One Sleep Until Ultrasound; Poll

21 07 2009

It feels so good to be home.  One sleep until the ultrasound – it is at 10:00 tomorrow morning.  I will be 4w5d and I hope to just see a sac.  Let me preface this post by saying I welcome every pregnancy symptom I am having.  

I am very tired but I am afraid to go to sleep anytime soon – it is only 8:00 and I have been waking up with nausea (yay!) every night in the middle of the night around 3ish to 4ish.  And then I am wide awake.  And then exhausted for the day.

More than The Exhaustion is THE FEAR.  I am so pissed.  Recurrent miscarriage has ruined my joy and hope.  I have let it ruin my joy and hope.  I wanted to get pregnant and live everyday in a state of bliss.  Don’t get me wrong, I have some amazing “whoa” moments.  It hits me – I am pregnant – and I tear up and feel such joy.  But most of the time THE FEAR is present.  Fear that the twitches, pulls and slight cramping I am having RIGHT NOW is an embryo detaching from my uterus.  Fear that I am going to go to the ultrasound tomorrow and see nothing – no sac, no nothing.  Fear that we will see a sac but it won’t matter because it is dying inside of me right now.  Just fear.   

So.  I wish I could be more of a ball of sunshine and light – I feel like a bitch – I am finally where I have wanted to be and I cannot fully enjoy it.  I am too busy being scared I will lose this pregnancy.  What I want to be doing is enjoying every single second I have with this life.  Loving it.  Sending joy.  I do make sure I do that at least a few times during the day – try to connect and reach out and love.

Okay – so starting with joy – I am going to post a poll – how many beautiful, healthy sacs do you think we will see tomorrow?  As a reminder, I had six follicles from clomid on CD 15, I surged on CD 19 and had my IUI on CD 20.  My hcg on 11dpiui was 52 and 13dpiui it was 216.

 

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16 responses

21 07 2009
sprogblogger

You are not a bitch. You are perfectly normal. Everything about this is terrifying, and those of us who know too much? Terrifying times a gazillion. It’d be sort of strange if you were a ball of sunshine and light, sweetie.

Meditation is good. Walking is also good.

I’m on Team One-Perfect-Healthy-Sac, and I’ll be checking in (though I might not be able to comment til the evening) all day long.

Thinking of you. Wishing you joy and peace and a great big dose of the contentment that is so hard for so many of us to find.

21 07 2009
Melissa G

I’m sorry you’re feeling so fearful. I think it is completely reasonable to be apprehensive. But I wish you weren’t. I wish there was something I could say to put your mind at ease. But I know that may not happen for a while. I hope that seeing the u/s tomorrow shows you enough to keep your heart full until the next u/s when you see a heartbeat(s).

Until then I think the walks and meditation will be good outlets to quite your fears.

Take good care.

21 07 2009
kirke

I like your new blog look 🙂 Very sharp!

I totally get the fear. I hate fear. I’m so glad you get your u/s tomorrow. One more milestone, and one more opportunity for reassurance.

I will be thinking of you tomorrow!!

22 07 2009
Demara

I had an ultrasound before there was nothing there:( I’ve had a lapo and they said everything was normal. weird! and now we can’t get preggo?

22 07 2009
Nikki

Thinking of you and hoping your u/s tomorrow goes fantastic! And I voted on your poll!

I think the saddest part about IF (specially for us that have lost pregnancies) is the loss of innocence. The loss of the ability to revel in the marvel of pregnancy without that horrible fear hanging over our heads the whole time.

((HUGS)) to you – sending you many good wishes.

22 07 2009
Traci

Hey you! Don’t call my bloggidy friend a “bitch”. Thems fightin’ words ’round these parts. Seriously though, you have every right to much trepidation and worry. Wishing you all the best for good news and a much deserved deep breath tomorrow.

22 07 2009
Sue

Totally normal! I am still beating myself up over not feeling 100% blissful. I was a cranky bitch for the first month or two b/c I wouldn’t even let myself think “I am pregnant” instead I literally just acted like I was sick and taking care of myself. I wouldn’t let anyone even joke about buying anything for the baby…never even thought about the baby. I am getting better…am hoping to hit blissful by sometime in August. Also – just as a side note – if you do end up with miserable m/s, you will feel so much better because you will “feel” pregnant BUT you will not be blissful, lol. I have days curled up in our chair and a half, crying after repeatedly vomiting, lol….and I”m thankful for it! but miserable:-) So, don’t beat yourself up over it – you will have 9 months to become blissful and get that glow! For those of us with repeated losses, it just takes longer to get there…that is intelligence…the blissful (this early) are wonderfully ignorant.

22 07 2009
mekate

Thinking of you
and sending PERFECT ULTRASOUND VIBES your way
perfect perfect perfect

xo
Kate

22 07 2009
Maria

This is only the beginning of your life of worries. LOL. I worried my entire pregnancy. And now that EJ is here I have a whole new set of worries. But I PROMISE you it’s all worth it 🙂

22 07 2009
K

So your u/s must be complete by now…hoping you will update us soon. Our past experiences jade us, so it’s totally normal to feel the way you do. Then add hope and fear on top of it and you’ve got yourself a train wreck to go with the hormonal crap. One day at a time, my friend. Just one day at a time.

22 07 2009
MabelB

Wishing you so much luck today. Everything you are feeling is really normal. Hopefully you’ll feel the sheer joy and joy alone after the u/s.

22 07 2009
mekate

I’m pretty sure I am going to wear out my refresh button
and
gosh I am feeling like a stalker– the good kind, I swear.
thinking of you,
Kate

22 07 2009
peeveme

I can relate to feeling ripped off from being able to just be happy. I can also relate to worrying about the future for your child.

Please update as soon as you can after the u/s.

22 07 2009
T

Thinking of you.. hoping your u/s went great.

I am sorry you have to have the fears you have..hoping as each week passes in this pregnancy so do your fears.

T

22 07 2009
sprogblogger

Stalk stalk stalk.

Thinking of you.

22 07 2009
PJ

Totally stalking you too!

I hope blood thinners are not in your future, as I hope this pregnancy is the one that sticks for the long haul.

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