Twisted Relief

9 08 2009

I have been feeling pretty sick on and off.  Some vomiting but mostly just nausea.  I am also very tired.  The sheer terror that the Sprouts are dead inside of me has subsided.  I have moved into more of a weird acceptance mode.  That what will be will be and unfortunately, there is not much I can do about it except seek to preserve my sanity during these times.

I am still having a hard time being excited.  I am having a hard time attaching.  I really think it is my psyche’s way of protecting itself – I have been crushed too many times before.  But – it makes me sad and mad – I want to be excited, I want to be attached.  Don’t get me wrong – I have moments of it.  Moments of sheer joy and exhiliration.  Mr. M – who I had to talk into this journey – is actually starting to get really, really excited and that is so cool and is rubbing off on me – just a bit.  But I remain guarded.

This brings me to my twisted relief.  I am relieved because this is it.  This is going to result in our children or I am done.  And I know that in my heart.  I cannot do this again.  I cannot go through more cycles.  I cannot go through the roller coaster any more.   So, in a way, I feel relieved.  This is it.  So, the Sprouts better stick around and make all of my dreams come true.




13 responses

9 08 2009
Melissa G

I think self preservation is completely normal. Your not being super excited is, unfortunately, pretty common. I have a pg friend who referred to it as “an infertility hangover”… Seems to describe exactly what you are going through. I’m so sorry. I wish you cold be more excited too.

Although it is completely normal, try to do your best to run to Mr.M when you are feeling particularly low. Borrow as much of his enthusiasm as you can.

Hang in there. Big Hugs!!!!

9 08 2009

I feel the exact same way, especially your last paragraph. I read it out loud to my husband so he could “get” that too. So thanks for putting what I am feeling into words.

9 08 2009

I bet you’ll start getting more excited when you and babies are out of the danger zone. It is hard to get attached before that, especially if you’ve had a history of previous losses.
I’m trying to be calm and stay in what-will-be mode, praying hard that all will be ok. So no home fetal doppler for me. I’ll just try to distract myself and believe that God has a greater plan. Hopefully that involves this baby making us a family of 3. It’s tough to just have faith though!

9 08 2009
Mrs. Spit

I think it can be helpful to remember that today you are pregnant, today things are going well, and tomorrow can worry about its self. Its Matthew, where Jesus tells us not to worry about tomorrow, tomorrow can take care of its self.

It’s a hard thing to do. But, you are stronger and more resilient than you ever realize.

9 08 2009

I completely and totally hear you on this as far as being DONE. It is strange feeling isn’t it…but then again, not entirely bad.
However, I have utmost confidence that this really is it for you in other, much better ways–IT because you will have your babies!!!

9 08 2009

It sounds as though things are going well with the pregnancy – it will take some time to learn to enjoy the pregnancy after all you have been through. Hugs x

9 08 2009

sounds very healthy to me. This acceptance mode that so many things are out of our hands does bring a twisted comfort with it.

9 08 2009

I’m all for any kind of comfort twisted or not! I like the acceptance phase and I hope that you are able to stay there. I know exactly what you mean about being tired of the roller coaster and hoping with all you’ve got that this will put an end to that. I’m right there with you! I look forward to more updates on the sprouts!

9 08 2009

One day at a time. May you find comfort in whatever way is right for you *hugs*

10 08 2009

i so understand what you’re going through. i still manage to convince myself that things are not going well….even when i can feel them. i think that it stems from all of the difficulty *getting* pregnant, you know! but i agree it is a self-preservation mechanism.

i’m glad that hubs can be excited. that will help you become excited, too. 🙂 i know that *I* am excited for you guys! 🙂

10 08 2009

i got my same red monster. did you assign them?? this cannot be random! it would be statistically significant!!!!

10 08 2009

I am thinking of you
and totally get and honor the caution and the
again feeling

BUT that being said, I am excited for you and your darlin’, and just hope hope hope that this simply works, and you have two healthy full term babies at the end of this road.


10 08 2009

I think it’s good and wise to protect your heart. Each successful day that goes by will allow you to feel better and better. It’s great to know MrM is getting excited. I wish you both more great news in the days and weeks to come.

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