Pink and Red

13 07 2009

I took an hpt tonight at 9:30 and the line was super dark.  However, tonight, at 10:20 I wiped and there was pink and red spotting on the toilet paper.  I have no idea how much since I had just put the suppository in.  But it was there after I wiped a few more times but more pink.  I am also having lower back cramping.  Fuck.

Okay, it is 10:38 and I had some more bleeding, this time red.  

Please, I do not want to hear about it possibly still working out and spotting is normal and all of that – I have been through this too many times before.  I am so incredibly angry and dark and fucking pissed right now.  How many embryos can my uterus fucking destroy??????  How can I keep doing this to myself.  Mr. M is away on business and I miss him so badly right now.   How can I keep fucking doing this?  I told two other women at work today, because I was so sure this was going to be the one.  I hate that I am probably going to have to untell them.  I am laying here and my back is cramping and I am probably miscarrying right now and there is not a fucking thing I or anyone else can fucking do about it.  There is obviously something wrong with ME.  It is not male factor, we do not have a fucking sperm issue, it is my, it is my fucked up worthless uterus.  All the tests show nothing, absolutely nothing wrong with me.  How can they not find anything????

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9 responses

13 07 2009
Eileen

oh no! I am sending every possible good vibe your way for a healthy pregnancy. You are definitely in my prayers!

14 07 2009
Mrs.spit

I’m sorry. Really sorry. Sending hugs and comfort.

14 07 2009
Niki

This just fucking sucks Lisa! I am so, so sorry that you are going through the trauma of the bleeding and doing it alone. I wish I could be there to hug you and cry with you! I wish I could say something encouraging, but I know you don’t want that. So, I will quietly hope for you. I am thinking of you and am here anytime you want to talk!

14 07 2009
mylifechronicles

This just absolutely sucks! I am sending positive thoughts your way. Thinking of you. ((HUGS))

14 07 2009
Hil

I’m so sorry. I was comparing my hpts to yours a few days ago. But mine weren’t getting darker so I figured. And today my period started. Second miscarrage this year.
I’m so sorry for you again.

14 07 2009
Caroline

Lisa, I am so so sorry to read this post. My heart breaks with you. It is not fair what you are going through, and I wish you didn’t have to deal with this. Please know that we are here for you anytime. This sucks.
Sending you a huge big hug.
x

14 07 2009
Nikki

I’m so sorry Lisa! This is really unfair! Thinking of you, and still trying to keep some hope alive for you. (((HUGS)))

14 07 2009
Leah

I’m so sorry. Not because I think this one is over, but because of how you are feeling. I know this feeling so freaking well, and it sucks (in fact I just posted about how much it sucks). There’s really nothing useful to say except that I’m just so sorry.

14 07 2009
Sarah

DAMN!

I’m curious why you blame your uterus? Do you have anomolies? Most times its chromosomal. Maybe you need to have a follow up on that Karyotype test that had an inconclusive result?

ARAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

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