HSG Results; Work; Darkness; Light

2 05 2009

My hsg was totally normal.  I told my sister and she was like, “Oh no, ok”.  she keeps thinking that there is going to be a magic answer – shit, I keep thinking there is going to be a magic answer.  The bottom line is that there is no magic answer.  

It was a rough week.  I am really busy at work – with work and pro bono and volunteer initiatives I am trying to get my firm to stand behind.  I am trying to help an organization start a leg.al clini.c for our street hom.eless population, I am co-chair of our pr.o b.ono protec.tion from ab.use program, I am on a newly formed volunteer committee for a local nonprofit that seeks to improve education for children in home.less shelters and finally I was just interviewed to serve on a board that seeks to get medical care to the stree.t home.less population worldwide.  I now want to quit my regular job and do everything else I am doing full time instead – it feels so good and I feel selfish for feeling that way but it is the best I have felt in so long helping people in even small ways.

I grew up extremely poor – my father is an alcoholic – sober now – and my mother was a rage-a-holic – dormant now.  We lived on the skirts of homeless.ness – there was always the fear that we would lose our house.  A local businessman ended up buying our mortgage after my mother left and my father fell apart so that my father would not be home.less with three daughters.  I worked two to three jobs to get through undergrad and I worked full time during la.w school – I was in the top 10% of my class and I was lucky enough to land a great job.  I spent the first few years of my career working nonstop and now that I have “proven” myself and my last review was the best I have ever had in any job – I need to start giving back more.  

It seems as though my life now revolves around finding distractions to sufficiently take my mind away from my life, which revolves around getting and staying pregnant and my broken, shattered, blackened heart.  I had a really dark day Tuesday – the misery was incredible – and I really, really want to try and stay out of that darkness.  Please.  

As for getting knocked up – I am waiting to see a smiley face – today may be CD 11 – it is hard to tell since my “implantation spotting” turned into AF.