Follow Up Appointment with RE

27 10 2008

Well, my follow up appointment with my RE was pretty anticlimactic. She said that she did not think that there was an issue with my eggs, with my DH’s sperm or with any possible recurrent early pregnancy loss issue. She stated that this was because their protocol covers most of those reasons, e.g. I take baby aspirin during my cycle, would take care of clotting issues, am on folic acid, would take care of other issues. That does not really make sense to me – I hear of plenty of women taking other medicines for clotting disorders, etc. So I told her that while this may be the case medically, I could not psychologically move on without having some testing. I did have an hsg prior to starting so the old uterus looks fine I guess. I had a host of blood tests done in 2005 for an unrelated issue so she looked at those results and wrote an order for all other blood tests. She really thinks it was due to chromosomal issues. But then she says I have a 50% chance of a healthy pregnancy – I was overwhelmed at this point so all I said was “50%??” and she said, “I bet you do not believe that but it is true” like it is a good thing??????? I guess I am greedy but I think 50% sucks. And if it was just two genetic flukes in a row, why is it 50%? This RE has been voted one of the best doctors in the universe or some shit like that so I am trying to keep that in mind while I self diagnose myself and re-write my own protocol. But I was annoyed like all get out because I waited for her for like a half hour…………she also said my lining was good – 16 both times, which I thought may be too thick. She does not want to up my meds if I try again for fear that I may hyperstimulate – my estrogen was pretty high last time.

So she said I could cycle again when I am ready – I am not ready – not ready at all. I need more time to recover – I also need more time to prepare myself if I have another loss if we try again. She also said that some of this blood work may take some time to come back – does not matter to me. I also made another appointment at another IVF clinic for a second opinion on November 18. I did not tell this RE that I was going to do that – she does not seem like the sharing thoughts with another doctor type.

Then my nurse coordinator came in after the doctor left – the woman I have cried with on the phone, the woman who told me about both of my losses – and I started to cry a little when she asked me how I was doing – I was trying not to cry so hard that when I spoke I sounded like a freaking man, I swear it. She is really sweet, gave me a hug and is really pulling for me.

I really am scared shitless to try again – I really want to get through the holidays first and really, really get into a good place mentally.


Fight or Flight?

7 10 2008

I spent all day in bed yesterday after I left work and gave myself a pep talk to keep living my life as normally as possible. So – I had the weirdest thing happen today…I went to work – I had lunch with potential clients – dressed in my best, conservative navy blue Calvin Klein suit with awesome Calvin Klein heels. Lunch went great but then I started to feel really dizzy – almost like I was going to throw up and pass out at the same time. I made it back to the office and it was the craziest physical symptoms I have ever had – I could not focus, I was so dizzy and nauseous. My friend drove me home and on the way I called the clinic, not knowing wtf was going on and whether I should haul my a** to the ER. My nurse told me that the doctor said it was probably nothing related to treatment but most likely anxiety…I was more than a little embarrassed, which I know is bulls**t, but hey, I felt it none the less. The doc said to go the the ER but I am sorry, if it is anxiety, I felt like I should just sit my a** in bed. So I proceeded to see my lunch a second time and I am now in bed. I guess I am not surprised – I am under a lot of pressure personally and my job can be high pressure as well, which I usually love. Right now I just feel numb and want to get my beta over with tomorrow.

Low Beta

6 10 2008

Well, I got my beta – it is 34. I have to go back in Wednesday for another blood test. My heart continues to break.

I remember starting this IVF process thinking that if I were lucky enough to get pregnant – not that it would be easy – but since we had male factor, and I was fine, young, healthy and both of my sisters had babies easily – why wouldn’t I get and stay pregnant? These losses have shaken my core, they have changed the way I feel about life, the way I feel about people and certainly have changed the way I feel about myself.

I have no idea where we will go from here.

I think it is over

6 10 2008

I woke up this morning to bright, red blood – looks like the beginning of my period and I had two lighter hpts. The ept digital came up pregnant still. I am heartbroken and I just cried in the shower, trying to collect myself to tell DH. He came in to say goodbye as he was leaving for work and when he saw my face and I told him, he teared up – I have only seen this man cry once in seven years.

I planned on going to work today but I do not know if I can keep it together – especially through the week. I am really busy and maybe I should go in and just throw myself into the work. I know everything that anyone can tell me – it is not over yet, it could be just one, etc. etc. it just does not help what I feel my body is telling me.

No More Spotting!!

5 10 2008

The last spotting I had were the small specks this morning. The spotting seems like classic implantation bleeding – that is what I am telling myself and this link really reassured me…although I hate the 50/50 chance…

My beta is tomorrow and I am hoping for any positive number that doubles by Wednesday!!!

Pictures of my HPTs

5 10 2008

These are my first hpts (all First Response) and were done on 8dp3dt, the first was at 7:00 am and the second was at 3:00 pm.

The above three (middle one is an Answer test, other two are First Response) were all done 9dp3dt at 5 am, 2:15 pm and 8:10 pm.
These two are from today, 10dp3dt and the digital was take at 5 am and the First Res.ponse was at 9 am. They lines look darker in person!

10dp3dt Longest. Weekend. Ever.

5 10 2008

The e.p.t. came up “Pregnant” this morning – yay, that means I have at least 40 units of hcg. One of my FRER was as almost dark as last night’s at 8:10 so that is good. Mine seem to be darker at night. There is a HUGE difference between my early FRER’s (i.e. 2 days ago at 8dp3dt) than last night’s and today’s!!!

I am mentally exhausted – which for me is a good thing – I will not be obsessing as much. I am having very, very small spots of pink, brown and red on the tp (at about 5 AM – nothing compared to the previous spotting, which was still small in amount. Let’s hope it is tapering off. Well, it is about 4:00 and no spotting AT ALL I think it has stopped!!! Please, please, please!!!

I feel nauseated, hungry, tired – but I do not feel like AF is coming anymore and by bbs are decidedly smaller than they have been.

I am not going to try and guess at what is happening – for now I am pregnant – and my beta tomorrow should be indicative of whether that may be viable or not. Then of course Wednesday’s beta will be the critical piece.