11dpiui#2 BFN Second Second Opinion

19 05 2009

Another negative.  I was in the bathroom last night with mr. m and telling him what a horrible day I had.  Usually, I do not feel like I work at the good old boys’ club, yesterday I did and it was just a crappy day.  And then I said, plus, I think this cycle is a bust.  His face fell and he was like “really?” and he was very sad.  Ugh.  And then he said, we just have to keep trying.  I love him.  The best part of last night was when I was working (I am really busy and working every spare minute that I have) on my laptop in bed, he just came in for no reason and laid on the bed and rubbed my feet.  Honestly, I do not know what I would do without him.

As for fake-out PIO symptoms, my breasts were tingling yesterday and I had some slight nausea.  I really hate PIO.  The only good thing about it is that it may slow down my period enough that I could do another IUI immediately when we get back from our cruise.  

Finally, I have my second second opinion later and if I have time tonight, I will update this post regarding what he has to say about my killer uterus, and/or shitty eggs and/or hyperfertile infertility.  I cannot believe this is my life.



6 05 2009

please go give kate your love and support – she had an u/s today and received horrible news

today was bad.  i stayed up late reading dea.d and g.one and finished it this morning before work, i did not even take a shower.  i went to work and it was a struggle to do anything.  on top of that, any social time is spent with my friend who is pregnant.  she came in around 3:00 and said she swore she felt the baby move.  yes, i am ecstatic for her – but it felt like my heart was being hit with a cleaver.  the rest of the day was so agonizing, every minute felt like an hour and left at 5:30, which is very early for me.  on the way home, i was so depressed, the thought of coming home and sitting around made me want to pull my head off.  so i went to the gym, which i have not done in months and months, did the elliptical for 30 minutes, got in my car and started crying.  i could. not. stop.  

my heart, my head, it all hurts.  is this ever going to work.  the grief from losing 3 pregnancies (I feel bad for grieving my most recent only days old  pregnancy but I do)  this year has accumulated in my soul and i just do not know what to do with it.  i do not want mr. m to see me this way – i am afraid he will want to stop due to what it is doing to me.  that just adds extra pressure and i feel like running away 

so, what do all of you do to keep from going off of the deep end of grief?

HSG Results; Work; Darkness; Light

2 05 2009

My hsg was totally normal.  I told my sister and she was like, “Oh no, ok”.  she keeps thinking that there is going to be a magic answer – shit, I keep thinking there is going to be a magic answer.  The bottom line is that there is no magic answer.  

It was a rough week.  I am really busy at work – with work and pro bono and volunteer initiatives I am trying to get my firm to stand behind.  I am trying to help an organization start a leg.al clini.c for our street hom.eless population, I am co-chair of our pr.o b.ono protec.tion from ab.use program, I am on a newly formed volunteer committee for a local nonprofit that seeks to improve education for children in home.less shelters and finally I was just interviewed to serve on a board that seeks to get medical care to the stree.t home.less population worldwide.  I now want to quit my regular job and do everything else I am doing full time instead – it feels so good and I feel selfish for feeling that way but it is the best I have felt in so long helping people in even small ways.

I grew up extremely poor – my father is an alcoholic – sober now – and my mother was a rage-a-holic – dormant now.  We lived on the skirts of homeless.ness – there was always the fear that we would lose our house.  A local businessman ended up buying our mortgage after my mother left and my father fell apart so that my father would not be home.less with three daughters.  I worked two to three jobs to get through undergrad and I worked full time during la.w school – I was in the top 10% of my class and I was lucky enough to land a great job.  I spent the first few years of my career working nonstop and now that I have “proven” myself and my last review was the best I have ever had in any job – I need to start giving back more.  

It seems as though my life now revolves around finding distractions to sufficiently take my mind away from my life, which revolves around getting and staying pregnant and my broken, shattered, blackened heart.  I had a really dark day Tuesday – the misery was incredible – and I really, really want to try and stay out of that darkness.  Please.  

As for getting knocked up – I am waiting to see a smiley face – today may be CD 11 – it is hard to tell since my “implantation spotting” turned into AF.

Walking Out of the Darkness

25 04 2009

Mr. M and I took a walk in a local park today – it was beautiful and hot and just great to get out.  As we were walking, I saw so many people with their kids, women with strollers with babies as old as mine would be had my first pregnancy been successful. I could feel the darkness that I am/have been living in and I looked at the man next to me – my man – and it struck me how hard he has been fighting to keep me with him – he as drug me out of so many dark places and days just by doing simple things like the dishes and laundry.  He has asked me to do so many things and I usually say no because I was too tired or I felt too sad or I felt too insecure – and it hit me – I have to work harder to meet him half-way, I have to walk, more like, drag myself out of the darkness to get to him, to love him, to take care of him.  He is getting tired too – tired of losing me to this process over and over and over again.  I am going to slowly try to get my life back more and more – I have to, pregnancy or no pregnancy, baby or no baby – I need to find myself again, find joy again.

Weekend of Pregnant Women, Kids and Babies (yes, babies, kids, pregnancies mentioned) and Our Special Delivery

6 04 2009

It is Monday morning and I am so glad to be home.  I went to my hometown for my niece’s first birthday party yesterday.  The weekend started out with my father telling stories about growing up and how poor our family was.  One of my great grandmothers had 12, yes 12 kids and my other great grandmother had 11, yes, 11 kids.   I cannot even think about that – and that perhaps the fertility gene was smoked in my body.

I have to say, I love my niece, she is an angel and my sister let me hug, hold, kiss and squeeze her  the entire day – I totally monopolized her.  Well, there were about 30 people at the party and about 10 kids.  I was the only woman – not just of childbearing age – but the only freaking woman at the party with no child.  There were old women, very old women, my sister, my stepsisters, etc. etc. and they all had their kids their with them.  On top of that, my stepsister is pregnant for the third time in 3 years – and she has a 2.5 year old and a 9 month old.  My sister’s sister-in-law is also pregnant and had a big, beautiful bump.  

I just went someplace else in my head and I was completely numb – which is good, saved me from crying and blubbering all over the cake and decorations.  It also kept me from interrupting the bash for our special announcement of our special delivery – our sperm has arrived at our clinic!  It arrived safe and sound on Friday – today is CD 11 so hopefully the IUI will be this week sometime.  I am really tired of not being pregnant and not having a baby.

I only almost started to cry once when I was talking to my aunt – my mother (I rarely speak to my mother, that is an Opr.ah show of its own) gave her some of the details.  This sucks, it really sucks.

I am trying to keep my hopes up for the IUI – although I am starting to have doubt about a natural cycle – there is no way that will work, right?????  I mean come on – the thought that I could get knocked up without taking any meds is CRAZY.  Also, I hear one should do it at least 3-6 times before giving up and going to a medicated cycle.  

I have to say  – looking at all of the women at this party – I know most of them and the fact that they got pregnant the old-fashioned way is giving me hope.  Not that having a stranger’s sperm pumped into my uterus with a catheter by a someone I do not even know on a first name basis is the old fashioned way, but it is as close as I am going to get!  More on natural selection as it relates to the correct sperm swimming into my egg later.   It has been nice to catch up with everyone – sorry to see some more bfns….it is so wrong…and happy to see What If get a bfp.

Shoe Challenged

6 03 2009

Today was a long, long day.  I have been feeling really punch drunk, tired, emotional, silly and cranky.  So I went to work today and at about 11 am, after I walked around my firm dropping my money off for a NCAA draft we do – I look down and notice that I am wearing one brown shoe and one black shoe.  And there is a height difference in the heels…I laughed so hard I almost cried.  I had an extra pair of shoes in my car.

I cannot wait to get off these drugs!!!!

Picture; Eating and Eating and Eating and Eating

28 02 2009
Thanks for all of the great compliments on my photo – yes, that is me and Mr. M.   I really, really loved it!!!  We “eloped” in Kenne.bunkport, Ma.ine.  It was so amazing.  I thought I wanted a big wedding and started planning a monstrosity.  I then went to try on dresses and I just could not get into it and asked Mr. M if he would mind eloping. He was scared that I would regret not having a big wedding and after like the 10th time begging him, he agreed.  We both had the best time ever – we did tell our families before we went and had a dinner reception a few months after we were married.  I bought a dress off the rack with a corset, I bought a gorgeous bouquet and hired a photographer for us.  We got married at the bed and breakfast we stayed at while we were there.  I really wanted it to be about us and it was and it was fabulous.

We got married about 4.5 years ago and these photos remind me of what a beast I feel like!  I have been eating, and eating, and eating – I am about 16 pounds heavier than I was when we were married and I just feel so gross.  I know that the hormones I am on really make it feel worse but I need to quit shoveling in the food!  For example, tonight I had cheese, crackers, waln.ut basil pes.to dip, beef bar.b.que sand.wich, potato salad and some godi.va choco.late cheesecake from the cheese.cake fac.tory. I swear if there is not a baby out of this 3.5 I am going on a major diet and hiring a trainer – it is bad enough I feel like crap emotionally half the time but to pile on feeling like crap physically is just irresponsible of me!!