7dp3dt of Sweetness – Spotting and a False Positive

19 03 2009

I left work early – I had bright, red spotting at around 1:00ish.  I have gurglings in my stomach again with some sharp, stabbing cramping – like AF is going to show up any minute. This is how I felt last time and I ended up getting a bfp on 8dp3dt after I started spotting on 6dp3dt.  But, as we all know, the endings of that and my first story – with spotting beginning after my bfp but before my beta – are not good.  I am almost tempted not to pee on a stick, that way if it is another early loss, I really do not want to know about it but I certainly do not want to find out from my RE’s office, so yes, loyal peeing women, I will continue to pee.   I cannot believe I have continued to volunteer for this shit.  It is like ground.hog’s day the movie and I want it to stop.

I am trying not to hit the panic button – I know, it is only 10dpo technically and implantation can happen until day 12dpo (or so I am told), lots of women have implantation spotting or other spotting that is red and go on to have a heathy pregnancy (or so I have heard) but SHIT I was really hoping this time would be different.  I feel like my body wants to have a big, crazy period.

I also got a false very, very, very faint positive on a Clear Blue today – it is because I was double-fisting it with a FRER and there was not enough pee on it – the control line never came up.  I then looked at peeonastick.com and they said that Clear Blue gets a TON of false positives and not to use them –  I am only sharing this so that other avid peeing people like myself are forewarned.  The FRER was negative.  I cannot even invest in that right now.

I am getting crushed at work so I have to work while I am home – I am going to try and do it in bed.

The sweet things in my life today are (I am hanging on to them for dear life):

1) Mr. M – hurts so badly for me and wishes he could take it all away.  I told him he could if he would just go out and buy me a baby already…he declined.

2) My cat Nando is right here in bed with me while I type.

3) My new Ka.te Spa.de sunglasses from Cost.co – hid my ugly cry face on the way home.

4) My bed is very comfy and I bought really nice sheets for it – I love being in it.

5) My sister Betsy – I talked to her on the phone today and for once she did not lecture me once. Love you Betsy!!!!

6) All of you – I feel better already.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

2ww Officially Sucks…6dp3dt of Sweetness?

18 03 2009

I am so miserable right now.  I am tired and I am feeling some gurglings in my stomach like I do before AF arrives and that has me pissed off and convinced that this did not work.  At the same time, I am still having some “dizzy spells”, pinches and twitches and “short intermittent cramps” in my uterine area – also, since I have been psychotically documenting the veins in my breasts – its seems like I can see more and they are bright blue on the surface.  

So part of me wants to believe it worked but then I feel like the world’s largest sucker and I will feel so foolish when it ends up being a BFN.  I just really need this to work – I am so sick of my life being on hold, so tired of the hormones, so tired of the roller coaster, so tired of hoping and being crushed – f*ck, I am just tired of it all.  I went to lunch with three girls I went to la.w school with and I felt like a freak, like a total alien. I found myself talking about our attempts to get pregnant and they had no clue what I was talking about but were super supportive.  Why did I say anything?  Because it is the only thing in my life.  I have let this entire process take over everything, I am boring, bordering on agoraphobic and I have no life other than trying to get and stay pregnant.  I am so f*cking sick of it.

So here are the things that are sweet in my life today:

1) I did not chew out the nasty, backstabbing woman in my office who likes to talk about everyone and make trouble;

2) I went to a client event and did not scare any current or future clients with stories of the RE not being able to get the catheter past my cervix into my uterus or about the fact that my tits feel like anvils;

3) I showered.

5dp3dt of Sweetness

17 03 2009

I had a really, really good day today.  I was in a very good mood and enjoyed my work immensely.  It did not start out that way though – I was really cranky upon waking and Mr. M and my stepson were talking very loudly and my stepson was mixing his weight gainer in the blender…I wanted to tell them to shut the hell up but I did not – they were having a fun morning and I did not want to be bitch!  So I went into my bedroom and read and commented on some blogs.  I got to work and felt great.  

BTW, the shampoo is Ru.sk Sensor.ies, Hea.lthy S.hampoo, Black.berry and Berg.amot strengt.hening sh.ampoo.

As for symptoms, had and am having some more twitching (sometimes sharp) and cramping in my uterus area – mostly on the left but some on my right, I have moments of sheer exhaustion, I felt a little dizzy here and there and finally, my breasts feel like they grew around 5 inches at 4:00pm – so freaking huge and sore, and sorry tmi, my ninnies are constantly hard.  I do not want to hope too much for fear of being crushed but I am hoping that some of these are NOT from the PIO and that they are from one or more of my little ones burrowing in.   I am going to POAS tomorrow morning I think – I am obsessing about it and I will feel better if I just do it!  I know that it will probably be a BFN since it is so early but I have to feed the beast!

Now, for the sweet things in my life today:

1) Enjoying my work and clients;

2) Bravo.s Italian Kitchen chopped salad with chicken (I was craving a salad);

3) Newm.an’s Organic Decaf Coffee; and

4) Choco.late Crois.sant from Au B.on P.ain ( 🙂 3:00 chocolate craving).

4dp3dt of Sweetness (and vent about pregnant friend at work)

16 03 2009

AAAHHHHH, I am so glad to be home from work.  Today lasted for a very long time – I think everyday will last forever until I know whether I am pregnant or not.   I felt twitchy in my uterine area again today with some mild cramping – like I said before, could just be the PIO.  I know that it is the PIO that is making (1) my breasts feel like red hot molten lava, (2) my stomach huge and bloated and (3) me feel exhausted.  I also felt dizzy a few times today, like I was going to faint.  Not sure though, since I have never fainted!

So, before I get to the sweet things, I need to vent.  My dearest friend at work (the one who found out she was pregnant a few weeks ago) and I were in the elevator today. She was scraping something white off of her coat – it looked like bird poop and I was like, “eewww, is that bird poop” and she was like, “no, eww, come on you are talking to a PREGNANT WOMAN, I am going to puke.”  There was a stranger in the elevator and it made me feel uncomfortable and I thought it was pretty obnoxious.  But was it, or is that me being a bitter, infertile, uterus of death, wretched hag?  She then went on and on about her stomach being bloated, maternity clothes, etc.  I just could not take it today and I feel really bad.  She has been very sweet to me – she was going to wait to tell a bunch of people at work until I found out about this cycle and I have reassured her over and over that I am okay with it.  I truly am – that is the hardest part – I am very happy for her but it just stung me so badly today and then I felt guilty for feeling that way because she is sweet and I do love her and I AM happy for her.   Finally, I am so fat that I had to leave my pants unbuttoned under my shirt at work and I felt like my love handles were going to rip out the back of my shirt…sigh…

So now for the sweet things about today:

1)  Sleeping in until 7:45am.

2) Pasta with butter, garlic, parsley and parmesan cheese.

3) Blackberry shampoo.

3dp3dt of Sweetness; Trigger Out and a question for IVFr’s

15 03 2009

I am having some slight cramping/twinges in my uterus/ovary areas today – I had this on both of my other cycles that I got a bfp, and while I am tempted to classify these physical symptoms as the beginning of implantation, it is probably the PIO.  I am also very tired today and I am a bit down as well.  I used a FRER and the trigger is out of my system.  I spent the morning reading blogs that are new to me – and I ran across many that included the end of the dream of having a biological child.  

That is a process that I feel has begun for me on some level.   I am more hopeful today that this cycle may work – especially when pretending that the twinges/cramps are one or more of my little sweeties beginning to burrow in – but in the event that it does not, I think I only have one more IVF left in me and I would want to do that at the best clinic possible.  I have heard many, many success stories about CCRM and a few not so successful stories, coupled with not so great customer service.  So my question to IVFrs is, if you could cycle anywhere in the US, where would you cycle? 

BTW, I have posted my entire IVF history.  I think that is what depressed me – I have had like 16-20 follicles each time but only 3, 9 and 6 eggs retrieved???  WTF? 

Things that are sweet in my life today:

1) Caddy.shack – Bill Murr.ay is so damn funny in this movie.  He just blew up the golf course.  BTW, I only like the original, I really hate sequels to movies.

2) Leftover seafood pasta in a cream sauce with fried leeks from Mr. M’s birthday dinner last night.

3) The dogs finding a swatch of sunlight on the rug and hogging it.

4) Listening to Mr. M teach his son how to do various things around the house.

2dp3dt of Sweetness (mixed with tears, guilt and hope)

14 03 2009

Mr. M took my breath away today and made me cry like a girl.  Today’s sweetness is all about him (and hazelnut chocolate).  As most of you know, the 2ww is fraught with mixed emotions, the amazing side effects from the PIO, fear and hope.  Well this morning I was thinking about what if this does not work (it has to work) but what if it does not…so I was going back through my CCRM stuff and thinking about Plan B.  I mentioned that to Mr. M and his face looked like I kicked him in the babymaker…I may have mentioned this before, but Mr. M originally did not want to try to have any more kids.  It is a long story but obviously he is on board now…mostly.  I thought the look on his face was like – “let’s just be done with this already”.  We agreed not to talk about it right then and there.  About an hour later I was sitting on the couch and he came over, slightly teared up, and said “I love you.  I will do whatever it takes”.  I immediately started sobbing with relief, guilt and fear.  I just clung to him, crying, and he told me he knows how committed I am to having our child and that he is in it for the long haul.  Amazing.  He. is. simply. amazing.  That being said, at that moment, I wished that it would all just go away – the desire to have a baby – I wanted (and still want on some level that likes to protect my sanity) to banish that desire forever.  It also made me feel better about this cycle – I will not give up hope yet – there is no reason to.  I had an 8 cell, a 5 cell and a 4 cell and babies have come from all sizes of embryos, including those.  I started to think about all the things my clinic may have done wrong and that is definitely not where I need to focus my energy right now.

So, now for a list of sweet things today:

1) My 12 year old dog Shelly ran around the yard like she was a puppy.

2) Chocolate with hazelnuts in it – enough said.

3) Movies – we are going to see Watch.men.

4) My sisters.  

1dp3dt of Sweetness

13 03 2009

Thanks to some of my blogging girlfriends, I have been thinking about posting about what is good in my life.  Thanks ladies.  My embryo transfer yesterday really inspired me to do so as well – I referred to my three little embryos as my sweeties as right now they are the sweetest things in my life.  But it made me also want to talk about the other sweet things in my life.  So here goes.  (BTW, Mr. M is a given – he is the best thing that has ever happened to me – he is my human valium and if it were not for him, I probably would have gone nuclear yesterday).

1) My dogs and my cat.  I do not post about them much but they are a huge part of my life.  My cat Nando, the grey tabby, has been with me for 13 years, Shelly, my brown mixed breed, 12 years and Rico, a terrier mix, for 2 years.  I just love having them around me.  Every morning I sit on the couch and catch up on the news, blogs, etc. and Shelly sits on my left, Rico on my right and Nando perches above my shoulder.  During my bedrest, Nando was in bed with me and Shelly stayed in her bed next to mine the entire time.  My dog Rico is about 40 pounds but when we have him and Shelly, who is 75 pounds, on leashes, he drags Shelly around by her leash.  It is hilarious and I am going to get a video up soon.

2) My stepson.  He is 19 and for the last month or so, he has been incredibly nice, helpful and just plan amazing.  He runs errands for me, gets me coffee (now decaf), gets groceries, takes care of our pets and yes, he even helps clean the house.  Amazing.

3) Stainless steel appliances.  Pretty materialistic of me, I know.  I had really crappy appliances all of my life so I love these things and I spent a good 15 minutes polishing them today…

4) Some days – my clinic.  I have such a low tolerance for bad customer service (waitress for 10 years, now an attor.ney) that I really demand a lot from them.  They really have gone above and beyond answering every single question and phone call.  I called today to see what MY RE had to say about the transfer, i.e. embryos being reloaded, taken in and out of incubator, etc., and I learned she was “in the mountains and totally unavailable.”  So my nurse went to the embryologist and got her two cents.  They said that they have a time period and that if the embryos are out of the incubator in not in you for a period of time, they will not transfer them and I did not reach that period, not to worry and they have documented pregnancies when that happens.  So while I still have some anxiety, I am trying to let it go and have faith in the process.

5) Rosemary crackers and cheddar cheese and hot milk with vanilla and sugar.

Okay, it is almost time for the opening ceremony of the POAS-a-thon.  I always test to make sure the ovidrel trigger is out of my system – they say at least 10 days but it usually leaves my system in 7ish.  So I will POAS on Sunday to document a fresh white stick that will hopefully have two lines in the near future.