Mother’s Day

9 05 2010

Mother’s Day.

The first Mother’s Day that we celebrated was while I was pregnant with our first baby.  Baby P.  That my first pregnancy after my first IVF – that was when I thought two lines = baby.   We were ecstatic – my husband bought me a Mother’s Day card from Baby P with blue and pink pacifiers.  The miscarriage started the next day.  So as I embrace this day – and embrace Sugar and Spice – I am reminded of Baby P and there is still sorrow in my heart for that loss and my other losses, although it shares space in my heart with the absolute love and absolute joy that exist because Sugar and Spice exist.  The heart and mind are amazing – what can be endured and what can be cherished keep me in awe.

My husband asked me what I wanted for today – and I honestly have it all – there is nothing that can complete this more or make me happier – I am honestly the happiest and fullest I have ever been – and that is how I feel every day.  Although – the almost ten hours of sleep I got last night made me pretty happy!  I did get up to pump after seven hours – and to feed Sugar and Spice – I pumped about 19 ounces – ouch – but I am grateful that my girls and my supply can take the hits the extra sleep gives me!

My mother was not a great mother – she is an excellent grandmother – but she was not a great mother – possibly not a good mother.  I mean, we survived, but there was no mother-daughter connection.  Since Sugar and Spice have been born – she has been amazing.  She lives six hours away and has come down for three of the eight weeks that they have been here – and she is coming down again to help me when my husband has knee surgery. We have connected on a level that surprises me – not a mother-daughter thing – but more like a mother-mother thing.  I am grateful for that – and grateful that Sugar and Spice get to spend time with their grandmother.

So, up until today, Mother’s Day was always a day I dreaded – a day that I tried to find the most generic card for my mother – and a day that made me full of longing.  My heart goes out to all of you who dread this day.

Finally – thank you all for your amazing comments and support – I really appreciate the feedback on the sleeping and reflux.  And for all of you new commenters – thank you so much for de-lurking, I love it!!!!!




4 responses

9 05 2010

It’s such a different perspective, coming from infertility, miscarriage, and now pregnancy. I’m sure next year will add a deeper layer to that, with girls that are almost a year old.

9 05 2010
Kara's Mom

Loss certainly changes Mother’s Day. This is year 2 that my husband bought me flowers for Mother’s Day and we visit our baby at the cemetary. Being pregnant with the twins doesn’t lessen the sting for me. My girl should be 1yr 11 months right now and it’s heartbreaking that my husband buys me flowers for being a mother to a dead child.
I’m glad you’ve connected with you mom over the twins. My mom & I have a weird relationship also- not the best of moms, but hopefully will be a better grandmother. Happy Mother’s Day to you. xxoo

9 05 2010

Happy Mommy’s Day to you….and it’s wonderful to hear that your relationship with your mother has changed, evolved now that YOU are a mommy. I am so pleased for you happiness 🙂

10 05 2010

oh… since you love lurkers de-lurking, here I am 🙂
19 ounces?? wow! I max out at about 5.
Congratulations on your first mother’s day! I really enjoy your blog.

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