Mixed Emotions

14 05 2010

I am verging on full blown panic attacks thinking about going back to work.  I mean, I knew it was reality – I was actually pretty matter of fact about returning to work BEFORE Sugar and Spice got here.  The reality is – I worked really, really hard, working multiple jobs and full time jobs to get through undergrad and la.w school – but I also took out student loans – lots of student loans.  Those were the choices I made – and I did not make them thinking about being a SAHM at the time and if you would have asked that Li.sa if she wanted to be a SAHM – she would have laughed her ass off at you…but, I made those choices and I need to work to pay the everyday expenses we have and my student loans – so this is not me complaining about anything, I am very, very lucky – I have amazing, healthy, cute children, a spectacular husband and a job that some people would kill for.   And I do not know if I would do anything differently, I am just struggling emotionally and it is confusing and heartbreaking.

So, here I am, my babies are my life, they are everything and I love them more than I thought was possible – this love is unparalleled.  I am also an att.orney at a large firm and up until now, I have been extremely committed to my career, working long, long hours and loving the challenge of a complicated deal.  Now, I think about Sugar and Spice being held by someone else more than me, being fed by someone else more than me and I am crying right now…

So, I keep pumping myself up, remembering that our kids are not going to languish in the daycare hour after hour, I will drop them off between 8:30 and 9:00 and my husband will pick them up between 3:30 and 4:00.   I will hopefully be home by 6:30 every night.

We have a night nanny who comes every Sunday and Thursday between 10 pm and 6 am so we can get some sleep – my boobs wake me up when they need to be pumped – but then I go right back to sleep.  My dh wants to keep her until the babies are sleeping through the night since we are already sleep deprived and it will be ten times worse when I go back to work…but I want to be the one getting up in the middle of the night since I won’t be with them all day…is that ridiculous????  I mean, I want them to see my face all the time, I want them to know how much I love them and how I will always be there for them, even if I am not physically there.

Seriously, I cannot believe how I am feeling – I mean you know you are going to love them, but this love, this all consuming amazing love is rocking my world!!

Poor Spice, I hear him grunting and whining in his sleep – and a fart will trickle out every once in a while – I cannot wait until his digestion gets a little better…

I am off to a fun day – I am packing up all my gear and taking the babies to my IRL friend’s house for the day – she has 12 week old twins.

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9 responses

14 05 2010
lastchanceivf

First of all, must post pics of today’s double twin adventure!

Secondly, I really feel your pain coming through in this post. Is there any any way to work less…fewer hours…contract work…? I am not in any way saying your plan isn’t fine and good, I just hear the pain coming through your words about having to be away at all.

Wishing money wasn’t a factor in any aspect of becoming a mother or getting to be the type of mother you want to be…it just sucks sometimes.

14 05 2010
PJ

Ugh, student loans, debt in general. I hear ya.

Hugs

14 05 2010
Kate

Hope you have a fun if chaotic day!
It sounds like your babies will have less of a long day at daycare than mine will. I’m going back to work Jun 14th, and DH is taking over for the next 3 months. After that, she’ll be looked after by someone else from 7:15am till about 4pm. Sucks, but I do love my job. And I think I need the mental stimulation of being away. Of course, come June I may be singing another tune!

14 05 2010
Maria

Isn’t that love just awesome? Isn’t it great how big your heart swells with love for them!?! I know this is a very hard time for you, but as far as the night time nanny goes, that will figure itself out as time goes on. You’ll see how little/much sleep you actually need and you’ll decide to keep her or let her go, or even keep her for just one night a week. You’ll find the perfect balance for your perfect family 🙂

14 05 2010
Sue

You sound exactly like me. Unfortuantely, all that law school debt (somehow the scholarship and all night work at a bar/restaurant didn’t cover all of it, huh) is hanging over my head. However, before we got pregnant, I was screwed career-wise anyway since we kept moving as a result of the military…so 3 bar exams in 3 different states (passed them all) and now we live in a state in which I didn’t take the bar (and am sick of them anyway). So, ironically, I get my wish of being a SAHM…and once in a while, I feel guilt when women constantly point out to me that I should go back to work or make faces when I say that I am a SAHM, but I wouldn’t give it up for anything. So, we live in a smaller house and have to budget groceries…ugh. I know how you are feeling. I know it will be incredibly hard. BUT- you are mom. Nothing comes close to that or ever will.

14 05 2010
Kara's Mom

I totally understand your feelings of anxiety about going back to work. Nothing is as important as it was, once they’re here. I loved being a career woman and took out loans for my graduate education also, and thought I would never hesitate in going back to work. But when Kara died and I held her in my arms, I felt so horribly guilty that I was planning on going back to work when she was 8 weeks old. Here she was, this beautiful little person, dead, and I was taking it for granted ‘yesterday’ that I would be back to work as normal, leaving her in day care at 8 weeks old. It was horrible. I swore that if I ever got pregnant again, I would stop work a few weeks before to take care of me & baby, and take as much time as I could to be at home with the baby afterwards. I have to work, that is the reality, but if I didn’t, I would be a SAHM in a heartbeat. The guilt can be overwhelming though. This time, I am taking 6 weeks off before my due date, and taking all of my vacation after my 8 week leave after the c-section. AND – I’m working from home 2 days per week and having my mother come into my home the other 3 days. Priorities change once the little ones enter your life. Unfortuntely, we still have to work, but optimizing every single second we can with them is so important. You will figure it out, and you’re not crazy for wanting them to see your face every moment that they can. I can totally relate.

14 05 2010
strongblonde

any way you could work from home at least a 1/2 day a week? i’m in a similar boat to you. i need to work, i’m basically the breadwinner for the family, but i want to be at home, too. i am able to work “full time” and only be AT work for 2.5 or 3 days a week. that makes it so i am working at home 2 or 2.5 days a week. the problem? i don’t get anything done. i want to play with the kids, be with them, see them develop. so…i’ve basically decided i’m going to suck at work this year. i keep telling my self it will be easier when they are older and able to entertain themselves a little more…..maybe i’m living in a fantasy land?

how did the double twin outing go? it’s fun to have twins so close in age!!! 🙂

xx

15 05 2010
Mabelb

It must be so hard, I am dreading having to go back to work and I am not in the situation you are in. I see where your dh is coming from about keeping the night nanny so you aren’t completely exhausted if you have to hold down a job as well as be there for your babies. But I get that you want to be there for them as much as possible. Could you stagger your return to work and start a few days a week and then ramp up? I’m sure you have thought of all options though. Sorry it’s so tough, none of us think of this when we are on our twenties taking out student loans.

15 05 2010
Genevieve

I can’t imagine what you are going through, but try to see the positive: the time you DO get to spend with Sugar and Spice will be all that more precious to you. Bills, debt, etc, they are reality, and they suck. But your babies, they are what get you through, and you will get through every day knowing they are there waiting for you to come home and hold them…

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