23 03 2009

Today sucked, it really, really sucked.  I got the call from the clinic – officially a bfn.  I am all over the place.  The worst part of the day is when I told my dad – I am his clone – and he started crying on the phone.   There really are no words for that.  

I am trying to stay away from raging against my clinic for the shitty response – I think my eggs may have been over-cooked – I got my records today and the notes said most of the oocytes had dark zonas and the three that did not fertilize were “atretic” whatever the hell that means (update – Dr. Google says that means postmature – I am in a rage).  The icing on the cake was the transfer – I really feel like they should have had me empty my bladder more – I had to do it twice since they were running late.  I cannot do anything about it – nothing, nada, zip – it is over and there is not shit I could do about it even if it was their fault – shit happens and it is happening to me, it is my turn for whatever reason.  My RE is calling me tomorrow “between 9:30 and 12:00” (my clients would kill me if I scheduled calls like that) to “discuss where to go from here”.  It should be interesting.   If I do IVF again, I would rather go out at the best clinic I can – anyone have success from Cornell?  I have heard quite about about CCRM and I had a phone consult with them but I really do not know anything about Cornell.

Well, where do we go from here?  I have no idea.  Mr. M has come along for this crazy ride and I have completely left it up to him.  Whatever path he wants to take for us to become parents at this point, I will try.  I will try DS, DE, IVF again, adoption, anything.  Each path has its own ups and downs and grieving processes (and potential financial ruin).  I do feel like it is insane – doing the same thing over and over and over and expecting different results – I feel insane because I want to try again.  There, I said it.

I keep saying things to myself like – this is just temporary, you will be a mother someday…etc.  I know I have good things in my life – why does it feel so hollow right now, so fake, like I am playing a part in a play and we have not gotten to real life yet.

Do you remember the other attor.ney I told you about – I went to law school with him? Their retrieval was the same day as mine – they only got two eggs, one fertilized, three day transfer on the same day as mine with a 7 cell B and he told me her beta (she is 38) was 160 today.  They have had two prior miscarriages so when he told me I was so happy for them – but of course, for me, I was like WTF, really?  I hope they end up with a beautiful baby – which will be due on my birthday. That is right – my due date this time would have been my birthday.   IF and IVF are dogs from hell (for those of you who know Buk.owski – obviously I need to stay away from him right now).

Thank you all for your support.  Please also give Mo and Darya some love – they got their official bfns today too.