am setting myself up for horrible, horrible emotional agony.  But you know what, I ALREADY KNOW WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE.  Could it be worse – it could always be worse.  BUT, I am so sick of feeling hopeless and lost and alone and tired.  So, I am going to hold hands with that shiny hopeful part of me and I am going to go with it.  

I told Mr. M that I was going to start to try for a more intense mind/body connection, visualizing me being pregnant, of me staying pregnant and of me delivering a live, beautiful baby.  Our baby.  Who will then grow into a toddler, a child, a teenager, an adult and we will have a beautiful life with our child.  I am going to picture that, I am going to imagine that, I am going to fall asleep thinking of that, I am going to dream of that.  And you know what, I am going to tell that scared, alone, hurt, lost and crushed part of me that it will be okay, that I will take care of me, of us no matter what.  I will be okay. no. matter. what.  

Even if I lose another pregnancy and being okay is sometimes just getting out of bed, which it has been for many, many days over the last 14 months.  Even if okay is not getting out of bed.  Even if okay is crying and crying and crying.  Even if okay is not answering my phone.  I.will.be.okay. so it is okay for me to hope for this, to hope for our child, to visualize our child inside of me, being born and being the light of my life forever.

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9 responses

18 06 2009
kate

Oh my god, I have such a deep feeling of YES as I read and reread this
and chills
and oh–
I would like to borrow this, I promise to use it well.

“I am going to tell that scared, alone, hurt, lost and crushed part of me that it will be okay, that I will take care of me, of us no matter what. I will be okay. no. matter. what.”

Thank you for this amazing post. You made me remember.

warmly,
Kate

18 06 2009
sprogblogger

Thank you for writing this. Thinking of you.

19 06 2009
Caroline

Hold on to that hope, even when it seems to fade. It is what keeps us going on this difficulty journey. Hugs x

19 06 2009
Nic

Came over from I can’t whistle (Kate). What a great post. Do not ever give up that hope. It is what keeps us going, keeps us believing. I really hope you get your dream soon
take care
nic

19 06 2009
strongblonde

just catching up. so glad that you have hope. i totally agree with the ladies above!!! xx

19 06 2009
Nikki

What a well written post! Thanks for the reminder that we all need to visualize and to hope, and no matter what, at the end of the day, we will be ok. We don’t know what that “okay” will define or mean, but whatever it be, we will survive.

And on the side effect of clomid – ummm….. perhaps it is the side effect of IF. I’ve been like that for years now. Being productive one moment, and then feverishly surfing blogs and google the next moment. And I haven’t had clomid in years! 🙂

Hugs to you!!

19 06 2009
T

Thinking of you, you are fearless friend.

19 06 2009
Echloe

Your sense of hope is wonderful. I hope the clomid does the trick for you

20 06 2009
Maria

Enjoy your Clomid high 🙂

And we are all holding your hand and HOPING right along with you sweetie!!!

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