28 Weeks; A New Year; A New Me?

1 01 2010

28 weeks today – woo hoo!!!  I was up from about 4 am to 6:30 am (I ate way too much last night and had horrible reflux and burning) and some of the blogs motivated me to read through some of my 2009 posts…what a year it has been.

2008 was probably one of the worst years of my life – 2 IVFs, one cancelled IVF and two miscarriages.  My first baby, our precious Baby P, would have been one year this month.  It still breaks my heart to think of what we lost – the heartache, the shattering of my naivete.  I really lost myself – the person that I was – the person that I wanted to be – during that year and that loss continued into 2009.  I avoided friends, family.  I quit working out.  I stayed in my house when I could.  I did not want to go anywhere, see anybody, do anything.  I really felt like I was just plodding through my life, in bare survival mode.  

The first half of 2009 was more of the same as 2008 – one failed IVF, an IUI, another pregnancy loss, another failed IUI and switching RE’s, which led to my wildly successful clomid IUI.  One of the posts that made me laugh was when the nurse was telling me I should be concerned about multiples after seeing how many (6) follicles I had on clomid – I was like – sure, sure, 3 full IVFs produced a total of 18 eggs, which resulted in 7 embryos, which resulted in 5 being transferred and 2 not making it to blast, 2 miscarriages from the IVFs – so I was like – puh-lease, I am not going to waste my time worrying about getting pregnant with more than one when I cannot get and stay pregnant with one.  And here I am.  Wild. 

I still feel like I am trying to find my way back to myself.  And I realize that the person that I was is…gone.  How could I not be different?  How could everything not be different??  I really want to make sure that the changes are positive and that I become a better person because of what I went through – that our embryos, our hopes and dreams were not for naught.   That I am a better wife and a better mother because of what we went through to get here.

I just started sobbing – chances are very good that I am going to be a mother to two babies in 2010 – our sweet girl and our sweet boy – I still get scared to acknowledge it, to count on it – fearing that the other shoe will drop at any time.  And it rocks my world.   And it is good.  Me.  Someone is going to call me mom.  

The best part of the new year was this morning when Mr. M got really close to my belly and said “testing, testing, Daddy to feti” – yes, he thinks of them as babies and calls them by their names but he thinks that his creation of the plural of fetus is disgustingly hilarious.  I love this man.

Happy New Year everyone – and for those of you still struggling, I am with you, I support you and I want 2010 to be successful for you.

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15 responses

1 01 2010
PJ

That made me kind of teary-eyed, I can relate to it on so many levels. I look back on my blog from when I first started it, almost two years ago and I am such a different person now. All of my life I’ve been really optimistic and hopeful, and going through all of this has really changed me. I like what you said about slowly trying to find yourself again though. I think at least SOME of that person from two years ago is left inside of me. I’m certainly hopeful for the coming year.

For our last IVF we agreed to transfer three. RE specifically said, and I quote, “one thing we have learned about you is that you don’t make multiples”. Then when they made it to 5 day blasts, someone (I have no idea who) made the call to just transfer two. I was so blown away by my beta numbers and the first ultrasound. Seriously, twins? Me? Unreal.

Happy 2010 Lisa! May it bring you MUCH happiness!

1 01 2010
Kate

I think I like your DH – haven’t come across feti before, but it sounds good!
We can’t help being changed by what we’ve gone through to get here, but hopefully it all had its purpose, and these babies are what we have been destined to parent.
Only about 2 months to go for both of us. How exciting! And what a fantastic way to start off 2010.

1 01 2010
the good eggs

Your hubs sounds like a wonderful life-line to have around when you might not feel like laughing but need a good belly laugh anyway. I’ve got my fingers crossed for you!

1 01 2010
R.J.

I’m so excited for your sweet ending. Best wishes for 2010 for you and your family!!

1 01 2010
uninvoked

Awwww. I dunno if you’re religious or not, but please know that I’m praying for ya.

2 01 2010
Katie

Chances are more than good- you WILL be a mother to two babies in 2010. How amazing is that??? 🙂

2 01 2010
Caroline

Enjoy this special time – your pregnancy! Those two babies are doing really well and growing nice and strong. In 2010 you will bring home your son and daughter (as amazing as it seems). Hugs to you. x

2 01 2010
Andrea

Your DH cracks me up! I don’t think anyone could have gone through this journey and not have it change them. Infertility sucks. At the same time, though, I don’t think it necessary changes us for the worse. If fact, maybe it makes us appreciate everything we’ve been given that much more? Happy 28 weeks and year of your babies!!

2 01 2010
IF Optimist (Traci)

Happy 2010 and congratulations on making it to 28 weeks. I hope that the next couple of months go smoothly and your little ones are arrive healthy and happy.

2 01 2010
Lexie

Wow, what an amazing post, it made me cry. I hope 2010 brings you everything you’ve been hoping for. Only a few more weeks until you get to meet your babies! You’re in my thoughts. Happy New Year!!

2 01 2010
theworms

Hi sweetie!

28 weeks is awesome. Wishing you an amazing 2010 and I know it will be filled with many blessings.

((HUGS))

btw – I changed my blog URL

3 01 2010
Melissa G

Terrific post, and I could not be happier for you. You really deserve all of this and more

LOVE Mr.M’s feti comment. So, SO cute!!!

4 01 2010
clio

your journey inspires me!!! I’m going through another loss right now, but it’s always reassuring to see that all of this may pay off.
I love that your guy talks to the babies with the “testing, testing” talk! hilarious!
much happiness to you and your family this coming year.

4 01 2010
The Nanny

Here’s to an amazing 2010 for you guys, and happy, healthy babies!!!

5 01 2010
Maria

Oh Mr. M deserves a great big hug. How cute is he?!?!?

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