Hope to Apathy

24 10 2008

I have been so tired the last week or so – I went to my pcp and she did say my iron was a bit low so I will have to dose up on that. I have vacillated between hope and apathy regarding another try – hope that it could work and not caring if it does not work. I think the apathy is some sort of psychological defense mechanism…

My younger sister B is here this weekend with her baby – my niece – she is six months old and is the cutest, most active and amazingly babbling baby I have ever been around. My mother came with them. I am pretty close with B – she has been really supportive of my efforts to have a baby and has been there for each loss. I think she wanted to come down to make sure I was okay – she even asked if they should not come because she did not want it to make me feel worse. I do not have any feelings of jealousy this time – a few months ago after my first loss, it was brutal, I was so jealous. Now I am just happy for her and being around a baby when I am this tired almost makes me glad I do not have one yet…almost. My mother has never really been close to me or my sisters so I am definitely blase about her being here – not negative, just blase.

Along the way, I am continuing to try and eat my way out of the blues I am feeling – not really the best way to try and feel better! I am going to be a cooking fool this weekend – we are also going to go to a local farmer’s market to pick up some yummy pies.

I am looking forward to my appointment on Monday with my RE.


Diagnosis – Pregnant

15 10 2008

One thing that I have to ward against is being melodramatic. I always try to gauge what I am feeling and how I am feeling in order to ensure I am not overdoing it. Well, this morning kicked my melodramatic a**.

I went in for my beta to see if it dropped to negative – I went to a lab near my house for the first time so I did not have to drive an hour out of the way to my RE’s. Well they were putting in my info and the prescription and the diagnosis code was “Pregnant” blah, blah, blah – I could not read the rest – the first word hit me like a ton of bricks. I wanted to scream at the lady – “No, I am NOT fuc*ing pregnant, I was fuc*ing pregnant but I am not fuc*ing pregnant anymore”. I did not scream at anyone but I cried in my car on the way to work. This sucks so FUC*ING bad. On top of this crap, I got food poisoning of sorts from my lunch yesterday – my co-worker who had the same exact thing went home early too for the same puking and you-know-what-else.

So, today I am ANGRY and really want to try again and I dare the universe to deny me again – I know very melodramatic and over the top but I am so mad. My beta came back at the negative level so it is officially over.

It has begun

12 10 2008

I started bleeding yesterday afternoon and for that I am mostly grateful. I say mostly because there is some primitive part of me that hates losing our little beans that were placed inside of me weeks ago. It makes me feel sort of twisted but I cannot stand the thought of them being flushed down the toilet or thrown away.

I had horrible cramping last night and only slept a few hours. I am hoping for a better sleep tonight. We went to the movies today, I am going to walk the dogs and make dinner.

I am the type of person that always needs a mission of sorts – my new one is to get down to my preivf weight and then lose another ten pounds – that is about 17 pounds total. I am 5’8 and I look my best when I am about 150 – I am weighing in these days between 166 and 168. I was about 162 before we started IVF in April. So I am going to try and hit the gym and stay on WW points for the next few months until we figure things out.

Still Waiting

11 10 2008

I am still waiting to get my period. I am really, really bloated but I am in much better spirits emotionally. That scares me – I am afraid there are a ton of emotions bottling up and that I will explode into a trembling, shaking, screaming and crying mess. I really just feel numb – or is it that I feel okay – I am not sure how I feel but I am trying to take care of myself. For example, yesterday I only worked for about an hour, my DH met me for lunch, I hung my thermal curtains and I organized my pantry. I know – it sounds pretty freaking boring to me too – but I think I need to do exactly that kind of stuff. I also went to play blackjack – I know gambling when we are considering how to pay for another round of treatment and/or adoption sounds pretty ridiculous – but my DH and do not drink, smoke, excessively shop, etc. so we go about twice a year. I usually win money playing blackjack but I lost a little last night. I do not play the slot machines but luckily DH does because he won a little bit of money. We then went to eat at one of our favorite restaurants – Benihana.

I had to sit next to a woman that was probably in her fifties and looked like Goldie Hawn. She was pretty drunk and getting drunker by the minute. “Goldie” was pretty inappropriate too – she tried the steak sauce and was like, “Yum, I do not even need to have sex tonight.” She then ordered a gin and tonic “with very little ice and very little tonic.” It was pretty funny but pretty sad at the same time since it was obvious she had a drinking problem.

We are trying to sell our house and we have two showings this morning so I need to clean in order to get ready for that. We have an offer on the table but it is really below any asking price we would seriously consider.


9 10 2008

I had a pretty good day at work today. I met with the director of the leadership program I am in to catch up on all of the things I missed at the retreat. It is an awesome program and our goal is to implement a one day event in a really run-down part of my city that will excite people about the potential use of vacant space. It will be a nice distraction. I also worked on a bunch of loan documents – boring but distracting.

So I really, really, really hate this part of chemical pregnancies/early miscarriages. I stopped my progesterone yesterday and now I just wait to bleed. Last time I started bleeding a few days after I quit taking the progesterone but it could take longer. I think it will be quick since my hcg number is so low. I hate the physical closure takes so long – it postpones the emotional closure – not that such closure is ever complete.

So I was on The Nest boards and this poor girl miscarried last night – she was really early too and said she felt silly for feeling so horrid because she was only pregnant for a few days. I felt the same way after my first loss – I was so devastated, I could not stop shaking, crying, throwing up at times and felt the most complete sadness and devastation I have ever felt in my life. So I did some research and the research shows that when we lose pregnancies – no matter at what stage – we just do not lose the embryo or a potential child – it feels like we lost a baby, a toddler, a pre-teen, a teenager, birthdays, Christmases, etc., etc. That made me feel better when I thought I was not ever going to make it back from that hurt and pain.

I hate to say this but this time around is much easier – last time I could not stop crying – even at inappropriate times – for days and days. I cried a bit this time but I mostly feel numb – so maybe it is not easier, I am just not feeling it. I get scared that I will bottle all of this up and have a complete nervous breakdown.

Even though I am not making a decision about which path I want to take, I told my DH that we could afford another cycle (our insurance coverage has just about run out) and even adoption if I (1) put my student loans in to deferment and/or forbearance and (2) I quit making contributions to my 401(k) for a little while. The first option is okay and I know the second option may be stupid financially but I do not want to go into any more debt. My student loans are in the SIX FIGURES and we have two mortgages, my stepson lives with us, etc. etc. so even though I have a great job times get tight. But it made me feel better to have a plan.

Confirmed Chemical/Early Miscarriage

8 10 2008

My beta came back at 32.

I scheduled an in-person visit with my RE for October 27 with my DH.

I am way, way too sad to post anything more today. For the few of you that read my blog, thank you so much for your support. For those of you reading my blog looking for information, good luck and do not give up hope.

Fight or Flight?

7 10 2008

I spent all day in bed yesterday after I left work and gave myself a pep talk to keep living my life as normally as possible. So – I had the weirdest thing happen today…I went to work – I had lunch with potential clients – dressed in my best, conservative navy blue Calvin Klein suit with awesome Calvin Klein heels. Lunch went great but then I started to feel really dizzy – almost like I was going to throw up and pass out at the same time. I made it back to the office and it was the craziest physical symptoms I have ever had – I could not focus, I was so dizzy and nauseous. My friend drove me home and on the way I called the clinic, not knowing wtf was going on and whether I should haul my a** to the ER. My nurse told me that the doctor said it was probably nothing related to treatment but most likely anxiety…I was more than a little embarrassed, which I know is bulls**t, but hey, I felt it none the less. The doc said to go the the ER but I am sorry, if it is anxiety, I felt like I should just sit my a** in bed. So I proceeded to see my lunch a second time and I am now in bed. I guess I am not surprised – I am under a lot of pressure personally and my job can be high pressure as well, which I usually love. Right now I just feel numb and want to get my beta over with tomorrow.