23 03 2009

Today sucked, it really, really sucked.  I got the call from the clinic – officially a bfn.  I am all over the place.  The worst part of the day is when I told my dad – I am his clone – and he started crying on the phone.   There really are no words for that.  

I am trying to stay away from raging against my clinic for the shitty response – I think my eggs may have been over-cooked – I got my records today and the notes said most of the oocytes had dark zonas and the three that did not fertilize were “atretic” whatever the hell that means (update – Dr. Google says that means postmature – I am in a rage).  The icing on the cake was the transfer – I really feel like they should have had me empty my bladder more – I had to do it twice since they were running late.  I cannot do anything about it – nothing, nada, zip – it is over and there is not shit I could do about it even if it was their fault – shit happens and it is happening to me, it is my turn for whatever reason.  My RE is calling me tomorrow “between 9:30 and 12:00” (my clients would kill me if I scheduled calls like that) to “discuss where to go from here”.  It should be interesting.   If I do IVF again, I would rather go out at the best clinic I can – anyone have success from Cornell?  I have heard quite about about CCRM and I had a phone consult with them but I really do not know anything about Cornell.

Well, where do we go from here?  I have no idea.  Mr. M has come along for this crazy ride and I have completely left it up to him.  Whatever path he wants to take for us to become parents at this point, I will try.  I will try DS, DE, IVF again, adoption, anything.  Each path has its own ups and downs and grieving processes (and potential financial ruin).  I do feel like it is insane – doing the same thing over and over and over and expecting different results – I feel insane because I want to try again.  There, I said it.

I keep saying things to myself like – this is just temporary, you will be a mother someday…etc.  I know I have good things in my life – why does it feel so hollow right now, so fake, like I am playing a part in a play and we have not gotten to real life yet.

Do you remember the other attor.ney I told you about – I went to law school with him? Their retrieval was the same day as mine – they only got two eggs, one fertilized, three day transfer on the same day as mine with a 7 cell B and he told me her beta (she is 38) was 160 today.  They have had two prior miscarriages so when he told me I was so happy for them – but of course, for me, I was like WTF, really?  I hope they end up with a beautiful baby – which will be due on my birthday. That is right – my due date this time would have been my birthday.   IF and IVF are dogs from hell (for those of you who know Buk.owski – obviously I need to stay away from him right now).

Thank you all for your support.  Please also give Mo and Darya some love – they got their official bfns today too.  

10dp3dt – Battered

22 03 2009

Another negative.  After I wrote my post yesterday, I pretty much fell apart.  I feel truly battered, exhausted and numb.  I cried with Mr. M for a while yesterday and then took a nap, which I think saved my sanity for the rest of the day.  

I really do not know what the future holds for us.  I had always looked forward to the “next cycle” and there was hope in that looking forward.  Now I just feel beaten, raw and submissive.  I feel like I just want to give up this dream to have a child.  

The last year has given me two pregnancies, two losses, 3 IVFs and 1 canceled IVF.  I am so tired of the emotional roller coaster.  Sheer joy, sheer terror, hope, fear, crushing disappointment, anger, confusion, shock, disbelief, horror, isolation and depression are just a few of the emotions I have gone from in a span of days, over and over and over in just one year.  That is just too much.

My self esteem has totally cratered.  I feel fat, defective, old, worn, depressed and desperate.  

I always say that I need a break after each cycle – some were longer than others – and I am not sure how much of a break I am going to need this time.  I just want to heal a bit, to get some of my confidence back, to have fun with Mr. M and his son, to leave the house during a weekend, to feel normal again.  One of my blogging buddies had a post about faking it until we make it – that is exactly what I intend to do in the hopes it will save me from the darkest places in my heart.

8dp3dt of Sweetness

20 03 2009

I am amazingly okay right now – the bfns are not getting to me and I am able to enjoy reading- Kim Harri.son’s White W.itch, Black Curs.e.  Pretty entertaining.

So, for the things that are sweet in my life today:

1) My IRL friends that have done IVF and that get it;

2) Mr. M bringing me pizza in bed;

3) Clean sheets on my bed; and

4) (no need to leave the house for reading material!).

8dp3dt – POAS-a-thon Day 3 Goes to THE STICK

20 03 2009

I got a bfn this morning.  I am not very upset right now because I am still holding out hope – just because I tested positive two other times on 8dp3dt, does not mean this one would be exactly the same.  It is still early.  I am telling myself all of the things I would be telling all of you.  I sort of believe them. 

To tell you the truth, I thought I was going to get a bfp this morning for sure.  Last night I had what I thought was a really, really faint positive on a CV.S brand stick – I took it apart and it just looks like the indentation where the line should be but I swear there was a little bit of blue.  I tested this morning on a FRER.  I am going to be very honest here – the reason I love peeing on sticks is that when I got the bfps it was the only physical link I had to that baby.  Sometimes I think about not posting about my POAS habits because it is embarrassing to me at times.  But – this is my blog and I started it mainly to help other women going through this hell – you are not alone, I am not alone – those of you who judge others for POAS, you do not walk in anyone else’s shoes – please do not judge.  The hcg that the embryo – my baby – produced was visible on that stick and I could see it, it made me feel like I could see my baby at that moment of time.  I lost those pregnancies but I had a tangible link to them.  Shit, I am crying now and I was going to try not to cry at all today.

Yesterday was horrible physically – I had so many gurglings and sounds going on, it was crazy, I had some dizziness and a headache.  I slept from 9:30ish to about 12:30 and then I could not sleep again until about 3:45.  I had really, really bad heartburn and nausea.  So I was really getting my hopes up but at the same time my bbs feel smaller.  My lower back was hurting as well.  I thought I would wake up and it would be a bfp for sure.   

The ultimate feeling that I have is that it is too early for any of this and that it is the PIO making me crazy.  I really want to go into work – I have a ton to do – and I want to be able to not cry.  The inappropriate, uncontrollable tearing up at times is really embarrassing and I wish I had better control over that.  Peace to you all today and peace to me to get through it.  I am glad that I have the weekend – my beta is Monday and I will know for sure by then and I hope if it continues to be a bfn, I can cry it out of my system.

7dp3dt of Sweetness – Spotting and a False Positive

19 03 2009

I left work early – I had bright, red spotting at around 1:00ish.  I have gurglings in my stomach again with some sharp, stabbing cramping – like AF is going to show up any minute. This is how I felt last time and I ended up getting a bfp on 8dp3dt after I started spotting on 6dp3dt.  But, as we all know, the endings of that and my first story – with spotting beginning after my bfp but before my beta – are not good.  I am almost tempted not to pee on a stick, that way if it is another early loss, I really do not want to know about it but I certainly do not want to find out from my RE’s office, so yes, loyal peeing women, I will continue to pee.   I cannot believe I have continued to volunteer for this shit.  It is like ground.hog’s day the movie and I want it to stop.

I am trying not to hit the panic button – I know, it is only 10dpo technically and implantation can happen until day 12dpo (or so I am told), lots of women have implantation spotting or other spotting that is red and go on to have a heathy pregnancy (or so I have heard) but SHIT I was really hoping this time would be different.  I feel like my body wants to have a big, crazy period.

I also got a false very, very, very faint positive on a Clear Blue today – it is because I was double-fisting it with a FRER and there was not enough pee on it – the control line never came up.  I then looked at and they said that Clear Blue gets a TON of false positives and not to use them –  I am only sharing this so that other avid peeing people like myself are forewarned.  The FRER was negative.  I cannot even invest in that right now.

I am getting crushed at work so I have to work while I am home – I am going to try and do it in bed.

The sweet things in my life today are (I am hanging on to them for dear life):

1) Mr. M – hurts so badly for me and wishes he could take it all away.  I told him he could if he would just go out and buy me a baby already…he declined.

2) My cat Nando is right here in bed with me while I type.

3) My new Ka.te sunglasses from – hid my ugly cry face on the way home.

4) My bed is very comfy and I bought really nice sheets for it – I love being in it.

5) My sister Betsy – I talked to her on the phone today and for once she did not lecture me once. Love you Betsy!!!!

6) All of you – I feel better already.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

2ww Officially Sucks…6dp3dt of Sweetness?

18 03 2009

I am so miserable right now.  I am tired and I am feeling some gurglings in my stomach like I do before AF arrives and that has me pissed off and convinced that this did not work.  At the same time, I am still having some “dizzy spells”, pinches and twitches and “short intermittent cramps” in my uterine area – also, since I have been psychotically documenting the veins in my breasts – its seems like I can see more and they are bright blue on the surface.  

So part of me wants to believe it worked but then I feel like the world’s largest sucker and I will feel so foolish when it ends up being a BFN.  I just really need this to work – I am so sick of my life being on hold, so tired of the hormones, so tired of the roller coaster, so tired of hoping and being crushed – f*ck, I am just tired of it all.  I went to lunch with three girls I went to la.w school with and I felt like a freak, like a total alien. I found myself talking about our attempts to get pregnant and they had no clue what I was talking about but were super supportive.  Why did I say anything?  Because it is the only thing in my life.  I have let this entire process take over everything, I am boring, bordering on agoraphobic and I have no life other than trying to get and stay pregnant.  I am so f*cking sick of it.

So here are the things that are sweet in my life today:

1) I did not chew out the nasty, backstabbing woman in my office who likes to talk about everyone and make trouble;

2) I went to a client event and did not scare any current or future clients with stories of the RE not being able to get the catheter past my cervix into my uterus or about the fact that my tits feel like anvils;

3) I showered.

6dp3dt POAS-a-thon Day 1 Goes to THE STICK

18 03 2009
Yes, I peed on a stick this morning, knowing that unless all three implanted and split on Sunday, it was going to be a BFN and it was.  I woke up at 1:44 and had to pee very badly so I tested when I woke up at 6:00.  Don’t worry, I know it is too early – my heart is not full of dread or anxiety over this BFN today.  Now, Friday will be a different story – I got both of my other bfps on 8dp3dt with a FRER and my betas were 75 10dp3dt and 34 11dp3dt and they both ended shortly after that.  So if I get a negative on Friday, I will probably be freaking out even though that can be early too.  This morning I have had some “cramping” and twitching on either side – it does not feel like period cramps – I usually get a dull ache but at times I do feel that dull ache so I am terrified that there will be no bfp and all these “symptoms” are PIO and PMS.  Bah.  

I found the best depiction of the process of POAS – please enjoy it below from My Dusty Ovaries – I do not know her at all and I plan on dropping her a line this morning.

Tales from My Dusty Ovaries: The Story of the Sticks (with pictures)