This is Harder Than I Thought

28 09 2009

I have not been able to post about what is going on with me for a while.  Mostly I have just been scared.  Of so many things.  We worked really, really hard to get pregnant.  I am still sad and lost when I think about what the struggle has been like.  The miscarriages.  Loss of friends.  Loss of true intimacy with my husband.  Depression.  Inability to do what I normally love to do.  Weight gain.  Hair loss.  Terror.  Anxiety.  

And I am angry that I am letting all of that interfere with the beauty and amazement of being pregnant.  Of holy shit I am in my second trimester pregnant.  Of I should be swirling around, throwing glitter and singing I am pregnant.   Part of releasing myself from that cycle is acknowledging that I AM LETTING THAT HAPPEN.   IF and recurrent pregnancy loss feels like a separate being most of the time.  Like it has a mind of its own and can bend and shape how I feel.  That is just not true – I have to try and let go of these fears, these horrible, gut-wrenching fears that are keeping me from writing a journal to these babies.  Keeping me from being joyful when I talk to my sisters about their shower planning.  Keeping me from the awe and joy.  I am feeling pretty angry – some at myself, some at the universe and some at what I perceive to be the separate, living, terrifying RPL.  

And I feel even worse, thinking of my IF and RPL sisters out there reading this – if you are thinking get over it, you are pregnant with seemingly healthy, viable twins – I am with you.  I want to get over it.

My original reason for starting this blog was to help other women in similar situations – although I have received so much more – and this post is part of that.  I hope that anyone else that feels this way feels better knowing that they are not alone.

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23 responses

28 09 2009
sprogblogger

It sucks, but I do think you are allowed to be scared after what you’ve been through – no one who’s been there will think less of you for admitting that you’re terrified that this is too good to last. The more I talk to folks dealing with RPL, the more I realize that the fear is just one more result of this, it doesn’t mean anything other than that you’ve been through more than you can comprehend and that – like every other part of conceiving – it’s going to be harder for you than for some other people.

Having said that, I hope the fear eases and you can start to enjoy this a little more. You deserve the joy, even though the fear is understandable. Be well, you & your little ones.

28 09 2009
Katie

I felt like crying reading this post. I can completely relate. Despite the sucky appointment, I did get told I had a viable baby inside of me, and yet i just felt depressed. I feel angry sometimes that it has to be this hard for me. That I have to constantly worry. The waiting waiting waiting for whatever the next goal is, the having to be your own advocate because through IF and loss you become more knowledgable than our medical provideres, etc. its draining.

We have wanted this so so badly yet now that we have it, the other part of us, the IF and loss part still have their stranglehold over us. Those are big boulders though.

I just think despite being so thrilled to be pregnant, we’re just tired. I think considering what we’ve been through its okay to feel that way. I think we should not add to the full plate of emotions weighing on us, the addition of guilt for feeling how we feel.

28 09 2009
Sue

I am 100% with you on this. I think I am just starting to emerge from my little fear coccoon but I still find myself holding back. I’m shopping and getting the nursery ready but I still feel like I am emotionally holding myself back. When I feel her move and realize that she is alive and wiggling in there, I can’t believe it….and i told myself as soon as I felt movement I’d release this RPL and IF stress….and I am still struggling with it. Try not to beat yourself up over it. I think it comes with time. On the other hand, it is still a damn fine experience:-) Enjoy what you can and just let yourself be. Enjoy it when you can and try to talk yourself out of the fear when you can…but don’t feel guilty about the fear (as I am telling myself). Yay!!! for being out of the first trimester!!!!

28 09 2009
K

I think, to some degree, that it’s ok (like normal) that you’re struggling with those feelings. By some degree, I mean you have clearly earned that right to question, to be a skeptic, or to be unsure and I think it is/would be normal to feel as you do. I hope you feel a bit better after writing your post…expressing some of the feelings and allowing us to comfort you (because, you know we will at least try!). Sometimes just expressing the fears, the pain, and the anger that builds up inside us offers a small release. And remember, we are all still here. Eager to hear about your progress and eager to offer support.

28 09 2009
Leah

I completely understand what you are saying. My baby is 5 weeks old and I can honestly say that I was terrified almost to the point of not functioning when I was pregnant. The relief I felt when the doctor took her from my belly was imeasurable. I was so scared and miserable during my pregnancy that it has made me realize that I could never do it again. don’t feel bad about your fear…just do what you can to get through it. my heart goes out to you.

28 09 2009
Melissa G

” Loss of friends. Loss of true intimacy with my husband. Depression. Inability to do what I normally love to do. Weight gain. Hair loss. Terror. Anxiety. ”

Wow. I hate that we have this in common. It fucking sucks. I don’t blame you one bit for the anxieties that haunt your pregnancy. For the inability to let go of fear. We are forever changed by this process, and I don’t think you should beat yourself up over the old habits we’re harboring… Just acknowledge them and do your best to move forward.

Hugs.

And thank you for all of your thoughtful comments. i really appreciate it.

28 09 2009
The Nanny

Big hugs. Thinking of you…

28 09 2009
agplatters

I understand. And it is ok to feel that way. Everyone won’t understand, but way too many of us do. It is part of your journey and what has shaped you. Although some of the enjoyment and excitement is taken away from pregnancy, you never forget what a miracle they truly are and feel so grateful for that. Thinking of you!

29 09 2009
Traci

I am so sorry that this is so hard. I am a bit worried and want you to be able to enjoy your pregnancy and your friends and husband. I hope you can find the support you need to lift some of this fear, anxiety and depression. I understand that it can’t be gone all the time, but I hope it is at least a little better every day. We are all behind you rooting and cheering for your happy ending. Give yourself a little extra every day. You deserve it, your friends and family who support you deserve it, your husband deserves it and your twins deserve it too. Sending you as much serenity and peace and I can.

29 09 2009
Holly

Just stumbled upon your site and I’m soooo happy for you!!!

It sounds like you have been through a lot and finally getting the little babies you deserve. Pregnancy is scary as crap even when you have not experienced the bad. I imagine that being sad and scared and upset whenever the hell you want to be is totally normal and fine!

But onto the good, yay for twins!!!

29 09 2009
iamstacey

I’m so sorry that all you’ve been through is robbing you of truly enjoying your pregnancy. Write the scary, angry feelings! They’re honest, and your babies will be able to see all you went through to finally bring them here! I’m so excited for you, I hope you get to start enoying everything soon! Maybe as you get closer to your viability date that will help.

29 09 2009
Kate

Hon, I think you’re totally normal.
I’m still living in fear daily. Are these bad contractions I’m having, or are they just harmless Braxton-Hicks? I can’t stop gently feeling my belly multiple times an hour to keep track of what’s going on. I need weekly ultrasounds (if not a daily peek when I’m at work) to convince myself my cervix is holding out despite them.
Until I have a living breathing baby lying on my chest after birth, I don’t think I’ll be able to relax.
Hang in there…

29 09 2009
Sarah

Part of what happens with trauma is that any similar situation stimulates the hypervigilent response. I know I’m sort of a broken record, but I really think therapy can be a big help in dealing with this sort of thing.

29 09 2009
bellaandherfella

It is hard just to sit back and enjoy being pregnant, as there always seems to be that IF anxiety hanging around. It is starting to get better for me, so I hope it does for you too. Of course, I don’t think I’ll fully relax until I’m past 30 weeks or maybe I will never fully relax! 🙂 That’s too funny that you posted about the DaVinci Kalani crib. I was just looking at that crib at Target.com and fell in love with it! I just found that BRU actually has the collection for cheaper, so I think we may go with that one once we get the babies’ room done.

29 09 2009
PJ

Hey! Yes maam’, I would LOVE a vial of Gonal F! Please email me and I will email you my address.

That is SO generous and fantastic of you!

And… holy cow! Your ultrasound pics! Wow!!!

No, I’m not thinking that you should get over it. It’s different for everyone, and I’m sure for a lot of people being pregnant still doesn’t make the pain go away. If I do ever get pregnant and stay pregnant, I’m sure I’ll be dealing with similar feelings. Huge hugs.

That said, I sure hope that eventually

30 09 2009
lillyshephard

i completely resonate with this post. thanks for your vulnerability in writing what life is really like for you these days.

30 09 2009
MabelB

I completely relate to everything you said. Unfortunately it’s just another horrible effect of infertility isn’t it, even now I am finally pregnant, it is so hard not to think that there’s been a mistake somewhere – I can’t make babies, this baby inside me can’t really be meant for me, he’s supposed to be for a normal fertile person! I hate that the feeling interferes with the easy joy that I’m sure most pregnant women experience at each milestone.

On the flip side I do believe that we infertile ladies who finally get pregnant are able to “live” every second of it with potentially much more awareness than someone who got here easily. Every little kick and hiccup is a gift to me at my late stage and I am trying so hard to memorise these final weeks as I am so overwhelmingly grateful for them. The idea that I won’t experience these things anymore in a few weeks makes me so sad, even though all being well I’ll have a little baby by then!

Thinking of you and hoping the feeling eases as your pregnancy progresses and you are able to enjoy it more than fear it. It really does go so quickly.

30 09 2009
JJ

You probably know that I’m 100% with you on this one. I have the same emotions and my family and friends think I’m crazy to still be worrying about this pregnancy. I just don’t think we can let go of the fear after all we’ve been through and all we know about what can go wrong. I know that I know too much but that does help in some ways to prevent bad things from happening (I’m making sure I rest when I can and call if anything seems off). My fears have now shifted from whether the babies are healthy, since all tests point towards that, to whether my body can pull this off. I think I might start feeling better at 28 weeks when the chance of survival dramatically increases, but we’ll see…. Just know you’re not alone. I get it. xxxxx

1 10 2009
Elizabeth

Hi — just delurking to let you know what I’m sure you already know: you are not alone. This difficulty that is something like any post-traumatic stress is real, and you earned it, and it is just part of things. Hopefully it will fade in time and be replaced with other feelings drawn from your joy and love for your growing babies, which, of course, is also real. I had all those feelings too. They don’t make you any less happy to be pregnant or any less loving towards your children — they’re just your reality because of what you’ve been through. For me, I didn’t tell pretty much anyone I was pregnant until well into the 2nd trimester. We had told our parents right away and then my betas were low and slow to double and we thought we had lost the baby and I just didn’t want to have to “untell” anyone in case it didn’t work out. I didn’t tell work until, I don’t know, at least the 22 week mark when we knew the sex and the downs risk. Even then, it was a struggle. Just like there is no one right way to go through IF, there is no one right way to be pregnant after IF. I wish for you some days of being easy on yourself, of finding your new space, and of honoring your past and looking with open heart and eyes towards your future. Love to you,
Elizabeth

1 10 2009
ashley

I just wish I could reach right out through the internet and lift the fear from your shoulders–you SO DESERVE peace and happiness and lightness. I hope that each day gets a little bit better and before you know it, you’ll be looking into those tiny little faces and you’ll feel complete and total peace. HUGS.

2 10 2009
Maria

That is e.x.a.c.t.l.y how I felt during my whole pregnancy. You are not alone in your thoughts. I promise you that once your little ones come you will smother them with more love than you ever thought possible. You will enjoy them and your lack of enjoyment during your pregnancy will no longer matter.

2 10 2009
iamstacey

Oh-and if you still have that extra box of GF, feel free to send it this way, I’ll give it a very good home! 🙂 (I shamelessly ask)

24 10 2009
Jules

**PG & children mentioned**

I didn’t relax & enjoy my pregnancy, because after so many cycle failures, I just thought something else was going to go wrong. Now I look back & feel ripped off. I had a premature birth, distanced myself from my growing bump & couldn’t relate to all those fertile woman who went baby shopping after they saw 2 lines on that HPT. Even now I’ve crossed to the other side, I don’t feel like I belong & I can’t go back because I don’t belong there either. I feel as I’m in limbo land & have no where to go.

I think your readers will understand. Whether they have been in you shoes or if they have been following you. There will be days when those who are still trying wont read, but I bet you had those days with others yourself.

I know it’s hard, but please try & enjoy what you have. You have fought so hard for it & deserve it.

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