M/S Relapse and Baby Registry (Puking, Pregnancy and the Dreaded BRU Mentioned)

13 10 2009

So, I started to wean myself off of the zofran about two weeks ago.  I was taking 4 4mg tablets per day.  I then went to 3 for a week, then two and then 1 on about Wednesday of last week.  I started to feel like total shit.  (warning – lots of puking mentioned) Friday I threw up everything I ate and drank.  Saturday I kept most of my food during the day down but we went to a charity event that night (at which, one of my co-worker’s husbands tried to sell us life insurance for our not-yet-born-babies – yep) and I ate a variety of foods.

On the way home, I pulled over at a gas station and asked Mr. M to run in and get two plastic bags.  I switched to the passenger side.  He handed me the bags and I proceeded to vomit like crazy.  The bags were great but I missed them the first couple of times and puked all over myself – the seatbealt, my pashmina, my dress, my new blac.kberry tour that work just gave me.  The best part is that my bladder was sort of full so every time I puked, I peed a little.  It was disgusting.  I also weighed myself and I was down about 1.5 pounds.  Needless to say, on Friday I took 3 zofran and have been on 3 since then.  I called my doctor’s today after I woke up feeling like total and utter shit just to fill them in and they sort of read me the riot act.  I am to go back up to 4 4mg per day and up to 6 4mg per day if I need to.  They said it will take a few days for me to feel better again.  Sigh.  I feel like I was trying to do the right thing but it seems as though the hyperemesis is here to stay.  FYI – total weight gain at almost 17 weeks is 10.5 pounds which is not too shabby but I really, really wanted to be doing the 1 pound per week thing and gain at least 24 by 24 weeks.

As I mentioned before, my sisters are awesome and are dying to throw me a baby shower where we grew up – we compromised for November 29, (still too early in my paranoid book) which also happens to be near my 35th birthday (they wanted to do this month, I don’t even look pregnant for f’s sake).  They are sending out the invitations.  Soon.  Full blown panic set in.  I threw caution, suspicion and terror out the window and registered at BRU.  I also started an online one at Tar.get.  Yeah, it is freaking me out.  It is sort of fun but mostly like trying to learn a new language.  I have no idea what I need – no, let me rephrase that – what two newborns are going to need.  My sisters have been awesome and are helping me navigate this foreign territory.  Of course, in the car on the way to register, I was like, this is going to jinx this pregnancy faster than you can say lap pad, but it has been a day and my doppler this morning let me know that all is well.  I still feel in shock most of the time – is this really happening?  To me?  Did I really get this lucky?  Holy shit.  It is amazing.  Then I read stories like the ones that were recently featured in the New York.Times about how dangerous twin pregnancies can be and terror comes knocking.

Okay, the best part of the last week or so – I can feel them moving.  It is like little flutters, the most amazing, purest, holiest thing I have ever felt.  They are amazing.


Anniversary; 11 Weeks; Doppler; Survival

4 09 2009

Today is my 5th wedding anniversary with Mr. M – we have been together for 8.5 years.  He is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  I did not know that I could love so much or that I could be loved so much.  He really, really is amazing.   And funny too – my mother wanted to know what our theme for our nursery was…I was like WTF are you kidding me I am 11 weeks and terrified of fetal death every day, I am NOT thinking about winnie or a safari or princesses or fairies…but Mr. M told her that we do have a theme – “Survival”.  Hahaha – not survival as in he thinks the babies are going to die but survival as in him thinking “I am 51 – going to be 52 around the time the Sprouts are born – how the hell am I going to keep up!”  I love him.  With everything that I am. 

Okay, so woo hoo!  I am 11 weeks today.  Kind of in shock.  Kind of like – is this really happening to me?  But very happy because…I got a doppler!  Yes, yes, all you naysayers, go ahead and flame me, shame me, berate me but I heard them (well at least for sure one of them – still getting the hang of it).   Really amazing.  So, my fears about showing up to my NT scan on Tuesday and them telling me that they are dead have been alleviated.  And I know that so many things can happen – but I am 11 weeks and my chances of miscarriage continue to plummet…right!?!?  My goal is to start enjoying, really enjoying my pregnancy.  Starting now.   And I am not going to be dopplering every day – I am going to set a maximum and stick to it.

I still feel sick here and there (I am still taking the zofran) and I threw up at work the other day and got puke all over my shirt.  Sigh.  That smell really stays with you.  I later spent the late night hours dry heaving and throwing up bile.  It was reassuring in a really sick and twisted way.  Grow Sprouts, grow!!!!

Finally – I also had to yank my sisters back – they are sweet and planning a shower for me where I grew up six hours away.  I told them that I probably would not be able to travel after Januaryish so they were going to do between Xmas and New Year’s.  Fine.  And then my older sister, the eternal optimist, got worried about the weather and wanted to do it in…OCTOBER.  I was like WTF and laughing so hard I almost peed.  I was like NO WAY.  That is ridiculously early but I have to say – they are so cute and so excited for me and know everything that we have been through.

Flipping Myself; Forced U/S (Pregnancy Discussed)

21 08 2009

I basically forced my OB to let me have an u/s yesterday.  (Oh yeah – Leah –  I was sick last night and my bbs were killing me – those of you who acknowledged and supported me through my neurotic fears – thank you – only so few people understand) They were being somewhat jerky about it – but they did it.  And the Sprouts looked fabulous.  I actually saw one of the little one’s eye, hands and feet.  It was breathtaking.  This was my first abdominal u/s and the pictures were not very good so I am not going to post them.  The u/s place was wonderful and the tech was amazing.  She knew I was there because I was scared – she did a quick scan and said two babies, two heartbeats.  I started to cry a bit – and she was like get it all out so your stomach stops shaking – very sweetly and funny though.  We were then chitchatting and I said, I really need to try and enjoy this pregnancy a little bit more rather than being terrified all of the time.  She said “The only women who enjoy their pregnancy are dumb.”  I was like, “what???!!!”  She was like, yea, those women who do not know anything can enjoy it, those of us who know too much, it is really scary.  She had three kids and she said she gave herself an ultrasound every single day.  I really liked her.

So, I am 9 weeks pregnant today, things look great, and I am going to try and flip myself around 180 degrees.  I feel like I did when we were trying and failing – for the most part, I am consumed with terror – I am not living – I am surviving – going to work, home, doing nothing, thinking nothing but sad and scary things.  I need to go back and meet my husband half way.  I need to enjoy my life – and bring the Sprouts with me into that enjoyment.

I could not sleep the other night, I was really stressing about my ob.  I started going to her 5 years ago and I loved her.  She seemed very different this time.   Time for bullets:

  • She was in a big hurry.
  • After I told her about being scared quite a bit and my history, she was like, we won’t do any extra ultrasounds.
  • During our talk, I stayed in my gown on the table, rather than sitting down and talking in her office.
  • She was hesitant to get a high risk doctor on the team.
  • I hate to say this – but her nurse was not all there – she asked for the date of my last period – I told her but that I did not ovulate until July 3 – when my IUI was, so I was only 8w5d when I saw them.  She stopped for a minute and was like, I am just going to use the date of your last period…I was like you can’t that will put me ahead like 6 days and I am not.  Seriously, it took five minutes to get through that.
  • I think she was trying to put me on a “normal person track” and I am not normal – I have had three albeit very early miscarriages, I am an IF patient, I have been through hell to get here and I am having twins.  Not going to work.

So I made the decision to go to the maternal fetal medicine group at the large teaching hospital in my city – I am not sure of all of the particulars but they will work with me throughout the pregnancy.  My appointment is on Wednesday with them.  I really thought – what would I tell my sister, my URL friends if they had an ob experience like that – I would tell them to move on.

My plan is to advocate for myself more – as sanely and as reasonably as possible.  I cannot change where I have been – and I have been in some scary dark twisted places – I can only change where I am going.  I really, really want that to be a nice place – inside my head and out.

Finally – a shout out to the Sprouts – I love you – I am 9 weeks today so you have been alive in me for 49 days now.  You are looking good – please stick around.

8 Week Ultrasound Pictures of the Sprouts; Trip to BRU

16 08 2009

Yep – I went in for an u/s on Friday.  Thursday night I thought I saw a small pink stain on my tp – I thought maybe my eyes were playing tricks on me or assumed it was nothing – so I forgot about it and went to bed, trying to push it out of my mind and reminding myself how vascular my cervix probably is.  Plus – I have Hyperemesis so I was somewhat confident the Sprouts were doing just fine.  Then, Friday at work, I noticed what could have been a brownish-pink stain on my panty liner.  Minor panic set in – I called my RE’s office – THEY WERE AMAZING.   They were like – just come in for another u/s if you want.  Yes I did want.  So I went in for the u/s – no problems seen – they assumed it was my cervix and told me not to worry.  Both Sprouts were measuring 8 weeks exactly and Sprout A had a heart rate of 167 and Sprout B had a heart rate of 172 so they are looking fabulous.  So, I am trying to push the little pink stains out of my mind.

I did start on the zofran – and I am not throwing up anymore but I am still very, very nauseated.  I still feel bad about taking it but it was either that or ending up in the hospital, dehydrated.  I definitely do not want to go there.  I think I am on a low dose – 4mg – and I am taking it twice a day right now.  I was starting to get afraid about my job – I was totally non-functioning much of the time and not producing my normal level of work due to how sick I was/am.  

I had to go to Babi.es R Us for a friend’s baby shower.  Fuck, was that overwhelming or what.  I peeked at a few of the double strollers and got totally overwhelmed.  I just ran for her gift and got the hell out.  Not before I saw some petite beauty pregnant with twins walking around with her tanned, dimple free legs.  I am already a beast (thanks 3.5 IVFs, 2 IUIs and 1 Clomid IUI for the extra 15 pounds) and I am going to be well over 200 pounds with the Sprouts.  I am determined to meet Dr. Luke’s guidelines – I am counting myself as overweight since I was technically by 10 pounds at the outset.  So the book says 20 pounds by 20 weeks.  I have not weighed myself but I plan on it this week – gasp – just thinking of the dreaded scale at the OBs office – my first OB appt is Wednesday.  

I am letting myself get a wee bit excited – I watched a few twin videos on youtube and it was pretty cool.  Enough of my babbling, I give you the Sprouts – does anyone know what that line is next to the baby standing up, both babies have it but I forgot to ask what it was – also, I love how the baby on the right is chilling on his/her side (BTW, somebody pinch me – is this really happening to me – this is my life?  I feel so lucky today):



11 08 2009

I have been pretty sad about the women who have experienced losses recently – there have been quite a few and it is so horrible and shitty and unfair.  My heart is just shattered for them.

I have been having some reassuring symptoms – intense nausea and some vomiting.  I had an especially hard time going to sleep last night, the nausea was so bad.  I got up and started dry heaving – nothing really came out but bile and a little bit of dinner.  But – I felt tons better after I threw up.  Has anyone else experienced this????

I think that part of the problem is that I am not drinking enough water – that became difficult about two weeks ago.  I have been able to drink some soda and smoothies – so I am trying to drink more healthy fruit smoothies – I even made one with tofu yesterday.  I used too much tofu and it was pretty nasty!

I almost threw up at work yesterday.  Not good.  I was going to try and make it to a semi-public bathroom on the ground floor of our building – but I barely made it to the bathroom down the hall.  I do not want to tell work until at least ten weeks.  I am telling them a bit early for a few reasons – first, I have told a few of my good friends who happen to be co-workers and I am afraid if I wait any longer, they will leak the info and I do not want certain share.holders to find out that way, second – if yesterday is any indication, I will be throwing up at work for a bit and third, if you can believe it, I think my stomach popped out a little bit.  

I have always had a “kangaro.o pouch” (heaven forbid a little kid google kan.garoo pouch and find this site) and the lack of exercise and extra IVF/IUI weight has given it substantial paunch.  But, I am noticing a distinct difference in it.  Which I found hard to believe until I started googling other twin pregnancies and found that a ton of women are in maternity clothes at ten weeks.  Which is where I am heading!  

My plan is to go to my OB appt on the 19th, have an ultrasound and then ask for at least a doppler at 10 weeks – if we cannot find a hb on that, then an ultrasound and if everything is okay, then I would tell work.  I have a tilted uterus so I am not sure how the doppler will work.

So, a friend bought me a book to read to the babies in utero – an adaptation of Dr. Seu.ss’s Oh the Plac.es You’ll Go.  I read it out loud last night and it really made me smile and feel connected to my Sprouts.  I really want them here.  I want them here – healthy and happy and here NOW.


4 08 2009

That’s me.  I am a total and complete mess today.  Warning – a lot of misery and craziness ahead in this post.  And I did it to myself.  I have been anxious about the heartbeats since the ultrasound.  I would have been happy to see over 100, but of course since they were 98 and 95 at 6 weeks, I am convinced that they are not going to make it.  Strike that – I am convinced today that they are already dead.  What is wrong with me?  I feel completely and totally powerless over these horrible feelings.

I woke up this morning – I usually feel okay when I first wake up – and drank a vitamin water.  I was also in a horrible, nasty mood for no good reason.  I googled heart rates -for the millionth time and most sites say that 90-100 is totally normal and good at 6 weeks – I did find another site that said that was borderline.  I also read about a woman who had a heart rate in the 120s at that time who continued to miscarry.  So, I started to freak out inside.  Convinced that my tatas do not hurt as much, convinced that they already died and even if they did not, their little hearts will never catch up to where they need to be.  I started to feel very nauseous after I drank my vitamin water and I ended up throwing it up when I brushed my teeth.  Sounds good right – but – I think that me being upset could compound the nausea and it really is not all morning sickness.  

So, I went to work.  And had a very, very hard time working.  And I felt completely and totally exhausted – I woke up about 1oo times last night.  And not as nauseous as I felt yesterday during the day – or so I am telling myself.  I had to leave work – I could not sanely continue there – I needed to come and post and get all of this out.  I then proceeded to cry on the way home.  

So, most of the time I ask you not to try and blow sunshine up my ass.  Now, I am asking for sunshine.  Lots of it please.  Tell me how some people do not pick up a rate at 6wks and that finding ours, together with our kick ass betas, will result in two beautiful happy babies.  

I really, really need to find ways to make it through this.  This is hard.  Really hard.  I want that naive bliss back from my first pregnancy and I am so resentful that has been taken away from me – I am mad at the universe and mad at myself for allowing myself to turn into this.

Sick, Sea Bands and the Mall (And Lurkers)

1 08 2009

Wow.  I said I would welcome every symptom, every pain, every inconvenience if that meant I would have a healthy baby.  I still feel that way but it is already kicking my ass and we have only just begun!!  I still say bring it on – I just want them to be healthy and to LIVE.   Having twins is sinking in – I am going to call and ask for another u/s, I am going to start researching as to who the best MFM in my area is and I am going to start having fun thinking about baby stuff.  Dreaming about the day they will be here .  Fantasizing about what they will look like.  All of the things I have been too terrified to feel, to want, to need.  I am going to throw myself into it.  Right now, I am pregnant with twins and I want to love every minute that I can.  I am going to start a journal/scrapbook for them.  I started one with my first pregnancy, Baby P, actually before, during the 2ww, but did not do that for my next two.  It hurt.  Too much.  I am going there though – I am going to have no regrets this time.  No matter what happens.

I woke up this morning and felt 0kay – kind of queasy but nothing serious.  I ate my breakfast – Fib.er One – and about 10 minutes later I was SO nauseated – I ended up vomiting but the weirdest thing was it was not my cereal – it was yellowish bile and really, really acidic.  Major TMI coming up – it went through my nose and I thought I was going to die from the nasal pain.  I then proceeded to shower and had a hard time not heaving in the shower.  

I have not bought new clothes in a LONG time.  I always said I would when I either lost the 15 IVF pounds pushing me into overweight territory or when I got pregnant and stayed pregnant for longer than 5 weeks.  I also vowed that I would be comfortable when I was pregnant.  I went out and bought some new comfy clothes from the G.ap – obviously not maternity clothes – but some really comfy stretch pants and matching hoodie from the body line, t-shirts, undies and a new pair of pants.  

Most importantly, I bought two new bras.  My tatas – already a D – were busting out of my bras and they HURT so bad, also around my ribs by the end of the day.  I bought two Ba.li “double support” bras.  I told Mr. M that they would really get his motor running…they probably look like what most grandmas are wearing…

Before I went shopping at the G.ap, I stopped at a drug store and bought sea ba.nds for morning sickness – the nausea was bad – and put them on.  I should post a pic…anyhow, Mr. M was laughing so hard, he was almost crying, he was like that is not going to do anything.  I told him that he knew nothing and not to laugh at me although I was almost crying from laughing too.  So, in the dressing room with the bras, I felt so, so sick.  I got really hot, so nauseated and almost panicky in my need to get the hell out of there.  And – the sea bands were really hot around my wrists and I felt suffocated by them!!!!!  I ripped them off and laughed out loud thinking of telling Mr. M.

I am at home now, sitting upright in bed, trying to keep my Oliv.e Gar.den lunch down and just really, really content.  Right now, I have two babies growing inside of me.  Right now, I am feeling sick, sicker than I ever have during a pregnancy, so that makes me feel better that my babies are continuing to grow.  Right now, I am still trying not to freak out over the heart rates – so many sites confirmed that they really look for between 90-110 right now.  Right now, I am listening to my husband interact with his son and just marveling at what an amazing dad he is and how lucky these little ones are to have such a tremendous father.

Oh, and Lurkers – thank you so much for coming out of the darkness and posting!!!  Make sure you leave your blog if you have one.