Flipping Myself; Forced U/S (Pregnancy Discussed)

21 08 2009

I basically forced my OB to let me have an u/s yesterday.  (Oh yeah – Leah –  I was sick last night and my bbs were killing me – those of you who acknowledged and supported me through my neurotic fears – thank you – only so few people understand) They were being somewhat jerky about it – but they did it.  And the Sprouts looked fabulous.  I actually saw one of the little one’s eye, hands and feet.  It was breathtaking.  This was my first abdominal u/s and the pictures were not very good so I am not going to post them.  The u/s place was wonderful and the tech was amazing.  She knew I was there because I was scared – she did a quick scan and said two babies, two heartbeats.  I started to cry a bit – and she was like get it all out so your stomach stops shaking – very sweetly and funny though.  We were then chitchatting and I said, I really need to try and enjoy this pregnancy a little bit more rather than being terrified all of the time.  She said “The only women who enjoy their pregnancy are dumb.”  I was like, “what???!!!”  She was like, yea, those women who do not know anything can enjoy it, those of us who know too much, it is really scary.  She had three kids and she said she gave herself an ultrasound every single day.  I really liked her.

So, I am 9 weeks pregnant today, things look great, and I am going to try and flip myself around 180 degrees.  I feel like I did when we were trying and failing – for the most part, I am consumed with terror – I am not living – I am surviving – going to work, home, doing nothing, thinking nothing but sad and scary things.  I need to go back and meet my husband half way.  I need to enjoy my life – and bring the Sprouts with me into that enjoyment.

I could not sleep the other night, I was really stressing about my ob.  I started going to her 5 years ago and I loved her.  She seemed very different this time.   Time for bullets:

  • She was in a big hurry.
  • After I told her about being scared quite a bit and my history, she was like, we won’t do any extra ultrasounds.
  • During our talk, I stayed in my gown on the table, rather than sitting down and talking in her office.
  • She was hesitant to get a high risk doctor on the team.
  • I hate to say this – but her nurse was not all there – she asked for the date of my last period – I told her but that I did not ovulate until July 3 – when my IUI was, so I was only 8w5d when I saw them.  She stopped for a minute and was like, I am just going to use the date of your last period…I was like you can’t that will put me ahead like 6 days and I am not.  Seriously, it took five minutes to get through that.
  • I think she was trying to put me on a “normal person track” and I am not normal – I have had three albeit very early miscarriages, I am an IF patient, I have been through hell to get here and I am having twins.  Not going to work.

So I made the decision to go to the maternal fetal medicine group at the large teaching hospital in my city – I am not sure of all of the particulars but they will work with me throughout the pregnancy.  My appointment is on Wednesday with them.  I really thought – what would I tell my sister, my URL friends if they had an ob experience like that – I would tell them to move on.

My plan is to advocate for myself more – as sanely and as reasonably as possible.  I cannot change where I have been – and I have been in some scary dark twisted places – I can only change where I am going.  I really, really want that to be a nice place – inside my head and out.

Finally – a shout out to the Sprouts – I love you – I am 9 weeks today so you have been alive in me for 49 days now.  You are looking good – please stick around.

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18 responses

21 08 2009
sprogblogger

Very glad you’re going somewhere that you’ll get what you need. Also over the moon that everything looks so good with your Sprouts. Thinking of you, and hoping you can regain a bit of joy through this.

21 08 2009
kirke

I’m glad that you were able to get the u/s!! I’m also happy you are making the switch. I think it’s important to do whatever it takes to keep you sane. This way you will be able to get what you need.

So happy the sprouts looks great!! YAY!!!

21 08 2009
Sue

I’m glad you got to have an ultrasound yesterday! And, so so glad that things are going well. I know – I am still not fully enjoying myself. I think the u/s tech is right…we will be nervous throughout the entire pregnancy…but in different degrees. It seems that there is a lull after the first trimester…so it seems to be a good time to start to figure things out:-)

Definitely advocate for yourself. I had the same experience at my OB – but I only have a singleton and am kind of happy to join the ranks of the plain old pregnant…so I couldn’t complain too much…but I also begged for an extra u/s and got it…but (get this) I only get 1 more paid for by my insurance! My anatomy scan at 20 weeks and then only for “medical reasons”…? WTF? Oh well…I’m glad you are changing offices and you need to get the best care you can find!

21 08 2009
mkc101103

I wish I could have done an u/s every day. I’m totally on board with that. LOL. And good for you for switching OB’s. I’m sure you will be very happy with that decision. I’m a huge proponent of being your own advocate (nobody else will do it for you!).

21 08 2009
Kate

I am so PROUD OF YOU that you are going to do what you need to for you. She has a hundred other patients but you are you and must be your own best advocate. I’ve learned in the land of IF we have to stand up for ourselves. No one else will.

So happy to hear that you are doing well and the babies are fine.

I hate that we have the fears we do… but i guess we have to accept that. after what we’ve been through who can blame us?

21 08 2009
JJ

It’s great that you’re changing and won’t give up until you find a team that keep you happy. I totally get it – this is not a normal situation and, alas, I can tell you that the fear doesn’t go away, it just shifts to different things. So happy that you were able to see your little peanuts – 9 weeks is a huge milestone, according to my OB. You’re doing great! Big hugs from another scared twin Mummy.

21 08 2009
Erica

You are so right that you have to advocate for yourself. Why don’t more OBs understand that IF girls cannot be treated like regular old pregnant patients? I really think I’d like to write a book about pregnancy AFTER infertility. I just might do it…

In regards to your question on my blog last week – I didn’t feel the babies moving until 19 1/2 weeks. And even now, I’m not sure I feel them or just have gas bubbles. Who knows? At my u/s yesterday, they were moving around like CRAZY so I’m sure I’ll begin to feel them more as the weeks go on.

I love that you demanded an u/s. That’s terrific! And I’m thrilled that you’re 9 weeks and the babes look good.

21 08 2009
Niki

I’m absolutely with you on finding a new doctor! I’m appalled that she was so unsupportive of your situation considering your history. The fact that she “won’t” do extra monitoring is beyond unacceptable–you are pregnant with twins and that warrants extra monitoring! How the hell did she plan to monitor their growth throughout your pregnancy? With a singleton they use the belly tape measurement, but since you are pregnant with two that wouldn’t work! The only way to monitor growth and assure that they are growing equally is u/s! Uggh! Okay, I’m done now, but geesh! I’m so happy that you are going to an MFM who will take great care of you and your Sprouts!

CONGRATS on 9wks! You and the Sprouts are trucking right along! I love it because you and K switch weeks on Fridays, so it’s easy for me to keep track of how far along you are too! 🙂

21 08 2009
MabelB

Hi Lisa, I’m so glad you got the u/s and your little ones were doing so well. Good for you on pushing for it too, I bet you feel so much better for doing so. I also got told at the time that nine weeks is a big milestone to achieve so hope that helps fight The Fear a tiny bit. I agree that you should move REs to someone who gives you the care you want, pregnancy for us who have waited so long is filled with enough fear, without the added ordeal of a dr who isn’t giving you the care you need. I am envious you get to change and I think you should take full advantage, I am on the NHS in the UK and we are stuck with the drs we are given (never the same one twice….). I much prefer your health care model in the US on that point! Congratulations again.

21 08 2009
Kate

Great news! Sounds like a fun ultrasound, and a great achievement to be at 9wks with all well.
I hope you like the MFM practice a whole lot more – I bet they’ll be more into following things closely. Good for you for being assertive, getting the scan, and changing doctors.

21 08 2009
Melissa G

I think it’s great that you are looking for a new doctor, it’s crucial that you have all the support you need. There is nothing worse than a doctor who lacks compassion or at least a supportive bedside manner. I keep thinking when my time comes that I might have to shop around too.

Woo Hoo for 9 weeks!!!!

And thank you for all the support you’ve offered with my second round. I’m really grateful for it!

HUGS!!!!!

21 08 2009
mtnhighmama

You know, you have to do what makes you feel safest and most comfortable. This is NOT a normal pregnancy! This is YOUR pregnancy while fighting the infertility battle. That makes it so much more, and so special, and the only thing that matters is that you feel heard, respected, and well taken care of. PERIOD.

Can I tell you that your reactions are not crazy? And they aren’t just infertility-induced. EVERY woman that has any idea of what is going on with her body feels a lot of what you are going through. It’s part of becoming a mommy. It’s hormone induced and our bodies are designed to cause us to feel fear, to pull in, to limit potential dangers. Isn’t it amazing that our bodies work that way? You are doing exactly what you are supposed to and are already such a good mommy.

Now, the midwife in me wants to talk straight with you. Not to you the recently battled with infertility and now pregnant with TWINS mama, but to you–the woman pregnant with TWINS mama. Please feel free to disregard the unsolicited advice, or curse me, or tell me I’m too big for my britches or whatever. I could be totally overstepping bounds.

Slow down. Breathe. Go for long slow walks. You are going to wear yourself down. This pregnancy isn’t just about your body, it’s about your history, and you have to give yourself time and space to process all that stuff. Take two or three or six deep breaths every time you start to feel anxious. Then do whatever you need to do. But breathe first. And be extra nice to your husband. Pregnancies are hard on them.

I am so touched that you are sharing your story with us. Your unfailing support of my through the surrotwins pregnancy meant a lot to me, and I can’t even begin to say how thrilled I am for you. It’s brave of you to share your honesty and your vulnerability and I appreciate you.

21 08 2009
Sarah

Sprouts, listen to your mother!
Of course you need a specialist! Yeesh.

21 08 2009
mekate

sweet Lisa, holy moly YES change to a group that serves YOU– and your needs and your situation.

You other commenters said so many things I was thinking, so much more articulately than I could– just know that you are not crazy. And to be scared makes sense, it does, how can you unknow your experiences? you can’t. they are with you always.

I asked the GC today about milestones, and she said lay them out, use them to be more ok but learn to be ok with being scared. That is what pregnancy would be for anyone who has had losses. your ultrasound tech was right even if her words were harsh– unbridled joy is for the unexperienced. But I wish you joy in moments, fear that does not consume you, and a very very supportive medical team who gets it, provides affirmation and reassurance so you can manage the fear.

With love to you,
and wishes for many many wonderful moments. Happy healthy sprouts,
xo
kate

21 08 2009
Mylifechronicles

Oh my god…. Get an MFM!! After all you have been through you shouldn’t have to go through a bad OB experience. And especially when you are carrying twins, you need the special attention. You need the special care. And allow yourself this. I am glad that you were able to see your sprouts at the office. And oh yeah… Sprouts, please listen to your mom…. She really deserves this!! Take care.

21 08 2009
T

I am so happy you were able to get another sneak peak at the sprouts..

Good Luck with the next appointment, I stuck it out with my regular doc and get all jealous when i hear about people getting personalized care.. advocate for yourself and the sprouts.. 🙂

Happy 49 days.. almost out of the first tri ya!

23 08 2009
iamstacey

I’m so glad you were able to get the u/s! And that you’ve got a medical team you like. I wish it was better with your OB, though – after all you’ve been through, you deserve the best. Congrats on 9 weeks!

24 08 2009
K

Yes, you MUST be your own advocate. If you don’t, who will? Leaving you an award on my blog. Not sure if you got it already from someone else, but oh well! Take care.

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