8w5d; Blog Cleansing; More Insanity; First OB Appointment

19 08 2009

Okay – so I think I solved what I needed to solve in my blog – I took out information that I do not want to be “public” knowledge.  For those of you that have any identifying info  – my first name, a category, etc. – can I be obnoxious and as you to remove it?   So I am going to keep this and see how it goes.

My first OB appt was anti-climactic.  No U/S – which is sort of fine – I just had one on Friday.  I have my first trimester screening on September 8, when I will be 11w4d and my next OB appt is in 4 WEEKS.   So, no more weekly or whenever I want ultrasounds – bummer, because I am a freaking basketcase.  Again.  Although it did feel better to go back and read about how there were some days I did not feel anything and low and behold everything was fine.  Please let that be the case.  Please let me stop googling missed miscarriages.

I took my morning 4 mg of zofran but did not take my dose 6 hours later – and I feel fine.  No nausea.  Nothing.  Also, squeezing the girls and thinking but I may just be crazy – that they are less sore.  But what really scares me is the complete lack of nausea.  I had a terrible bought of dizziness on Monday and just did not feel “right”.  But I was still feeling sick and pregnant.  I do not feel sick and pregnant today.  

I feel an utter lack of control of my emotions.  I dislike who I have become.   I am scared that they are dead.  Or that they are going to die.  And that I will not know it until my next ultrasound.  

But the point is – THERE IS NOT A FUCKING THING I CAN DO ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW.  I have absolutely no control over that – all I can do is try to take care of myself, mentally and emotionally.  And it is hard.  It is so hard.  I really just want to be okay inside but more than that, I want the Sprouts to be okay.

*updated* I am made myself feel better by googling the fact that morning sickness comes and goes for many, many women and it means nothing at this point.  I also reminded myself that missed miscarriages are rare and that if things were going poorly, I would definitively know it.  For the most part.  Finally, I am going to lay off the zofran for more than just needing reassurance – it has been messing with my head to take it and it is just not worth it unless I continue to throw up.   I also reminded myself that my m/s has come and gone and the Sprouts have been fine.  Just fine.   And final vent – a good girlfriend at work – who is pregnant seems to get it at times but today told me I needed to “chill out”.  That really pissed me off.

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8 responses

19 08 2009
Kate

aw honey, I’m so so sorry. Each time I read your posts of frustration they make my own soul squirm because I *know* how awful that fear is. Can your OB do an u/s again in a week or so? Maybe come up with a good excuse.

Regarding protecting your anonymity/privacy, you have wordpress so you could switch to password protected posts for stuff thats super confidential that only established readers (ahem! ;)) get access to.

You’re in my thoughts. I know each day feels like forever and the weeks stretch on into eternity it feels like, but you will get to the other side. It will come. *hugs*

19 08 2009
strongblonde

yuck 😦 i hate that you feel compromised again, too…. that totally sucks. but i agree with kate above, you could go password protected 🙂

i’m suprised the OB didn’t do an US. That’s all they do for me. No dopplers. No fundal height. Nothing. Just US. hmmmm….

sending you good thoughts. xoxo

20 08 2009
clio

I agree you should take the Zofran now only when you desperately need it. It might have done its work already. Maybe you had an imbalance in your digestive chemistry that it helped out with and you’ll be fine from now on.

“THERE IS NOT A FUCKING THING I CAN DO ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW. I have absolutely no control over that ”
Although it does look like you are angry at saying that, I find it healthy. Because it is the truth. and there are so many things in life that are out of our hands. We can just take care of ourselves and pray for the best. I’ve been reminding myself constantly of that during this cycle. When I start to freak out, I just say “what will be, will be”. It’s madenning, I know. But true. So I better accept it.

20 08 2009
trena

Hey..

I have been away transferring and have missed your blog… thinking of ya…

T

20 08 2009
MabelB

Sorry you are having a nasty attack of The Fear. I wonder if the Zofran has a cumulative effect over time which is partly why you haven’t been feeling so sick even when you miss a dose? M/S and symptoms totally fluctuate all the time, I had days of nothing and then total “urgh”-ness out of nowhere. I know you know this but it doesn’t make it better, so I just wish for peace for you when The Fear is at it’s worst. Not too long to go till it’ll be easier to relax. Take care.

20 08 2009
Kate

The lack of control is bloody awful, isn’t it? I’m with you on that one! Hopefully the next 3 weeks will fly by, and you’ll have your NT ultrasound before you know it. It would be awfully nice if someone could give you a scan next week just for reassurance though. 2 weeks is just bearable between scans, 3-4 is getting to be a little long, at least till later on in the pregnancy.

20 08 2009
Leah

You already know that I’m a raving lunatic while pregnant, so it’s perpetually safe to say that I would never judge you or think you are being neurotic! On a related note, you also already know what I’d say to the “I’m not as sick and my girls don’t hurt as much” feeling — just wait until tomorrow or the next day. 🙂

3 09 2009
Bill Bartmann

Excellent site, keep up the good work

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