Basketcase

4 08 2009

That’s me.  I am a total and complete mess today.  Warning – a lot of misery and craziness ahead in this post.  And I did it to myself.  I have been anxious about the heartbeats since the ultrasound.  I would have been happy to see over 100, but of course since they were 98 and 95 at 6 weeks, I am convinced that they are not going to make it.  Strike that – I am convinced today that they are already dead.  What is wrong with me?  I feel completely and totally powerless over these horrible feelings.

I woke up this morning – I usually feel okay when I first wake up – and drank a vitamin water.  I was also in a horrible, nasty mood for no good reason.  I googled heart rates -for the millionth time and most sites say that 90-100 is totally normal and good at 6 weeks – I did find another site that said that was borderline.  I also read about a woman who had a heart rate in the 120s at that time who continued to miscarry.  So, I started to freak out inside.  Convinced that my tatas do not hurt as much, convinced that they already died and even if they did not, their little hearts will never catch up to where they need to be.  I started to feel very nauseous after I drank my vitamin water and I ended up throwing it up when I brushed my teeth.  Sounds good right – but – I think that me being upset could compound the nausea and it really is not all morning sickness.  

So, I went to work.  And had a very, very hard time working.  And I felt completely and totally exhausted – I woke up about 1oo times last night.  And not as nauseous as I felt yesterday during the day – or so I am telling myself.  I had to leave work – I could not sanely continue there – I needed to come and post and get all of this out.  I then proceeded to cry on the way home.  

So, most of the time I ask you not to try and blow sunshine up my ass.  Now, I am asking for sunshine.  Lots of it please.  Tell me how some people do not pick up a rate at 6wks and that finding ours, together with our kick ass betas, will result in two beautiful happy babies.  

I really, really need to find ways to make it through this.  This is hard.  Really hard.  I want that naive bliss back from my first pregnancy and I am so resentful that has been taken away from me – I am mad at the universe and mad at myself for allowing myself to turn into this.

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27 responses

4 08 2009
The Nanny

All is well. Those heartbeats were just fine for 6 weeks! The fact that you even did pick up on the heartbeats that early is a good thing! You will be fine, they will be fine. Big hugs to you!

4 08 2009
Leah

You don’t sound the least bit crazy to me. You sound EXACTLY like I did for my pregnancies. I swear that I shaved many years off my life span freaking and fretting and worrying like I did. But I couldn’t help myself. I tried, trust me, but I just couldn’t help myself.

Luckily, I had an OB who knew I was a raving loon and loved me in spite of it. I could request and receive a sonogram whenever I wanted. All I had to do was call up and say, “I am convinced something is wrong. [insert pregnancy symptom here] isn’t as strong today” and I could go in. Which I did. A lot.

Thank God for that or I would have spent the majority of the 9 months sitting in a dark corner, rocking and crying and wringing my hands and burning up my keyboard googling my imagined disaster scenarios for hours on end.

Those heartbeats are perfectly normal. Seriously. That’s not ass-flavored sunshine. And your boobs will hurt more tomorrow. Or maybe even tonight. You’ll puke more on Thursday, and then not again until Sunday. Obviously, I’m making all of that up, but the truth is that for your entire pregnancy — especially in these early stages — nothing is consistent. Every single minute I felt anything that resembled “good,” I was so worried and convinced that the whole thing had crashed and burned, that I wished it away. Then I would feel like dung again and think, “What the hell? Why didn’t I enjoy that 1 day reprieve from the puking?” But again, I just couldn’t.

There is nothing I can say that will keep you from worrying. I can only tell you that it is normal to worry and that you need to find a way to distract yourself when it gets out of control. I found that the only thing that really did the trick for me was to go to the movies. I could lose myself in a movie for 2 hours and actually forget about all of my spazzing. Of course it had to be in a public theater (otherwise I’d sit home poking my boobs and analyzing my waistline), which got to be a fairly expensive diversionary tactic, but I didn’t care. Find something that works for you.

xo

4 08 2009
Katie

All I’ve read it sounds like you shouldn’t be worried, at all. You saw both h/b at 6 weeks 0 days- many people don’t even see them that early and still end up with a healthy baby. Besides- you sound like you are having major emotional mood swings, so I say you are still definitely expecting your little ones!

4 08 2009
sprogblogger

A heartbeat that early – hell, two heartbeats that early – means those babies are way strong. 95 & 98 are VERY RESPECTABLE numbers. Seriously. If you’d gotten in a day later they’d’ve been higher, just as they’re higher today than they were yesterday. Seriously, you’ve got two little fighters in there, and I truly-with-all-my-heart believe that you are going to be the momma of twins in about 8 months.

And all that said, I know. Believe me I know how much this all sucks, and how much of the joy has been drained away by worry. (Make that WORRY!!!!) and I know there’s not much any of us can say to make the worry go away.

What I’ve been doing – listening to meditation tapes. Going for long walks. Daydreaming – deliberately daydreaming – all my happy ideals of what having a baby will be like. Buying baby books. Picking out names. Playing with the dog. Teasing the boy.
Distraction, distraction, distraction.

I’m thinking of you. I know exactly how you feel. Hang in there.

4 08 2009
iamstacey

Those were great heartbeat rates! Now stay away from Google. Every scan and dr appointment will help. Deep breaths! Sending good vibes your way. Thinking of you. {{hugs}}

4 08 2009
Rebecca

I didn’t get to hear a heartbeat until 10 weeks b/c couldn’t find it at 6 weeks and didn’t go back until 10 weeks. Perfect baby resulted, though, so rest assured that even an invisible heartbeat can bode well in the end. I think part of what we do is imagine the worst case scenario, the absolute worst, most awful thing that could happen b/c if we can wrap our mind around it (even just “go there” mentally), then anything even slightly not as bad will be manageable. Hope that makes sense. It helped me to realize that my mind might be playing tricks on me that way.

4 08 2009
Mo

Oh sweetie, I hear ya, I feel ya. See my post today if you want to witness true pregnancy insanity. Of course you’re worried. One of the legacies of the hands we’ve been dealt. But you’ve got two – TWO – little ones who are growing enthusiastically. That’s why you’ve been so sick! And it’s part of why you’re feeling so hormonal and freaked out. I second sprogblogger. Those are FINE heartbeats at that stage. MORE than fine. Awesome. And if you were like Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes (oh how i envy them about now!) and had an u/s machine in your house, you’d be able to see that. as it is, you’re left to go crazy a bit, like the rest of us. Thinking of you.

Mo

4 08 2009
K

I pretty much second everyon else’s response. You’re totally normal. The HR are perfect. And, in fact, I just read the other day about one that was 85 initially and born totally normal. So….time to focus on something else for awhile?? How about names…. 😉

4 08 2009
Kate

You’re normal (and so are your babies’ heartbeats)! I’m so glad that I went on vacation and didn’t get my scan till 7 weeks. That way I couldn’t catch things just as they were starting up and worry that the HR was too low. If it helps, the RE said that 100-130 was what they look to see at the 6wks5d I was measuring at the time of my scan. So 95-98 is damn good for 6wks.
Just hold on there. The symptoms will come and go. I haven’t had many at all, so it’s been really hard to keep the faith. Just count the days till your next ultrasound, pray/meditate/relax however you can. And try to distract yourself!

4 08 2009
Melissa G

You GOT pregnant. You will STAY pregnant. You will HAVE healthy babies.

Everything is going to be okay!!!I I totally don’t blame you for feeling skeptical, but you have to do your best to stay away from google. We use it to put our minds at ease, but for some reason it only makes things worse. Next time you need reasurrance come back here, and read this sentence – OUT LOUD until you believe it again:

I GOT pregnant. I will STAY pregnant. I will HAVE healthy babies.

4 08 2009
clio

just sending you reassuring and calming energies to help you navigate this tempest of emotions. Like so many others have said, trust that your babies are strong and doing beautifully in their mamma’s womb. I also believe in the power of distraction. 😉
hugs

4 08 2009
Melissa G

Oh I forgot to add (((HUGS)))!!!!!

4 08 2009
irishstu7975

You and those babies are strong, strong fighters. Everything is just fine. Sending lots and lots of sunshine your way!!!

4 08 2009
kirke

I’m so sorry you are feeling this way, but it is completely natural. I didn’t even find out what the heartbeat was until I was at around 14 weeks. Sometimes the more information we have is reassuring and sometimes it just seems to freak us out. For example, I wish I didn’t know how to google….that brings me more pain than comfort most times.

I hope that you feel better soon…I have complete faith in your fighters and I know they are going to be great.

4 08 2009
Kate

My heart broke reading this because I know how afraid you are and I hate that you have to feel that way. My heartbeat in pregnancy two at your stage was 104 and I was told it can be this rate and even lower because on week 6 the heart is just beginning to beat so it gets stronger as time goes on. My losses were unrelated to heartbeats but due to a clotting disorder so I hope that what I’m saying is of some comfort to you. Thinking of you during this difficult time.

4 08 2009
echloe

Sweetie. Get away from google now. It doesn’t matter what the internet says. It doesn’t matter what the books say, or even doctors. Low heartrates sometimes make healthy babies. Strong heartbeats often die. I know it is hard not to stress but it isn’t good for you or the babies. Go do something nice for yourself that takes your mind off of this stuff. XOXO

4 08 2009
Ashley

I don’t have direct experience with this, so I can’t shed any new light, except that I trust all these other commenters who know what they are saying! BUT, I do have experience with the fear and dread of IF in general, and that all you can do sometimes is go one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time. And this very minute you are super preggers with TWINS!!! And it’s amazing! And they are growing and developing right this very second and you will meet them so very soon! Big hugs.

4 08 2009
T

Hey there..

with my surro baby at 6 weeks he was 108 and by 8 weeks he was 140’s.. they will be fine hun.. completely fine.

Have you thought about renting a fetal doppler.. I did with my surro baby.. from tummy tickles and it may help.. although its hard to get the h/r on there prior to 9 weeks or so..

Big hugs and you and your litle sprouts are in my thoughts.. 🙂

5 08 2009
mtnhighmama

Step away from Google.

Seriously, up until now it has been your job to be well versed in every single teeny tiny itsy little thing. But now you need to forget all of that stuff and just BE. Let those little ones grow without worrying yourself to pieces. The worrying won’t get you anywhere. It won’t make them grow, it won’t stop them from growing…it won’t affect them at all but it will make YOU miserable.

The truth is, there are so many potential things that you can worry about and you are wasting all that potential worry in the first 6 weeks! Save some of it up. LOL

deep breaths. YOU’RE PREGNANT! WOOHOOOOOO!

(their heartbeats are normal. Isn’t it great to be able to say ‘their’?)

5 08 2009
MabelB

Oh poor you, this bit in pregnancy is just the worst. I echo EChloe – you know Google is bad, it will always find some report somewhere that tells you bad things no matter how unlikely they are. I don’t know what normal h/bs are so can’t help you there but in the UK when they scan before 12 weeks they won’t usually even say what the h/b is, they just say “it’s there, it’s regular, that’s great”! I was having weekly early scans and didn’t even see a h/b with mine until nearly 7 weeks and he seems to be doing just fine at 26 wks now.
The throwing up is due to your babies (does being stressed really usually make you throw up water?), the mood swings and tiredness and feeling overwhelmed are due to your haywire, busy, baby making hormones.
Hang in there. I really think it’s all OK. Remember being as calm and positive as you can be is good for your little babies and they are here for the long haul!

5 08 2009
strongblonde

oh girl, if your doc was worried you would know. this is when google may do more harm than good, you know? people can post whatever they want. i could probably find something for you that says that unless your heartrates are in the 30s at this time, it is bad news 🙂

hang in there. xoxo

5 08 2009
strongblonde

also: i find it funny that 90% of the time i get the little red monster 🙂

5 08 2009
mo

try prayer…….it works

5 08 2009
Melissa G

Hey there!

I hope you are feeling a little better. I’ve been thinking about you.

Also, I gave you the One Lovely Blog Award! Stop by my blog to claim your trophy!

5 08 2009
Traci

Those babies are doing great. You are doing an excellent job. The numbers you saw were well within the range of healthy and there’s no need to share with them anything but happy endorphins. Right? You’ll see at the next appointment. Be happy, don’t stress yourself or kiddies. Find a piece of music that makes you happy. When the storm clouds rise over your head, play it, sing it, whistle it. Bring yourself back into the sunshine. We’re all here in the beautiful summer sunshine cheering you on. 🙂

5 08 2009
Sarah

This is one of those times when more data equals more crazy. Stop stop stop the googling. No matter what you read, no matter how much you worry, it’s going to be what it’s going to be. Your worrying won’t hurt them or save them. I know,that is not sugar coated sweetie pie stuff, but I think the magical thinking gets revved up by our belief that it is actully protecting us. You are strong, your babies, from all reprorts are strong.
Sunshinelollipopandrainbows!

5 08 2009
Maria

Keep your hope up for your little Sprouts!!!! Think nothing but goods thoughts and we’re all thinking them with you!!!

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