2dp3dt of Sweetness (mixed with tears, guilt and hope)

14 03 2009

Mr. M took my breath away today and made me cry like a girl.  Today’s sweetness is all about him (and hazelnut chocolate).  As most of you know, the 2ww is fraught with mixed emotions, the amazing side effects from the PIO, fear and hope.  Well this morning I was thinking about what if this does not work (it has to work) but what if it does not…so I was going back through my CCRM stuff and thinking about Plan B.  I mentioned that to Mr. M and his face looked like I kicked him in the babymaker…I may have mentioned this before, but Mr. M originally did not want to try to have any more kids.  It is a long story but obviously he is on board now…mostly.  I thought the look on his face was like – “let’s just be done with this already”.  We agreed not to talk about it right then and there.  About an hour later I was sitting on the couch and he came over, slightly teared up, and said “I love you.  I will do whatever it takes”.  I immediately started sobbing with relief, guilt and fear.  I just clung to him, crying, and he told me he knows how committed I am to having our child and that he is in it for the long haul.  Amazing.  He. is. simply. amazing.  That being said, at that moment, I wished that it would all just go away – the desire to have a baby – I wanted (and still want on some level that likes to protect my sanity) to banish that desire forever.  It also made me feel better about this cycle – I will not give up hope yet – there is no reason to.  I had an 8 cell, a 5 cell and a 4 cell and babies have come from all sizes of embryos, including those.  I started to think about all the things my clinic may have done wrong and that is definitely not where I need to focus my energy right now.

So, now for a list of sweet things today:

1) My 12 year old dog Shelly ran around the yard like she was a puppy.

2) Chocolate with hazelnuts in it – enough said.

3) Movies – we are going to see Watch.men.

4) My sisters.  

1dp3dt of Sweetness

13 03 2009

Thanks to some of my blogging girlfriends, I have been thinking about posting about what is good in my life.  Thanks ladies.  My embryo transfer yesterday really inspired me to do so as well – I referred to my three little embryos as my sweeties as right now they are the sweetest things in my life.  But it made me also want to talk about the other sweet things in my life.  So here goes.  (BTW, Mr. M is a given – he is the best thing that has ever happened to me – he is my human valium and if it were not for him, I probably would have gone nuclear yesterday).

1) My dogs and my cat.  I do not post about them much but they are a huge part of my life.  My cat Nando, the grey tabby, has been with me for 13 years, Shelly, my brown mixed breed, 12 years and Rico, a terrier mix, for 2 years.  I just love having them around me.  Every morning I sit on the couch and catch up on the news, blogs, etc. and Shelly sits on my left, Rico on my right and Nando perches above my shoulder.  During my bedrest, Nando was in bed with me and Shelly stayed in her bed next to mine the entire time.  My dog Rico is about 40 pounds but when we have him and Shelly, who is 75 pounds, on leashes, he drags Shelly around by her leash.  It is hilarious and I am going to get a video up soon.

2) My stepson.  He is 19 and for the last month or so, he has been incredibly nice, helpful and just plan amazing.  He runs errands for me, gets me coffee (now decaf), gets groceries, takes care of our pets and yes, he even helps clean the house.  Amazing.

3) Stainless steel appliances.  Pretty materialistic of me, I know.  I had really crappy appliances all of my life so I love these things and I spent a good 15 minutes polishing them today…

4) Some days – my clinic.  I have such a low tolerance for bad customer service (waitress for 10 years, now an attor.ney) that I really demand a lot from them.  They really have gone above and beyond answering every single question and phone call.  I called today to see what MY RE had to say about the transfer, i.e. embryos being reloaded, taken in and out of incubator, etc., and I learned she was “in the mountains and totally unavailable.”  So my nurse went to the embryologist and got her two cents.  They said that they have a time period and that if the embryos are out of the incubator in not in you for a period of time, they will not transfer them and I did not reach that period, not to worry and they have documented pregnancies when that happens.  So while I still have some anxiety, I am trying to let it go and have faith in the process.

5) Rosemary crackers and cheddar cheese and hot milk with vanilla and sugar.

Okay, it is almost time for the opening ceremony of the POAS-a-thon.  I always test to make sure the ovidrel trigger is out of my system – they say at least 10 days but it usually leaves my system in 7ish.  So I will POAS on Sunday to document a fresh white stick that will hopefully have two lines in the near future.