My Ticker is Going Up (as soon as I learn how to do it – I did but had to change my format)

12 07 2009

10dpivi and 9dpiui:  VFP at 7:30 this morning.  *update – the one I took at 3:00 was an even fainter positive but the line is there – I did not see it last night*  Yes!!!!!  AND I HAVE NOT HAD ANY SPOTTING.  NONE.  The last few positives have been accompanied by bleeding.  I will say that there may have been a tiny speck of brown one day and a tiny speck of red another but they were so, so tiny and I am using those supps that I really just ignored them.  I actually got nervous because I thought I would have implantation spotting, which is what I thought I was having with all of my losses save the first, and I really had nothing.  This. could. be. it.  

I will try to post a picture later *updated – it is below* – the line is so, so faint.  I am simultaneously in shock and not in shock.  I posted all of my symptoms below – I was too embarrassed to post them as the days passed, I thought, “What if I am not pregnant, I will seem like a crazy person!” – the below just seemed too crazy, I HAD TO be pregnant.  So, yes, I am pregnant, I am pregnant, I am pregnant.  I am going to keep that promise I made to myself – I am going to enjoy every single second.  Every single one.  I am going to put my ticker up, even if my world crumbles and I have to take it down tomorrow.  I am going to buy a bella band, although with how I have been feeling I may lose weight.  I still have the worst metal mouth.  I woke Mr. M up to tell him – he is so happy, he hugged and squeezed me and was just so happy.  I am going to beg for every symptom and appreciate it when I have them.  I am going to try not to complain one bit about m/s.

I have definitively felt pregnant since 7dpiui.  I wonder if I am pregnant with an egg(s) that was fertilized by the IVI or the IUI?  Hmmm, this is so exciting!!!!  I am going to call my new RE’s office and see how they handle positive hpts and if they can squeeze me in for some early beta madness – I will beg, especially based on my early loss history but if they do not – I am going to enjoy every single minute.  *update – they called back – I did not beg – and the nurse was like – we don’t test until 13 days after the procedure – and made an appointment for Friday.  She was nice but she was like – sometimes those kits give false positives but that she hoped it was right…I was nice too and told her that they have been accurate for me in the past.*

Okay, I will let a little fear slip in – I am scared.  I have a few rumblings in my stomach that I have always associated with my miscarriages.  I am scared since I felt sicker a few days ago (could be a vanishing twin, could be nothing).  I am scared but I will try not to let that win.

Okay, my symptoms from the last few days:

7dpivi and 6dpiui:   My hopes are going up.  I had a horrid, metallic taste in my mouth all day – so bad, that I in fact asked a summ.er in.tern to get me gum during a court case this morning – that is psychotic for me to do – I never, ever ask anyone to do errands like that for me but I could not leave and it was awful – still is, like I am munching on pennies and nickels.  Smells starting to bother me.  Nips burning a bit.  Had a wave of crazy nausea before lunch, which was at a fancy steakhouse but I could not think about ordering steak and I barely ate my entree.  Had some AF cramping.  Had a few waves of dizziness at night.  Just thinking about the pizza my DH got made me want to run and hide. Yeah, my hopes are up – please do not let them be crushed.  Please do not let my hopeful mind be playing tricks on me.  Okay, I went to eat some chip.s ahoy cookies with some milk – I took two sips of the milk – the milk was sour – I ate it for breakfast too in cereal probably not that much and it tasted fine…could that have caused my nausea????  I am such a freak.

8dpivi and 7dpiui:  Okay, since I felt like a freak for having the above symptoms so early, I consulted Dr. Google and many of them can be explained by higher levels of progesterone and estrogen – which are all good signs for a potential pregnancy.  I will say that I had a fear that there was an army implanting in my uterus.  So, this morning – I am pretty nauseous – I woke up at 5:00 feeling nauseated.  My nips also feel a bit sensitive.  Minor cramping.  Puh-lease let this be it.  I gagged and threw up a bit while brushing my teeth – before I get excited – it may be from the sour milk yesterday…can you imagine if I am sick from sour milk?????  Or if there is salmonella now racing through my body, killing or maiming any potential life?  As you can guess, I googled the shit out of sour milk and all sources say it is fine – like sour cream and yogurt.  So I am not freaking out as  much but not going to read too much into my symptoms now…I felt nauseous throughout the day.  I had an event I had to go to – we had to do some fast walking and about 20 seconds of running – I started to get cramps like AF was coming.  I went to the bathroom to check for blood – I was sure it was going to be there – and there was nothing.  I was very, very tired all day as well.

9dpivi and 8dpiui:  Well, I tested this morning – BFN – so on the one hand I was a bit bummed, even though I intellectually know it is too damn early for most women to get a bfp and my earliest was 10dpiui after my first natural iui.  On the other hand, I am happy it was a bfn, there is a lesser chance of trips or quads!!!   I am a bit nauseous this morning , it does not feel as bad as it did yesterday but it is still there and smells are still bothering me, especially the cheese I give my dogs in the morning.  My nips are very sensitive.  I made Mr. M look at my girls – without telling him what to ask for – and he said that he thought my nips looked darker – they do – just very, very, very slightly.  Wow.  This. could. be. it.  If I am not pregnant, I need my head examined.  I thought that the past few days like, why am I feeling all of this stuff so early?  My mouth still tastes like metal but seems lesser than yesterday.  I am freaking out and thinking that this is going to be another early miscarriage and that I am doomed.  I had some twitches in the ute last night and some cramping on my right and my lower back this morning.  

I went to work – stopped at a drive-in coffee place for a raspberry italian soda (major craving) and literally gagged in my car when they opened the window and I smelled all of the coffee.  WOW.  Sprogger – you may understand the craziness of this as I think we share the obsession of coffee – it. made. me. gag.  wow.  I got to work and the metal taste in my mouth was back with a vengeance.  I then talked to my little sister – she too feels pregnancy symptoms very early and told me that her nausea came and went and that is normal.  Made me feel much better.  I felt nauseous and tired all day at work.  I came home, craving sugar, picked up an apple pie and ate it with ice cream.  YUM!!!  I have been doing a lot of mouth breathing as everything stinks – especially mr. m’s cool ran.ch dor.itos.  I am going to eat steamed veggies, chicken and shrimp tonight for dinner.  I am really hoping for a bfp tomorrow morning.  Okay, I ate and had to focus on not throwing it up.  I did not eat much so it is now 9:30 and I had a lean cuisine pizza – I was craving chicken fried rice but Mr. M ate all of it and I wanted to rip his head off.  Love hormones.  So now I am feeling a bit nauseated.  Please let this be it.

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6dpIVI and 5dpiui; Questions for Internets

8 07 2009

Does this 2ww feel like it is dragging for anyone else?  Time is moving so slowly!!!  Madness ensues!

Yesterday morning I was driving to work, repeating the words my new RE said to me, “YOU WILL GET PREGNANT, YOU WILL STAY PREGNANT, YOU WILL HAVE A BABY” and I almost started crying from hope bursting from my heart.  Later that day I felt what is written below – I am on an emotional roller coaster and I want to get off.  I did some yoga Sunday and I have been walking – it does help and I need to do more of it.

Intellectually I know that it is too early to be feeling symptoms but I keep going back to my other pregnancies and looking for how I felt on these days.  It was much easier for me to not overanalyze after my 3dt IVFs – the 2ww was much shorter.  After my first natural IUI – the one where I got a bfp on 10dpo and miscarried a day or so later – I could feel my nips start to sting and I had twinges starting on CD5ish.  I was not on any progesterone that cycle so I cannot say it was the progesterone.  I am on progesterone this time and I believe the progesterone is doing its evil deeds.  Bloated?  Check.  BBs huge?  Check.  Twinges in uterus?  Check.  I want my nips to feel like they are on fire – that is a surefire sign for me.  They stung a little bit yesterday – but that means nothing – it is well and truly too early.   Again, I know it is really early to start symptom checking.  

My moods change from  minute to minute but mostly MY F’ED UP IF MIND IS TELLING ME THAT THIS DID NOT WORK, IT IS NEVER GOING TO WORK, I AM NEVER GOING TO GET AND STAY PREGNANT, I AM NEVER GOING TO HAVE A BABY.

Okay, so now that I got that out of my symptom, questions for you guys.  As a recap, I was on 100 mg clomid from days 5-9.  On CD 15 this was me:

LH 4.5, Prog 0.5, E2 698, Right ovary 5 follicles measuring 22, 21, 18, 17 and 14, Left ovary 1 follicle at 17.

So my questions are:

1) On CD 19, I was surging and my LH was 22.9 and my progesterone went up to 1.9.  Do you think it is possible that one of my follicles (probably the 22 or 21) had already burst, therefore the corpus luteum was releasing progesterone?

2) By how much do follicles grow per day on clomid?  I have read varying accounts but mostly 1-2 mm per day?  That would mean – if it was 1-2 mm per day – that my follies on day 19-20 (surge and suspected ovulation days) were  26-30, 25-29, 22-26, 21-25, 18-22 and 21-25.  I have naturally huge follicles – on the first IUI I got pregnant with a 28mm follicle.  So, I am hopeful that we had more than one to work with based on the answer to the question below.

3) My LH surge was much stronger than my first one – it was 12 the day before O on the cycle I got pregnant – so how many follicles do you think a natural surge would burst?

These are all of the things running through my mind – through the doom and gloom, through the positivity.





Crisco Tampon

6 07 2009

My father (the cook in our home) was a big fan of Crisco.   I think these progesterone suppositories are made with Crisco.  I just cannot believe that I am about to advocate for PIO.  My journey started with IVF and PIO – I thought it was monstrous, how huge those needles were, how thick the PIO was.  I then moved on to an IUI and used Crinone gel.  Forget about it – when you google it and read that women have to “get cleaned out” from it, it is enough to keep you off of the Crinone.  (BTW, I have a few left of the Crinone if anyone is a fan – they are yours for FREE – I will even mail them to you)  

Now, moving on to the progesterone suppositories, it is just like gently inserting some trans fatty Crisco tampon that has been refrigerated.  And then when they melt – good grief.  I sleep au natural and when it feels like there is warm Crisco between your legs, it is just WRONG.  I am truly distressed over what I have done/what has been done to me in the name of reproduction.  I may beg to use PIO again.  Oh, btw, today is 4dpIVI and 3dpIUI.  Sigh.





Clomid IUI Complete

3 07 2009

Ahh, sweet, sweet relief.  I feel like a million pounds have been lifted off of me.  The best part of today was that Mr. M went to the appointment with me – I love him so much, he is amazing.  

I think this was timed pretty perfectly.  My opk last evening was just as dark as the afternoon but fainter this morning – so I peaked sometime yesterday so ovulation would be 12-24 hours after the LH peak.  I estimate that will be no later than 9:00 pm tonight and there should be sperm waiting for the egg(s).  I have been feeling some ovulation pain mostly on my left but a little on the right – I was expecting more from righty since I had 5 mature follicles on that side.

Now, for the count:

Prewash 55 million

53% Motile

2+ progression

70% moving forward (they knew where they were going)

Total Motile Final:  14 Million

Not bad, not bad at all.  

I am going to count tomorrow as day 1 but I do already feel like I am in the 2ww.  I will break out the FRER on day 9 or 10.